Former acid head trying to fix myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 11
Former acid head trying to fix myself
Hello everyone, first time posting here so I'll just jump right in.
For the last 5 years (ages 14-19) I've cultivated a drug habit that started how most start, with a teenage curiosity toward pot and alcohol that slowly but steadily compounded into abuse of any and every substance I could get my hands on: cocaine, MDMA, morphine, acid, etc. The bulk of my use was psychedelics, favoring dissociatives like ketamine, nitrous, and DMT when I could get them, because I'd come to hate myself so much that I felt I could only experience happiness "outside" of my body. Opiates and pot would only **** me off and depress me further, but I took those since in my mind anything was better than having to be sober and face my problems like a man. But all of that is behind me now.
I had a very rude wake up call in January that has made me aware of what the years of abuse have done to me: it's made me a weird, uncomfortable presence in any situation and has made my thought process slow to the point that people must think I'm mildly ********, which I may as well be all things considered. Recently I took a job as a bartender and server in attempt to quickly remedy this, figuring I could quickly fix myself and begin to function normally, but as I'm training I'm still slow as ever, ******* up way more than I should and a couple mistakes away from being fired I suspect. Sometimes as I'm talking my bosses will look at me and just marvel at my inability to communicate, which makes me feel even worse about it all.
When it comes to drugs, I am 100% done. I don't need rehab or addiction counseling or anything like that. My quality of life has improved immensely and I find that I'd much rather listen to Coltrane than smoke pot, rather have a vivid dream than an acid or DMT trip, and rather save my money to get a good life going than blow it all on cheap easy thrills. What I do need is a bit of support as I adjust to living something that resembles a normal life. If anybody could offer advice on fixing my damaged mind that would be especially helpful. If you've read this far thank you very much for taking the time to read my story, and I hope to get a response from you soon!
For the last 5 years (ages 14-19) I've cultivated a drug habit that started how most start, with a teenage curiosity toward pot and alcohol that slowly but steadily compounded into abuse of any and every substance I could get my hands on: cocaine, MDMA, morphine, acid, etc. The bulk of my use was psychedelics, favoring dissociatives like ketamine, nitrous, and DMT when I could get them, because I'd come to hate myself so much that I felt I could only experience happiness "outside" of my body. Opiates and pot would only **** me off and depress me further, but I took those since in my mind anything was better than having to be sober and face my problems like a man. But all of that is behind me now.
I had a very rude wake up call in January that has made me aware of what the years of abuse have done to me: it's made me a weird, uncomfortable presence in any situation and has made my thought process slow to the point that people must think I'm mildly ********, which I may as well be all things considered. Recently I took a job as a bartender and server in attempt to quickly remedy this, figuring I could quickly fix myself and begin to function normally, but as I'm training I'm still slow as ever, ******* up way more than I should and a couple mistakes away from being fired I suspect. Sometimes as I'm talking my bosses will look at me and just marvel at my inability to communicate, which makes me feel even worse about it all.
When it comes to drugs, I am 100% done. I don't need rehab or addiction counseling or anything like that. My quality of life has improved immensely and I find that I'd much rather listen to Coltrane than smoke pot, rather have a vivid dream than an acid or DMT trip, and rather save my money to get a good life going than blow it all on cheap easy thrills. What I do need is a bit of support as I adjust to living something that resembles a normal life. If anybody could offer advice on fixing my damaged mind that would be especially helpful. If you've read this far thank you very much for taking the time to read my story, and I hope to get a response from you soon!
You'll find lots of support here for getting clean and sober. Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
Welcome to SR, stevemcqueen. I don't have any experiences with substances but I am sure that someone will be along soon who does.
There is also a substance Abuse forum here at SR.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
Glad you found SR.
There is also a substance Abuse forum here at SR.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
Glad you found SR.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Hello Steve, Welcome to SR. You will find help here but you have to want it to be successful of being clean. Today is my 1 month sobriety for being sober, and a lot of effort and love will get you a long way.
I use to smoke pot, did acid and Shrooms, crank, Meth, I been sober for 24 years of doing that stuff.
You can do this, just think about how much you will feel better.
I use to smoke pot, did acid and Shrooms, crank, Meth, I been sober for 24 years of doing that stuff.
