tartel

this forum feels like a godsend. i've been reading it for days, not daring to post.
i was in a relationship with a heroin addict for three years. he relapsed throughout (few times a year).
i've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (even before I met him).
i took to the role of enabling co-dependent quite easily. every time i relapsed i managed to talk him into getting sober. talk about a new lease on life, happy positive (while in the back of my mind the gnawing feeling of suspicion and paranoia). few months later he will relapse, confirming my worst fears and the process repeats itself.
he does make efforts in staying sober, but none of them have so far been wholehearted (except for a four month stint where he was absolutely convinced he would never touch heroin again.)
i've lost sight of myself and how i used to be. my relationship with my friends and family all but broke down completely, my work suffered, i couldn't meet any deadlines. all that mattered was AH's sobriety. i didn't realise how much i pinned my happiness on him and his decisions. it is only recently that i've begun to identify myself as a co-dependent and enabler.
the most recent relapse was early this month. i finally left (i was not able to handle the sight of him high, and deal with this new person he became each time he relapsed). also didn't have the strength and energy to hold his hand and lead him into sobriety again. i decided if he wanted to get sober he can do it himself.
cut off all contact (except for the occasional supportive and loving email), locked up our house, and left town without telling him where i am. he is trying to find me, visiting my family, calling my friends, all the while high and slurring and making threats, to kill himself, to hurt himself, if i don't call him.
i've been managing to hold on without cracking and giving into talking to him. i stated early on in his relapse that i would only speak to him if he gets himself sober.
1) i can't help feeling guilty. i expect this is normal codependent behaviour but i feel like i am the only person who can talk to him, especially since i am the one who manages to "get" him sober each time. i feel he has lost everything and now will no longer have any reason to actually get sober.
2) during times when i am not anxious or worried, i think of the happier times we had together and feel sad - this is the most predominant feeling now as time passes and the "shock" of him relapsing wears off and i get used to the truth - that is is back to being the "junkie" when left to his own devices without my help.
3) i feel like i owe him some kind of explanation for why i left - something i brought upon myself because i threatened to leave so many times but never did until now.
4) it has been about two weeks since i last had direct contact with him (met him three fridays ago and spoke to him on the phone a few days after that). while it is slowly getting easier, i keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and drag me back into that horrible awful life of anxiousness, paranoia, suspicion and being lied to. and watching those mood swings and witnessing the depression and inner darkness and self-hatred that comes with withdrawals and early sobriety (i've seen that so many times). i wake up anxious, i go to sleep anxious. have this intense feeling of discomfort in my stomach. feel trembly inside and once heard voices in my head.
5) i think about how bad he will feel once he is sober again. he has screwed up badly this time. all his friends are angry with him, my family will never accept him again, and his work is in jeopardy. when sober he has this intense need to be accepted and liked. it feels difficult for me to dismiss it as "he brought it upon himself". i feel like he has been enabled his entire life by his parents who still let him live with them (he has been a heroin addict for two decades) and does not have the facilities to deal with it alone without someone kind to "guide" him. is this too naive?
i'd like someone to tell me what i am doing wrong or right. i feel confused. i talk to friends and family but it is very black and white with them. they don't understand my sympathy for AH, and why i feel sad or sympathetic. if i do leave him, i'd like to know it is a decision i make for myself based on some kind of rational thought, rather than doing something someone tells me to do.
i'm sorry this is so long. i felt the urge to outline each and every detail, and this is my attempt at keeping things brief.
lots of love to you all. it helps to know there are so many who have gone through what i am going through now, and it makes me feel less alone.