My husband, B, has a drinking problem that he readily admits, though he tells me that he's going "control" it. I should note that his idea of "controlling it" is only drinking 2-3 days a week, and having no more than 5-6 on each of those occasions.
He called this afternoon to tell me that he was going to "stop for a few after work" so that he could spend time bonding with the guys. He's been there over 4 hours now, and I know from the past that it means he will be fairly drunk, if not hammered when he gets home.
Now I should add that none of that surprises me. I know he isn't capable of being at a bar without getting drunk, that's his disease. I know that he really can't control it, like he wants me to believe. I know that I can't make decisions for him, and if he wants to put himself in that situation that's his choice. So this is all my head, the logical part.
So what about my heart? It's broken.
I have a knot in my stomach. I'm dissappointed. And the worst part? It's all mine. It's because part of me still wants to believe that he's not sick, and that maybe this time will be different. I know that it's up to me to work my program. I need to stay focused on me.
I know that change has to come from within... within me... and within him. And so I'm reaching out for E,S & H. I can't do this alone.
