Need to vent this in a safe place...

Old 05-12-2005, 05:27 PM
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Need to vent this in a safe place...

My husband, B, has a drinking problem that he readily admits, though he tells me that he's going "control" it. I should note that his idea of "controlling it" is only drinking 2-3 days a week, and having no more than 5-6 on each of those occasions.

He called this afternoon to tell me that he was going to "stop for a few after work" so that he could spend time bonding with the guys. He's been there over 4 hours now, and I know from the past that it means he will be fairly drunk, if not hammered when he gets home.

Now I should add that none of that surprises me. I know he isn't capable of being at a bar without getting drunk, that's his disease. I know that he really can't control it, like he wants me to believe. I know that I can't make decisions for him, and if he wants to put himself in that situation that's his choice. So this is all my head, the logical part.

So what about my heart? It's broken. I have a knot in my stomach. I'm dissappointed. And the worst part? It's all mine. It's because part of me still wants to believe that he's not sick, and that maybe this time will be different. I know that it's up to me to work my program. I need to stay focused on me.

I know that change has to come from within... within me... and within him. And so I'm reaching out for E,S & H. I can't do this alone.
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Old 05-12-2005, 05:37 PM
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You are absolutely right. You cant do this alone and you are in a safe place. That is what we are here for. I have felt the same exact way. My wife has been in denial off and on for several months. She gets help when she isnt in denial and when she is in denial she avoids, projects and rationalizes it all. It does hurt. The lies, denial and blame all hurt to the bone. I have recently begun working on learning how to detach. Separate the problem from the person. It helps to realize that it is the disease that is making her act this way. The disease makes her act totally differently. Work your program and get to meetings. That is what has helped me. I learn something new at every meeting.
Keep coming back
Jeff
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Old 05-12-2005, 05:40 PM
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I guess there in lies the problem. I had thought, "Alright you know what this night is going to be. Go to the 8:00 Eastender meeting. Get out... don't sit and dwell." And then the same old thoughts came creeping back in... "I don't want to go. What if he comes home and I'm gone? I'm sure he'll come home early this time." Crap. Self-defeated. Good old denial (mine) creeping back in. Now I'm mad, at myself, because I missed the meeting.
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Old 05-12-2005, 06:15 PM
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So go tomorrow. Or whatever day the next meeting happens.

Learn and move forward, even if it's just a baby step at a time.
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Old 05-12-2005, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy
I guess there in lies the problem. I had thought, "Alright you know what this night is going to be. Go to the 8:00 Eastender meeting. Get out... don't sit and dwell." And then the same old thoughts came creeping back in... "I don't want to go. What if he comes home and I'm gone? I'm sure he'll come home early this time." Crap. Self-defeated. Good old denial (mine) creeping back in. Now I'm mad, at myself, because I missed the meeting.
I have missed so many meetings because of my wife and her addiction and her drama. I am working on going to meetings for me and I cant let anything get in the way.

Dont beat your self up though. Learn from it and move on. You cant change the fact that you didnt go to the meeting. Let it go. If you keep beating yourself up, you will start the downward spiral of destructive behavior.

Keep up the positive behavior of looking at yourself and your motives and your needs. Good job.
You are learning and growing.
Thanks
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Old 05-13-2005, 04:37 AM
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Ahh... It was a SLIP (serenity losing it's priority!!) last night! I fell into the same old indulgences. Good news though... as soon as I wrote the second post, I re-read it and said, "Wait a minute! YOu don't HAVE to sit here and dwell. Go to the meeting, and who cares if your late!" Now that's the HP talking!

SO I went and I'm so grateful that I did. The shares I got to hear seemed to answer every question and concern that I had at that moment! I love my God's patience with me! What's even funnier is I'm pretty certain he's been trying to tell me to slow down lately. I've been pushing the pace of my life and there have been subtle message to "take it easy"... but I didn't listen! Well...

On the way back from the meeting, I wasn't paying attention AT ALL to how I was driving. I came through a spot in our Village, speed limit 30, and I was doing 55!!! What was I thinking?!?! Well because I just wasn't listening to him, God had to send a cop to get my attention! DOH!

Luckily, his messenger was very patient, loving, and understanding. He asked me where I was coming from and when I told him, he said, "So you're probably not having a good day?" and at that I broke down and admitted that my life was out my control and yes, today had been a bad day. He was very kind about it and let me go home with a warning... "Do me a favor? The next time you get behind the wheel and try to drive somewhere, make sure you have your full attention on what your doing."

Good advice in deed. How many times have I driven through life with no clear focus on where I'm going and what I'm doing? Next time I have a decision to make, I'll wait until I have my clarity before getting back on the road of life!!

