Struggling with guilt

Old 03-04-2015, 05:31 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Struggling with guilt

Hello my wonderful SR friends. It's been a while, but I needed to post as I'm struggling with guilt and need some healthy perspectives. I have very few people I can talk to about this (that really understand the dynamic of living with an alcoholic)- not even my counselor has as much experience and wisdom as the collective on this site.

So, as some of you know, I lost my wife to alcoholism approximately 6 months ago. My kids and I are doing pretty well for the most part. I've even started dating again- all good. BUT, I can't shake this profound guilt (and resulting sadness) for how I handled my wife's downward spiral. Without belaboring all the details, suffice to say she was in complete denial about the severity of her disease and all the repercussions to herself and the family. As a result, I attempted to enforce boundaries/consequences to her for not working a recovery program. She would come home from rehab, maybe hit a few AA meetings, but then stop going and just sink back into the same pattern of drinking, and denial. After much rumination, the first change was making her get an apartment on her own for 6 months- so she could really focus on recovery activities. When that didn't change her course (or her appreciation for the damage her addiction was causing), I felt my only option was serving her dissolution paperwork. One month later she died of acute alcohol ingestion.

I KNOW the 'I didn't cause it', etc, etc. mantra. And I know that only SHE could have helped herself. BUT, the nagging pain I feel is that she so desperately wanted to come home and be with her family. In her own words, "I just need to come home and be around you guys and I know I can get better...". Again, I realize this is disease rhetoric, but my struggle is that since the disease causes flawed thinking in the alcoholic, I truly believe that SHE believed this to be her only way towards recovery, and I was the one who 'broke' her emotionally by enforcing the separation. Knowing her as well as I did for 27 years, I know she felt truly abandoned by me and family. I know I didn't put the bottle of vodka to her lips, but can't help but feel I had a hand in it all the same.

I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life...How do you get through this?
Woodman123 is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 05:49 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,961
So sorry for the pain you are going through. I think grief is to be expected, as it's only been six months. And considering the circumstances, I understand the guilt. But I believe that guilt and pain will ease because you know, in your head, you did the right thing for yourself and children. Your heart will catch up.

Prayer out to you.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Wood, my heart just hurts for you. Honey, you tried being around her. You tried letting her be around you and the kids. That did not stop her one bit. The sad reality is, she had no bottom. Some don't. It's horrible and terrible, but it is the reality.

Are you in grief counseling of any sort? That may help you.

I think you can only do what you are doing, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Six months is a very short amount of time. I know it's an old saying, but time does heal a lot of things.

I am so sorry. Praying for you and your kids! I am glad to see you check in, I think of you often!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:28 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
woodman...it is good to hear from you again, though I am sorry for your pain.

Certainly, I agree with the other comments that 6months is still on the early side of grief.
It would be for a more "natural" loss of a spouse...even without the grim circumstances that you experienced. Yours was very traumatic, as I remember.

You have made great strides, in some ways. If, however, you are struggling, as you say...
Might I make this suggestion: Why not consult with a therapist who is experienced in the following areas--grieving/ family of origin work and get their thinking on this. In addition...seek out a MALE alanon group. They WILL understand what you are talking about and how you are feeling.

This is difficult stuff, woodman and I can relate to what you are talking about.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:30 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Thanks for thinking of me Hopeful! yes, I've done grief counseling, and independent counselor sessions as well. I'm actually OK for the most part- I am embracing fun things (and people) in my life, and the kids seem to be doing well. Though i am always on the lookout for 'signs' of concern...

I have come to acceptance that she had a 'bottomless' disease (you're right about that) and was probably destined to lose this battle because of that, regardless of what I did/didn't do. I guess the part that gets me the most, when I stop and think about it, is how sad she was in not being around me and the kids, and ultimately died alone. I have a really hard time with those emotions.
Woodman123 is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:30 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Woodman,

I'm sorry you are dealing with guilt. From what I recall of your posts, you spared no expense and you clearly loved her always.

She went to many detox and rehabs and she failed coming home multiple times. I think you are putting too much thought into quacking statements now that she is gone. Your mind knows you tried it her way a multitude of times over the years. You placing boundaries and consequences came years and years after the drinking got problematic.

