Stevemcqueen

I've found that out of all the people who I used to have all these meaningful trips with and seemed to build these strong bonds with want nothing to do with me now that I'm off drugs, as though drugs were all we had in common (which isn't true but they're too obtuse to realize it). I don't hold it against them, because I think of them as chemical friendships and hold the people in equal importance with the trips themselves and leave them behind just the same.

Gosh that conference must've been rough on both you and your then-boyfriend. I know that feeling of trying to recollect oneself after being so wildly shaken up, and couldn't imagine having to conduct myself in a professional way right after a trip. Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky to have any negative trips until one got really out of hand. I guess you could call all of them bad trips because I was depressed the whole time and forced myself into intensely scary places by doing things like turning all the lights off, putting on horror noise music (Throbbing Gristle was my favorite) and watch my room turn into hell, but the way I felt wasn't any different from how I felt sober so I don't count them as any sort of wake up call. The real one came on a night of hard drinking and tripping after a string of bad decisions that I can't get into on the basis of a promise. What I can say is that after all the bad decisions and nonsense my best friend at the time was very angry with me and completely tore me apart, and he's a smart guy who knows me well so he did a good job of it. He played around with my head, taking every self doubt and fear I hold, both the rational and irrational ones, and tried to make me believe they all were true and that I'm basically a useless waste of a life. That was 2 months ago and I'm still trying to separate actual constructive criticism on me as a person (because there was a lot of it, it was after all what made me aware of my drug-induced impairment) from mental trickery that only served to put me down at the time. He's no help seeing as we agreed never to speak of it again after initially making amends, and I hate to say it but he's probably just going to keep on his path of self destruction.

On the bright side, I overheard that an isolation tank facility will be opening in my town soon, hopefully for cheaper than the New York prices! The more I read up on it the more beneficial and therapeutic it seems to be for someone in my position.