Thanks Jeff and Walking the Line! It's that support that is the real secret to how Al-anon works!!
:-) Shannon
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Old 05-13-2005, 09:42 AM
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I can really relate to missing Alanon meetings due to the chaos and drama of my alcoholic daughter. A number of times, I missed meetings because I mistakenly thought that my spending time with her would prevent her from drinking for that night, at least.

What I learned is that I must put my Alanon meetings as a major priority.

Gettingby-
I really like the cop story - what a great reminder for us to keep ourselves in the moment.

Prayers and blessings
Robin
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Old 05-13-2005, 09:53 AM
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Hi there, well im in totally the same place as you right now, just got off the phone with him. The same old thing gonna be late home working late. Phoned his work to speak to him and guess what hes left!! Cant give you any advice but just wanted to send you a hug ((((((())))))).
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Old 05-13-2005, 11:27 AM
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I'm in a similar place too. I've gone to one meeting which was not the best experience and it really upset my H that I went. We're both in and out of denial. Do I go to a meeting if it's going to destroy him? I'm sorry I'm not really helping you. I think I need a lot of help with this. It's very new for me.
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Old 05-13-2005, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by ojaihali
I'm in a similar place too. I've gone to one meeting which was not the best experience and it really upset my H that I went. We're both in and out of denial. Do I go to a meeting if it's going to destroy him? I'm sorry I'm not really helping you. I think I need a lot of help with this. It's very new for me.
Getting by,
No problem with the support. I have needed it in the past and will in the future. We join each other here to help when another needs it.

Ojaihali,
You going to a meeting will not destroy him. How can something that will help you be a better person destroy him. Even if it was destructive, anything you do wont destroy him unless he chooses to let it!!! Just like anything he does wont destroy you or your family unless you let it. You can remove yourself and kids (if you have any) from a dangerous situation (not saying divorce, just remove until danger is resolved). You are the only one that you can control. You cant control him, you cant make him use and you cant make him quit.
I have found so much help and support from going to face to face meetings. I have learned something about myself everytime I go. Meetings are so wonderful.
You are not alone and you have come to the right place for help and support. With that said, you are the only one that can determine what kind of environment you want to live in.
Be honest with yourself and listen for God's direction for your life.
Thanks
Jeff
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Old 05-13-2005, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by ojaihali
I'm in a similar place too. I've gone to one meeting which was not the best experience and it really upset my H that I went. We're both in and out of denial. Do I go to a meeting if it's going to destroy him? I'm sorry I'm not really helping you. I think I need a lot of help with this. It's very new for me.
Ojaihali! Welcome! I'm so glad your here! This is exactly where you need to be, though it may take some time for you to figure that out. It took me 4-5 different Al-anon meetings to find one that I truly felt comfortable with, so find some other ones and keep trying! Get some literature (readily available at any face to face meetings), it will give you the insight you need to learn about the disease you husband is suffering from. It is a disease. That's the first thing we learn. More importantly, YOU didn't CAUSE it (no matter what they say, drinking is their choice!), YOU can't CONTROL it (no matter what we do or say to punish, offer insight, manipulate, we can not stop an addict from drinking/drugs/etc), and you can't CURE it (there is no cure... there is only an active addict and a recovering addict... and sometimes they bounce between the two!).

The second most important thing that I learned was that Al-anon wasn't for anybody but ME! I go because it helps me and it makes me feel better. My husband HATES, and I mean HATES, the fact that I go. He said it embarasses, so I asked why? "Because people will know I have a drinking problem!" And that alone was enough for me to say, "Well it makes me feel better, and don't you want me happy?" He still gets buggy about me going, but that's his to deal with!

There a really good pamphlet called the Merry-Go-Round of Denial. It really helps to understand how the alcoholic survives, and that it requires all members to keep participating in his/her games. If you step out of the game, or change from what you used to do (ie. lie to others about his drinking, pay his bills, do his chores, etc), it forces him to stand alone with HIS drinking problem. Stepping out of the game is called detaching, and it works if you work it! The alcoholic will freak out when you start to change, and they will try so hard to pull you back into the "dance." This is where having the support of Al-anon, and this forum helps.

This is a safe place. We have all been there or are there. We understand like no one else around can (unless they are actively seeking their own recovery!).

Keep coming back!
Shannon
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Old 05-13-2005, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy
It's because part of me still wants to believe that he's not sick, and that maybe this time will be different.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I can relate to this. Never in my life did I ever think that I would be in this situation and I still can't believe it's happening to me. I'm constantly trying to tell myself that he just "likes to drink" and he doesn't actually have a problem...and maybe he can control it. But he can't. And that kills me.
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