Woodman, I hope I'm not out of line here but I wanted to give you another perspective.....one of the alcoholic. You have nothing to feel bad about. Alcoholism is a disease that requires long term participation from the alcoholic. Nothing you could have done or said would have changed and as far as her wanting to come home and the guilt you feel from that, she would have just dragged you and your children into that darkness with her. Self protection was mandatory for you and your children so that your mental health and your sanity was spared from this awful disease. We are sick but if we are still putting that bottle or beer can or wine glass to our lips, we are the ones making ourselves sick. Alcoholism is selfish, extremely selfish and her wanting to come home was only going to cushion her from her own reality of needing to stop.
I am so sorry for your grief and I have huge tears running down my face reading this because I know what I have put my husband through. I am a monthly binge drinker and still know the pain and anger I have caused him and it is so shameful. However, I didn't get it for so long even though I would say I did just to get him to forgive me for mean words and drunken antics. Now I get it and I haven't touched a drop. It is toxic poison and it is up to me to save myself, my husband couldn't do it. Alcoholism has different stages and though I was "just" a binge drinker, it's pull was massive on me. I can't imagine where your wife was at but the truth is that nothing in this world you or your kids could have done while she was living away from you, which w as the right thing for you to do, would have made her better. It was in her hands, and she failed herself, bless her heart.
Letting her come home would have been a comfort to her but not in the way you think. It would have been a comfort in her diseased mind to have gotten one over on you, to let her have all she wanted and be as selfish as she wanted without repercussions. I know this sounds harsh, but it is what I would have gloated about in one of my drunken states. This was in her. You tried to save someone who was determined not to be saved. I am saving myself because I see my selfishness and entitlement for exactly what it is. I'm sad she never got that. I'm sad she lost so much, but in the end, she always had a choice to come home. She just had to do that one thing...stop drinking. You have no culpability in her choice. My condolences to you and your children. May you find some peace and find someone to share your life who will give you that.