Peace to you and yours.
CodeJob is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can understand that Wood. It's an awful disease. What you do have to remember is what it was doing to you and the kids. How awful it would have been for them to see her go down this road. You did what you had to do, there is no other way around it. It does not make it less sad, I know that. There has to be a difference between feeling sadness and empathy and taking on that guilt yourself. If anyone tried every single thing, it was you!

XXX
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Woodman...I still suggest that a male alanon group might bring you some comfort as well as ways to deal with the difficult emotions that you are still (naturally) dealing with.
There are other men who have walked in your same shoes. Face to face with them, I believe, could bring you benefits that you could not find, exactly, from any other source.

There is also a book written by Melody Beattie (Yes, the same one who wrote Co-dependent No More!)...It is titled: "The Grief Club". It is a good read...and it deals with living with those life traumas that we feel like there is no reprieve from.

your friend,
dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 06:54 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Woodman long time no see!!

You could have let her come home. It would not have stopped anything. She still would have sunk into the rabbit hole. The outcome would have been the same it just may have taken longer with more casualties of war. You may have lost your sanity along the way, and your kids would have watched this front and center which could have had much more detrimental effects on them than the way you decided to handle it. You protected them as you should have. Had you not had children your approach may have been something else. I applaud you for making a really difficult decision and protecting your children a lot of people don't. Its just not worth sacrificing a child to accommodate the desires of an alcoholic even if those desires tug at the heart strings. It sucks to do what is right when appeasement can be the (seemingly) easier choice.

I wish we could apply logic to emotion. Time is what it takes - you obviously loved her very much that was always evident in your postings. I agree that grief counseling would do you a world of good.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 07:18 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I would bet that Melody Beattie book is most excellent as she lost her son. She writes from deep experience.
CodeJob is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 08:51 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
((((Woodman)))) So good to hear from you again but sorry you are struggling :'-( Is there another therapist you could go to that understands both the addiction aspects as well as specializing in grief counseling? You already have so many tools under your belt and maybe it's just all part of the grieving. She would have continued to drink even if she did come back home (and you know that)... but she would be taking you and the children right down with her emotionally. Hopefully this is just all part of the grieving process for you and the stage will get better for you, not worse. There is truly nothing you could have done and you saved you and your kids from being taken down further. That shows what a good Father you are, even though it was so painful (and IS so painful).
Refiner is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 08:54 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Woodman123 View Post
I guess the part that gets me the most, when I stop and think about it, is how sad she was in not being around me and the kids, and ultimately died alone.
I answered you before reading all the posts and saw this. And that is exactly what I was talking about... you being such a good father and not allowing her to take you all down with her.
Refiner is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 09:05 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
firebolt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Just sending you some love and support. You did the best, and most healthy thing you could do for yourself and your family.

I am with Hopeful - Nothing was different when she was living with you. Please consider that the outcome would have been the same had she been in your home, with you and your children to witness. I hope one day you that you are entirely proud of yourself, for handling a tough and painful situation with the health of your whole family in mind.

Peace and blessed rest and comfort to you Woodman. (((HUGS)))
firebolt is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 09:16 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 24
Woodman, I hope I'm not out of line here but I wanted to give you another perspective.....one of the alcoholic. You have nothing to feel bad about. Alcoholism is a disease that requires long term participation from the alcoholic. Nothing you could have done or said would have changed and as far as her wanting to come home and the guilt you feel from that, she would have just dragged you and your children into that darkness with her. Self protection was mandatory for you and your children so that your mental health and your sanity was spared from this awful disease. We are sick but if we are still putting that bottle or beer can or wine glass to our lips, we are the ones making ourselves sick. Alcoholism is selfish, extremely selfish and her wanting to come home was only going to cushion her from her own reality of needing to stop.
I am so sorry for your grief and I have huge tears running down my face reading this because I know what I have put my husband through. I am a monthly binge drinker and still know the pain and anger I have caused him and it is so shameful. However, I didn't get it for so long even though I would say I did just to get him to forgive me for mean words and drunken antics. Now I get it and I haven't touched a drop. It is toxic poison and it is up to me to save myself, my husband couldn't do it. Alcoholism has different stages and though I was "just" a binge drinker, it's pull was massive on me. I can't imagine where your wife was at but the truth is that nothing in this world you or your kids could have done while she was living away from you, which w as the right thing for you to do, would have made her better. It was in her hands, and she failed herself, bless her heart.
Letting her come home would have been a comfort to her but not in the way you think. It would have been a comfort in her diseased mind to have gotten one over on you, to let her have all she wanted and be as selfish as she wanted without repercussions. I know this sounds harsh, but it is what I would have gloated about in one of my drunken states. This was in her. You tried to save someone who was determined not to be saved. I am saving myself because I see my selfishness and entitlement for exactly what it is. I'm sad she never got that. I'm sad she lost so much, but in the end, she always had a choice to come home. She just had to do that one thing...stop drinking. You have no culpability in her choice. My condolences to you and your children. May you find some peace and find someone to share your life who will give you that.
Drunkwriter is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 09:26 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I can't think of anything to add to the wonderful post redatlanta made. It's just as heartbreaking to lose someone under these circumstances whether she is with you or not at the end. It sounds to me like you made some really tough and well-thought-out decisions, and I think it's human nature to second-guess after something terrible happens. As red points out, it could have been worse, and with more suffering, if you'd brought her home.