You can do this, just think about how much you will feel better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 18
Welcome to SR! While many here might advocate exactly the opposite but as someone who is "familiar" with your situation may I firstly state that you need to slow down your transition process. You may at first find that this sober beginning is fresh and beneficial, but I would try to work on one thing at a time; you have an extensive history of use. Firstly, hallucinogenic substances should be out of the picture; in your current condition, the impacts of previous "trips" are probably very much still with you and you need to take time to reflect on what exactly they mean to you. You should not discredit what you have "experienced!" If you do try to bury it and simply move on I promise you that it will haunt you later. You need to learn from it; seek counseling even if that's what it takes, but do not be so hasty to leave everything you have felt in the past. Your experiences with dissociatives I cannot speak much on only that they can be some of the most powerful mind altering drugs you can get your hands on. To say the least, you have done some mental damage, and the same thing with the above goes here, try to make some sense of it but unlike hallucinogens you probably will be left scratching your head about what you even felt.
You seem relatively coherent however, and your taking the correct first step; seek advice. Be mindful however, that few others will have any idea of what it is you have done to your brain. Mentally you will be forever different from everyone else, but that is something to be treasured not a reason for depression. To overcome this you must have knowledge and understanding. This is something that was preached back in the 60's but is unfortunately no longer the case. We seem today to just want an escape without first properly educating ourselves; a tragic mistake.
Take your time, reflect and take things one step at a time; it takes as long as it has to take.
You seem relatively coherent however, and your taking the correct first step; seek advice. Be mindful however, that few others will have any idea of what it is you have done to your brain. Mentally you will be forever different from everyone else, but that is something to be treasured not a reason for depression. To overcome this you must have knowledge and understanding. This is something that was preached back in the 60's but is unfortunately no longer the case. We seem today to just want an escape without first properly educating ourselves; a tragic mistake.
Take your time, reflect and take things one step at a time; it takes as long as it has to take.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 11
Shane, thank you for the informed response! Yes I'm happy to say I lost any desire to take hallucinogens when I noticed what they were doing to me and many of my friends, who unfortunately are still headed down the same path I was on. It all used to be very glamorous to me but now I don't see any appeal in anything that compromises my ability to function healthily.
I definitely haven't discredited all the trips I've had, many of which I remember vividly, but I also try not to place too much importance on the trips themselves as they mostly had me in a state of pseudo-spiritual delusion. I do, however, use aspects like the imagery in my hallucinations and bodily sensations I felt to try to see how they relate to my psyche and even try to use them in art I create, but like you said, it's hard to make sense of it all when much of it hit me so hard and fast that I'll need a lot of time to recover.
I also have accepted that I'll always be different, I was an oddball from the very beginning and would be with or without drugs, but having drugs in my life has made strange vibe I give off much more drastic. This is another thing I'm working to apply to my life in a healthy and functional way, but it surely wasn't right to try to do it all at once. That would explain the awkwardness and difficulty I've had adjusting I think, that I've been putting this huge effort into living and behaving the way a person does by default when I really should just stick with sobriety and give my brain time to regenerate.
Thank you again for the advice; it's actually the only advice anybody has given me since I've gotten clean because I keep that pretty much all to myself. I'm looking into counseling, but you're right that it's an odd set of circumstances and most people are unfamiliar with the sort of damage I've done to myself. I'll find the best course of action in time.
I definitely haven't discredited all the trips I've had, many of which I remember vividly, but I also try not to place too much importance on the trips themselves as they mostly had me in a state of pseudo-spiritual delusion. I do, however, use aspects like the imagery in my hallucinations and bodily sensations I felt to try to see how they relate to my psyche and even try to use them in art I create, but like you said, it's hard to make sense of it all when much of it hit me so hard and fast that I'll need a lot of time to recover.
I also have accepted that I'll always be different, I was an oddball from the very beginning and would be with or without drugs, but having drugs in my life has made strange vibe I give off much more drastic. This is another thing I'm working to apply to my life in a healthy and functional way, but it surely wasn't right to try to do it all at once. That would explain the awkwardness and difficulty I've had adjusting I think, that I've been putting this huge effort into living and behaving the way a person does by default when I really should just stick with sobriety and give my brain time to regenerate.
