Originally Posted by ojaihali
I'm in a similar place too. I've gone to one meeting which was not the best experience and it really upset my H that I went. We're both in and out of denial. Do I go to a meeting if it's going to destroy him? I'm sorry I'm not really helping you. I think I need a lot of help with this. It's very new for me.
Ojaihali! Welcome! I'm so glad your here! This is exactly where you need to be, though it may take some time for you to figure that out. It took me 4-5 different Al-anon meetings to find one that I truly felt comfortable with, so find some other ones and keep trying! Get some literature (readily available at any face to face meetings), it will give you the insight you need to learn about the disease you husband is suffering from. It is a disease. That's the first thing we learn. More importantly, YOU didn't CAUSE it (no matter what they say, drinking is their choice!), YOU can't CONTROL it (no matter what we do or say to punish, offer insight, manipulate, we can not stop an addict from drinking/drugs/etc), and you can't CURE it (there is no cure... there is only an active addict and a recovering addict... and sometimes they bounce between the two!).
The second most important thing that I learned was that Al-anon wasn't for anybody but ME! I go because it helps me and it makes me feel better. My husband HATES, and I mean HATES, the fact that I go. He said it embarasses, so I asked why? "Because people will know I have a drinking problem!" And that alone was enough for me to say, "Well it makes me feel better, and don't you want me happy?" He still gets buggy about me going, but that's his to deal with!
There a really good pamphlet called the Merry-Go-Round of Denial. It really helps to understand how the alcoholic survives, and that it requires all members to keep participating in his/her games. If you step out of the game, or change from what you used to do (ie. lie to others about his drinking, pay his bills, do his chores, etc), it forces him to stand alone with HIS drinking problem. Stepping out of the game is called detaching, and it works if you work it! The alcoholic will freak out when you start to change, and they will try so hard to pull you back into the "dance." This is where having the support of Al-anon, and this forum helps.
This is a safe place. We have all been there or are there. We understand like no one else around can (unless they are actively seeking their own recovery!).
Keep coming back!
Shannon