kgallagh82

To all - (This will be long - Sorry!)

I've been reading your posts for quite some time now and have found much encouragement, advice, and back and forth emotions right along with you. I've decided to finally post something now merely because I'm at a loss and not necessarily finding a thread that is helping at the moment.

We were married at 21 - too young to fully comprehend the gravity of that big of a decision might/will have on your future. By the time we finally moved in together (we were military), we had been married for two months and were now pregnant. Being 21 and in the military, we did our fair share of going out and drinking together. It wasn't until we moved in together and I had obviously stopped drinking that I realized exactly how much he drank and quickly noticed what a problem it was. We had so many ups and downs, so many fights and battles, so many thoughts/plans of leaving.

Fast forward eleven years - I didn't leave and we now have three children. Ages 6, 8 & 10. They are great kids and only recently have even noticed that there was any drinking going on. (Apparently - I sheltered them a bit). Having spent the last two years in this back and forth place of us talking about divorce/separation/something...he quit drinking about six months ago. I had stopped sheltering the kids from it and stopped making excuses for him. It bothered him. I begged him to for the millionth time to get himself under control. And he did. It lasted two months and then back drinking again for month and then now sober for four months. He's on antidepressants which he says really helps and makes it so he doesn't even want to drink. Regardless of the reason - I'm proud of him. I know how hard that is/was/has been for him. And he genuinely wants to stay sober and realizes how detrimental it has been to him.

Now the problem (assuming the sticks to sobriety) -
There was an expectation from both of us that "things" would get better. I quickly learned that my built in excuse of the drinking being obsolete was no longer there and am having a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't just the drinking. That, if I'm honest with myself, I don't even know this sober guy that I've built this life with. I know the general characteristics - Tall, funny, smart, caring, emotional, etc. But every experience of the last eleven years was with that guy who was an alcoholic. Take away the drinking and he's that guy but I don't even know him.

He had his own expectations as well. There's an assumption that "Well, I stopped drinking - Isn't that good enough?" He doesn't say that but it's there. Nothing else has changed. He expected some intimate relationship and sexlife now that drinking wasn't a wall between us. The problem with that? I've spent eleven years building up walls and barriers, of having to do just about everything on my own (house/kids/etc) and I've realized quickly that I have many of my own coping mechanisms in place that were put in place as my way of just getting through the day in the last eleven years.

He has been underworking for our entire marriage - making me into some crazy work-aholic to ensure that we can put food on the table because I can't depend on him at any time. I feel like I'm running around five hundred miles a minute to get everything done but if I'm really honest - Nothing is getting done well. I'm now just going through the motions of getting stuff done but it's a half-a**ed version of everything just to get through the day. (One of the coping mechanisms I have realized that I have glommed onto.)

On his end, he's not drinking. I finally put him up for a good job at my company now that he's sober and at least there's steady income coming in and he seems to be fitting in well. But - there's still that disengagement from the reality of our life that boggles my mind. We are in our thirties now - and he's just starting out in his career - without almost any sign of the recognition that this should have happened ten years ago or of the fact that there is more that just holding down a steady income. There's a disengagement from our personal life that I had previously "blamed" on the drinking that is either just residual from the past ten years of bad habits built up or is just genuinely how he is. I honestly don't know because while I didn't know it - his drinking problem started long before me.

There's no money for counseling. We have literally been struggling penny by penny for our entire life together and now that he's finally making steady income - We can keep up now - but that's it. I'm at a loss on how to wrap my head around all of this - questioning now, almost more than before, if this is really what either of us want. Is it really possible to fix this to be anything close to what is should be? I say fix but I really mean build a relationship since our entire foundation and marriage has been with alcohol in the picture. Now however - it's building it but with eleven years of this toxic relationship in its wake.

Reality has been turned upside down - and as always - with the looming fear that the drinking will start up again. I'm at a loss and finding myself completely off balance trying to come to grips with it. I used to tell myself that this (life while he was drinking) was not normal. Not how it was supposed to be. But now that he's not drinking - life is not "normal" or "how it is supposed to be" either. I know those are relative terms and if I'm honest with myself - I don't know what that means. I just know that this can't be it. #HELP!

lillamy

Welcome! I'm glad you're here and decided to post; that's how you will get the best feedback on your particular situation!

One thing that strikes me when I read your post is your use of passive words to describe things: "There's steady income" (not HE is finally providing a steady income), "There's no money for counseling," "There's a disengagement from our personal life."

I think you have every right to place those "passive happenings" firmly at the feet of your husband. Because of his choice to drink rather than work, you don't have money for counseling. Because he has chosen to drink instead of engage with the family, he's now not engaged either. Etc.