Thank you again for the advice; it's actually the only advice anybody has given me since I've gotten clean because I keep that pretty much all to myself. I'm looking into counseling, but you're right that it's an odd set of circumstances and most people are unfamiliar with the sort of damage I've done to myself. I'll find the best course of action in time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Jen73 
Hello Steve, Welcome to SR. You will find help here but you have to want it to be successful of being clean. Today is my 1 month sobriety for being sober, and a lot of effort and love will get you a long way.
I use to smoke pot, did acid and Shrooms, crank, Meth, I been sober for 24 years of doing that stuff.
You can do this, just think about how much you will feel better.
I use to smoke pot, did acid and Shrooms, crank, Meth, I been sober for 24 years of doing that stuff.
You can do this, just think about how much you will feel better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Very good decision to stop with the drugs. I can relate to your story, I did quite a lot of acid and shrooms (and pot several times a day every day) in my late teens. I got pretty good at being weird and sort of letting my trips seep into everyday life. The things that came out of my mouth around that time must have made sober people cringe!
I'm not remotely close to being qualified to give advice on "fixing a broken mind", but giving it some time seems like a good place to start. If cognitive faculties don't seem to be improving after a period (IDK...arbitrarily, let's say 6 months) then seeing a doctor might not be a bad idea. Actually, seeing a doctor and getting checked out wouldn't be a bad idea sooner than later if you're truly concerned about permanent damage.
BTW, even sober, I still love coltrane, too!
I'm not remotely close to being qualified to give advice on "fixing a broken mind", but giving it some time seems like a good place to start. If cognitive faculties don't seem to be improving after a period (IDK...arbitrarily, let's say 6 months) then seeing a doctor might not be a bad idea. Actually, seeing a doctor and getting checked out wouldn't be a bad idea sooner than later if you're truly concerned about permanent damage.
BTW, even sober, I still love coltrane, too!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Steve - welcome. The brain is a marvelous thing. I have very little personal experience with those substances, but I think your best bet is to give it time. My mind tends towards psychosis when I am under the influence of any hallucinogen, which kept me largely away from them. Of course, I had to learn the hard way and try most of them once. However, the dissociatives are beyond my realm of experience.
Going to see a doctor is a great idea, but I am not sure it will be as fruitful as one would hope. Most of them will probably blow it off, look down on you, and not have a clue on what to do. How many times do you think they get a psychonsaut come through their office that went a little overboard? Maybe if you did extensive research into a doctor that actually knew the field it would be worthwhile. Going to your run of the mill Primary Care doctor is going to be a waste of time in my opinion. I did a quick search, and it looks like NYU used psilocybin recently in research with terminal cancer patients. You might try looking up the directors of that research and reaching out to them for a start. I do think you are going to need to do some serious research to find a qualified doctor and be willing to travel (Manhattan is just a train ride away anyway). Maybe I am completely wrong on this one, and it is more common than one would think.
I would be shocked if there is much that you can do other than to give it time, but I am not a doctor. Maybe there are certain techniques they could use to sharpen your cognitive functions though. Playing certain mind games (e.g. a simple game of memory) might get your mind back in shape. Crossword puzzle, suduko, etc. would all be good too I would think.
As far as your job goes, you could try to spin your bosses' perception in your favor. The last thing they will want is a disability lawsuit. If you really wanted to go down that route maybe you could tell them you needed to come in late one day because you are going to a fundraiser for XYZ disability (something that has similar symptoms to what you are having). That might make them nervous because they may assume that you have that disability. Also, you can't go after an employer unless they know about a disability. Setting something up like that could make them cautious because an employment attorney worth their salt would think that they couldn't claim ignorance about the disability. Of course, it would just be smoke and mirrors, but it might work. I am not sure how you feel about the morals of doing something like that. It is probably something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing, but I guess it would depend on the type of boss I had (or how bad I needed the job).
Going to see a doctor is a great idea, but I am not sure it will be as fruitful as one would hope. Most of them will probably blow it off, look down on you, and not have a clue on what to do. How many times do you think they get a psychonsaut come through their office that went a little overboard? Maybe if you did extensive research into a doctor that actually knew the field it would be worthwhile. Going to your run of the mill Primary Care doctor is going to be a waste of time in my opinion. I did a quick search, and it looks like NYU used psilocybin recently in research with terminal cancer patients. You might try looking up the directors of that research and reaching out to them for a start. I do think you are going to need to do some serious research to find a qualified doctor and be willing to travel (Manhattan is just a train ride away anyway). Maybe I am completely wrong on this one, and it is more common than one would think.