You will work this through, and I hope you avail yourself of all the support you can to help you along the way.

Hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 09:56 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I realize this is disease rhetoric, but my struggle is that since the disease causes flawed thinking in the alcoholic, I truly believe that SHE believed this to be her only way towards recovery, and I was the one who 'broke' her emotionally by enforcing the separation.
Just like her disease has it rhetoric, ours has its own. And I think "Are you SURE I couldn't have done more?" is one of the most common questions inside it.

Couple that with the fact that "I should have been a better [husband/son/father/friend]" and "I wonder if I did enough?" are very common questions we ask ourselves whenever we're grieving somebody -- even without the added complication of addiction/codependency -- and I think your feelings of guilt that crop up every now and then are to be expected. That doesn't mean they're warranted -- just that... they're not unusual.

And it does sound like you are taking care of yourself, and that makes me happy.
lillamy is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 09:57 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If it helps, guilt is a nearly universal reaction to the death of a loved one. We all feel guilt when someone dies, although normally it passes fairly quickly. But when someone dies of alcoholism it's much more acute. Keep talking about it ... it will pass. You did everything possible but no one can stop an alcoholic from drinking if they decide to do so. Remember, feelings aren't facts: just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. My heart goes out to you, a big hug.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 10:29 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
Think it is part of grief to search for someone to blame and with alcoholism we will blame ourselves because we have tried so hard and for so long to prevent this and in the end it was to no avail.
Sounds like no-one could have done more or tried more,than you have :it wasn't your fault.
-all the love in the world just isn't enough sometimes.
Christopher1 is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 10:34 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
seasaw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
I'm so sorry sweety. Guilt is a natural and healthy emotion to work through in your situation - in all of our situations, for one reason or another.

It sounds like you did all the right things to protect all of you, including your wife because you stopped enabling her disease.

It is heartwrenching to imagine and picture the suffering of someone going through the end stages of addiction. I have had to go NC with my mother, and I struggle with guilt but I try to turn it into the empathy and compassion I would feel for anyone who has the life she has. Guilt implies there is something I should/could do to help save or rescue her that I haven't already tried - and there is not. Her life is her life.

Your wife DID have the option to come home. It was through recovery.

Your loss os great and I strongly urge you to go to Al-anon AND a gried and loss support group. When I lost my dad I didnt think I needed a group, and I got by without them - now that I've tried going, I wish I had started 17 years ago! They are incredibly useful.
seasaw is offline  
Old 03-04-2015, 10:51 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree that it's pretty natural to have these feelings Woodman. I remember your story but I went back & re-read a bit just to refresh my memory.

All I can say is that she failed at SEVEN detox attempts over 10 months..... if that didn't make enough of an impact on her then how could moving home have helped? Your head knows this but your heart is going to need some time to fully accept it. Just remember how we say around here, "Feelings aren't facts"..... just because you feel that moving home may have helped her doesn't mean it's true.

FWIW I think you are a ROCK STAR of a Dad. When it came down to choosing whether to sink/drown with AW or throw her a life jacket & row that lifeboat to shore with your kids safely inside... you made the right decision. Your kids will thank you for the rest of their lives in a million healthy ways for making them the priority here.



(((((((((Many Hugs)))))))
FireSprite is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:14 AM.