Things like that don't just "happen" -- there is responsibility and choices. And I think part of healing for me was to stop blaming my ex's past (he had a crappy childhood, his parents were emotionally distant, he was bullied in school, his first girlfriend killed herself), I had to start looking at the choices he was making in the present.

In your case, not the many years he was a drunk jerk -- but the fact that in the present, he's a not-drinking-alcoholic jerk.

Because recovery isn't just about Not Drinking. An alcoholic who just refrains from drinking usually maintains the same behaviors and attitudes as when he was drinking -- that's what we call a "dry drunk."

And his "I stopped drinking. That should be enough for you." is typical of an alcoholic who is NOT in recovery. An alcoholic in recovery will realize that all those years of drinking come with consequences. An alcoholic in recovery will understand that he has harmed people during his years of drinking. An alcoholic in recovery will realize that he will have to work at rebuilding relationships.

Given that you're former military, don't you still have access to counseling through the military? I can't see what country you're from; I know we have US military folks here who might be able to point you to low-or-no-cost counseling.

And my advice is always, always, always Al-Anon for people like you and me. Doesn't cost you a penny and surrounds you with people who get it. (((hugs)))

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome from me, too! I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. I gather he's not doing AA? Any other support program?

It's hard to say whether your marriage will make it--many don't, even when the alcoholic maintains sobriety. The reason why AA is great is that it DOES encourage addressing those behaviors other than drinking that go along with alcoholism. OTOH, YOU have control over your OWN recovery. My suggestion would be that you start going to Al-Anon (and maybe look into Alateen for your kiddos), and give it some time. You don't have to decide your entire future this minute. Al-Anon can help you get your head on straight, and you will be in a much better position to make good choices for yourself and your kids.

kgallagh82

I appreciate both of your responses.

Lillamy - Thanks. Those are all of the things that go through my head and then I curb myself back a bit when I remember that I asked him to stop drinking. I know I can't change him - I didn't ask for that. I asked for the drinking to stop and it did. I was very upfront with him when I asked - and told him that I had no idea if stopping would be enough but that we didn't even stand a chance if the drinking continued. There was an expectation on my part however that along with that would come other changes. I know it's only been six months but there really hasn't been much of anything else changed or much of an effort made really outside of that.

LexieCat - I've ready several of your other posts in the past and they really resonate with me. I appreciate your advice. No, he isn't doing AA. He did three meetings right at the beginning and then stopped. I assumed the drinking would start up again shortly thereafter but nothing. I've gone to a few AlAnon meetings now. It's funny because I sit there and listen to them thinking - Why do you put up with that? Then it smacks me in the face that I do too. It's eye opening. At this point - while I'm not naive enough to think that there won't be residual effects on them, only my oldest has even noticed that alcohol brings about a change in behavior. If anything, my biggest concern was that the non-engaged and non-responsible aspects are going to be picked up more than anything else. (Thinking that is the norm) Tying that to drinking isn't a connection that has been made yet - Not sure whether that's good or bad. I just did what I thought was best as I went.

LexieCat

Well, I can tell you that even working a good AA program, four months is pretty early on. I'm six years sober, and I didn't get most of my marbles back for about a year. And I lived alone--it's a lot more complicated when you have a relationship (and a family) in the picture. I was in two marriages to alcoholics--the first one got sober around a year before we got married, and I can tell you that the first couple of years had their challenges. We're divorced now, but he's been sober 35 years and is a pretty "together" person--good dad, good husband to me and to his second wife. I think he's addressed his "isms" pretty well, and those aspects of his personality that didn't "work" for me had more to do with me than with him.

My point is that you probably can't judge how he will be, or how your relationship will be, over the long run at four months sober. Stick with Al-Anon. If you're like most partners of alcoholics you've probably developed some coping mechanisms that aren't serving you well.

BlueChair

My husbands and I have been doing family counseling and its been a huge help because we focus on communicating with one another and building the relationship. I know you said counseling wasnt an option right now, but another resource Ive been using is something designed for families of substance abusers. Its called community reinforcement and family training, abbreviated Craft. I mention it because it focuses a lot on communication, learning to listen to your spouse, how to best be heard and eliminate defensiveness, how to collaborate and find solutions together. From reading what you wrote, it sounds like he hasnt changed a lot of his behaviors but you havent either as you mentioned all the walls still up, and the struggle to begin to give up some of the things you always had to do on your own, feeling anxious he will relapse. All those are normal! But to bring about change you have to begin to stop detaching, slowly start breaking walls down, find new ways to communicate with him, and then you will see if he responds and steps up. Im sure its all foggy for him too, he quit drinking and doesnt have a good road map of how to function in the family now.

