Ok, so we had our session this morning. Wowzer. It was the best one we've had so far, and it was the hardest.
H is slowly seeing some things. He said he can't see anything when he's upset, he goes almost into a blackout and can't remember anything. While it's incredibly scary that happens, it explains a lot. He's said it before but I never really understood until now the depth and scope of it. He literally cannot remember what happens nor does he realize what he says.
He talked a lot about his insecurities and how when I bring something up or say something that contradicts his opinion or view of something, he automatically feels inadequate or stupid. I guess what I'm supposed to take from that is he thinks I'm very smart - but instead of giving me that credit he makes it into a self-derogatory comment on how stupid he thinks he is. It's strange because I do have a higher IQ but he has a higher social IQ, so I feel we've evened out. He thinks he's inferior. Add in there the shame and guilt from the years of drinking and he's an emotional time bomb waiting to explode.
Both he and the counselor alluded to his session yesterday where they talked about all the work H has to do on self-talk and negative emotions, and learning to deal with emotions constructively without wanting to use a crutch (ie alcohol). H is still sober and still wanting to be sober, but now we're getting to the time that he needs to start working on re-routing those paths.
We talked about mapping and the counselor was all over that. He was so excited, lol, and wants us to start by identifying key words we can use to calm each other and/or stop the escalation of emotions. H is supposed to learn to self-identify when he is either assuming negative emotions on my part, looping, or ramping up or escalating his own emotions in a destructive way. I am supposed to watch for triggers and use the key words once they are decided, and then set a time to come back together to discuss when H has calmed ... counselor was thinking maybe an hour would be enough for H to come back to rational thought again.
I build walls, so I need to work on not detaching too much. Some detachment is necessary - I like to call it disengagement since detachment sounds cold - but it's the same thing. I build walls and remove all emotion from the situation which makes H even more emotional, so I need to be more present in the situation. This is hard, because my walls protect me right now. So hopefully as we go along I can let them down a bit at a time.
h's goal is to come through a fight ok. My goal is to avoid a fight altogether. I think that's interesting. He's going to take on a fight, because he just wants the outcome to be ok while I don't want one at all.
We talked about how H doesn't hear me when he's ramped up or emotional, and how even me telling him he's looping will cause a negative emotional spin. That makes it hard, because I can't relay to him then what is actually happening. He knows he's looping, I know he's looping, but if I tell him he gets angry and loops more. So we need to come up with a emotionally neutral word that helps him to stop and grab hold of reality a bit more.
So, heavy session, but good. I told H I want him to take the lead on setting up times to work on mapping, because I move faster through this stuff than he does. He gets overwhelmed so easily, and his negative self-talk is always in the background, and sometimes it tricks him into thinking I'm saying those things to him when he actually is saying them to himself. So it'll be a very slow process in my eyes, but hopefully it will move forward. In the least, by the end of the week, I want to have some stop words or yellow light words that will help him grasp reality in those emotional blackouts.