I would be shocked if there is much that you can do other than to give it time, but I am not a doctor. Maybe there are certain techniques they could use to sharpen your cognitive functions though. Playing certain mind games (e.g. a simple game of memory) might get your mind back in shape. Crossword puzzle, suduko, etc. would all be good too I would think.
As far as your job goes, you could try to spin your bosses' perception in your favor. The last thing they will want is a disability lawsuit. If you really wanted to go down that route maybe you could tell them you needed to come in late one day because you are going to a fundraiser for XYZ disability (something that has similar symptoms to what you are having). That might make them nervous because they may assume that you have that disability. Also, you can't go after an employer unless they know about a disability. Setting something up like that could make them cautious because an employment attorney worth their salt would think that they couldn't claim ignorance about the disability. Of course, it would just be smoke and mirrors, but it might work. I am not sure how you feel about the morals of doing something like that. It is probably something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing, but I guess it would depend on the type of boss I had (or how bad I needed the job).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I've done a ton of hallucinogenics.... they certainly change the way you think and view the world. I remember once after partying for three straight days at a music festival I came down for almost a week... it was bad, I was all kinds of messed up. I was worried that I had permanently broken my mind. I kept reversing numbers at work and couldn't think straight at all. I quit drugs 7 years ago aside from a very very occasional night... like maybe once a year.
I think the only way to "fix" your brain is to stop taking drugs and practice clean living and give it time. Drugs change your brain chemistry so it will take time for things to right themselves.
I think the only way to "fix" your brain is to stop taking drugs and practice clean living and give it time. Drugs change your brain chemistry so it will take time for things to right themselves.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Give it time. I thought I fried my brain from drug and heavy alcohol abuse. I'm sure you have a similar brain fog. At 8 months sober I'm just now starting to feel sharp but I was pretty worried there for awhile.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I made a living as a DJ for ten years.
Fair to say that drugs are part of my story...... Just a bit..... Lol.
The only way to find your way is on the way.
Like riding a bike..... Just gotta get on it and go. Eventually you improve.
Keep putting in the action and your head catches up.
You might find it useful to have a quick chat with the bosses at work.
Find out if what you think is what, is actually the real story.
I left jobs thinking I should go before I was pushed, only to bump into people down the track and they would say "you were a breath of fresh air in the place, we miss you and the boss was a bit stunned you just up and went "
Fair to say that drugs are part of my story...... Just a bit..... Lol.
The only way to find your way is on the way.
Like riding a bike..... Just gotta get on it and go. Eventually you improve.
Keep putting in the action and your head catches up.
You might find it useful to have a quick chat with the bosses at work.
Find out if what you think is what, is actually the real story.
I left jobs thinking I should go before I was pushed, only to bump into people down the track and they would say "you were a breath of fresh air in the place, we miss you and the boss was a bit stunned you just up and went "
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Welcome and yes, give it time. I took so many hallucinagenics I thought I gave myself permanent brain damage. I've been completely sober and clean for five months and I'm slowly getting better. I'm not such a space cadet.
Jennifer
Jennifer
Stingy athlete recovery method
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: U. S. A.
Posts: 754
Originally Posted by Stevemcqueen
I had a very rude wake up call in January that has made me aware of what the years of abuse have done to me: it's made me a weird, uncomfortable presence in any situation and has made my thought process slow to the point that people must think I'm mildly ********, which I may as well be all things considered.
Thank you for joining the conversation. I think you write very well, and I benefited from reading your message.
People underestimate how difficult it is to be a server, even for someone with no substance abuse history. For starters, one has to keep track of so many details using short-term memory.
I also think people underestimate the brain's capacity to recover. Although these recovery processes are still scarcely understood, it is quite easy to find brain recovery stories that border on the miraculous.
I hope to read more of your posts in the days to come.
Mel
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
Your life is not over, but it may take time to adjust your body back. I too preferred hallucinogens when I was young and I paid the price with some social anxiety etc. The best thing you can do is set a course to be completely clean and continue to seek support.
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