I would recommend this book: Beyond Addiction, how science and kindness help people change. We have an ongoing book review here if you want an overview. And you can lookup craft online too if your not familiar with it. Its all based on behavioral and motivational therapies. I enjoy it, and if u cant do counseling its what Id recommend.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...families.html?

maia1234

KG- I think this is normal for what you are going through. You are angry and he is wonderful because he stopped drinking. Like said above, getting sober and working a program are two different things. Reach out to a local alanon group and educate yourself to what has happened to you and your family over the years.

Maybe you can forgive him, maybe you can't. But unless you try you will never know and still be the crazy angry person.

Hugs my friend!!

cookiesncream

Much of your post resonates with me on various levels though I am the RAW (recovering alcoholic wife). I am much older and addiction hit in mid life so the situations are different on a number of levels. That said having hit my one year in recovery mark a month ago I have spent countless hours reading just about every memoir I could about those with addictions that beat the odds and though many had a relapse or so in the mix the memoirs I read were all written by those who managed to write them at least five years sober. I’ve also spent many hours trying to understand not only “my side” but the friends and family side. Two major themes I’ve seen:
-Alcoholics who get sober for other people either don’t stay sober or they are miserable dry drunks
-Most friends and family during the throws of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety, they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.

I do “get” where your husband is coming from. Sobriety or the front door is a powerful motivator. It however is not terribly helpful in the long run for getting #2 which is the addict becoming self motivated. I internally screamed to myself a thousand times over the past year “I’m sober now what MORE do you want?” For me stuffing away emotions was probably the #1 cause of my addiction and getting sober didn’t change in one tiny way what had triggered it in the first place.

That said you can lay out boundaries, active addiction is not acceptable. Unfortunately the rest of it is out of your hands. You can’t MAKE somebody want to be sober for themselves. You can’t make somebody desire true emotional maturity. At the year mark my recovery group “called me” on my motivations and I had to recommit to sobriety but this time for ME. I did it and when I did that the floodgates finally opened to true recovery and the emotional space to mature on other levels. Today in fact was the first day I was around people drinking wine and I abstained because I wanted to (yeah me!).

What all of this leads back to is what the rest of the kind folks have said. Work on yourself, that’s all you can do. Get your ducks in line for your plans and choices should he relapse. I would be forthright however with your husband if you haven’t already and let him know you’re worried. Heck I went through an outpatient rehab and I saw tons of people lapsing IN rehab, no wonder people are guarded, for very good reasons! Won’t change a thing but at least you’ll have your piece on the table. Personally I wouldn't even BEGIN to start trusting an addict until they have a full year on the table dry. Honestly I also think that a lot of the recovery friends and family want doesn't really happen until the addict has learned the mechanics of living day to day life without alcohol, through holidays, through parties, through stress, etc.

The bigger picture issues in your marriage are pretty overwhelming. Take one day at a time, focus on yourself and the rest will be revealed in time. Though I have opted for a non twelve step program for my own recovery my hubbie is very active in Al-Anon and has grown immensely as a result.

peace

4wildcatkids

I can relate to your story as I have been married to an alcoholic for 19 years, he was sober for the last 3.5 years, slipped recently and we are now starting over again. I say that because, it is a beginning again for us both. We to have kids that his actions impact. I have always shielded them from what is happening, doing everything as you do in the family leaving not much responsibility for him. Being of part of SR I have come to realize that is what has hurt our recovery as a couple.

So now we take small steps, giving him more responsibility with the kids and our relationship. We also have to say something nice, and something grateful for in our family, try to send a nice or cute text, and give a good hug daily. Some may laugh, but we lost all desire to make each other happy (me because of all the pain and exhaustion in the past). I had to learn to live for today, not for yesterday, let go to allow us to begin to communicate without hate, anger, etc. I found it has helped him open up to me more and for me to be relaxed. You are right though, the relationship our life has been based on is not what we have now. We are basically starting over like dating. So we found something we both like, biking, yard work (don't laugh), cooking and we do that together.

As part of his recovery, he had to talk to the kids (8,10,12,13) about his disease, his bad choices in life that just occurred 3 weeks ago, his medallions from AA he received over the last 3.5 years, his choices in the future and what he wants for his kids, etc. I didn't sit in on the discussions, but you know kids, he said a few words, they followed with tons of questions and he really opened up. You would be surprised how much they impacted him and his determination to remain sober and his turn in communication with me.

As for our relationship, I can't say it is great but good. Moving forward. I have told him he will have to accept I will have bad days and need to get things off my chest and he will have to listen, not get mad. I will ask questions about his sobriety or question it and he will discuss it without getting upset or mad. That in time with trust and respect those questions will fade. We take one day at a time.

Good Luck, work on you too, I kept hearing it, but I really realized I needed to. SR has been a great resource and can be for him as well if he doesn't want to go to meetings. Hang in their!