new to forum: just left AH and feel confused

Old 02-20-2015, 10:26 AM
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new to forum: just left AH and feel confused

this forum feels like a godsend. i've been reading it for days, not daring to post.
i was in a relationship with a heroin addict for three years. he relapsed throughout (few times a year).
i've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (even before I met him).
i took to the role of enabling co-dependent quite easily. every time i relapsed i managed to talk him into getting sober. talk about a new lease on life, happy positive (while in the back of my mind the gnawing feeling of suspicion and paranoia). few months later he will relapse, confirming my worst fears and the process repeats itself.
he does make efforts in staying sober, but none of them have so far been wholehearted (except for a four month stint where he was absolutely convinced he would never touch heroin again.)
i've lost sight of myself and how i used to be. my relationship with my friends and family all but broke down completely, my work suffered, i couldn't meet any deadlines. all that mattered was AH's sobriety. i didn't realise how much i pinned my happiness on him and his decisions. it is only recently that i've begun to identify myself as a co-dependent and enabler.
the most recent relapse was early this month. i finally left (i was not able to handle the sight of him high, and deal with this new person he became each time he relapsed). also didn't have the strength and energy to hold his hand and lead him into sobriety again. i decided if he wanted to get sober he can do it himself.
cut off all contact (except for the occasional supportive and loving email), locked up our house, and left town without telling him where i am. he is trying to find me, visiting my family, calling my friends, all the while high and slurring and making threats, to kill himself, to hurt himself, if i don't call him.
i've been managing to hold on without cracking and giving into talking to him. i stated early on in his relapse that i would only speak to him if he gets himself sober.
1) i can't help feeling guilty. i expect this is normal codependent behaviour but i feel like i am the only person who can talk to him, especially since i am the one who manages to "get" him sober each time. i feel he has lost everything and now will no longer have any reason to actually get sober.
2) during times when i am not anxious or worried, i think of the happier times we had together and feel sad - this is the most predominant feeling now as time passes and the "shock" of him relapsing wears off and i get used to the truth - that is is back to being the "junkie" when left to his own devices without my help.
3) i feel like i owe him some kind of explanation for why i left - something i brought upon myself because i threatened to leave so many times but never did until now.
4) it has been about two weeks since i last had direct contact with him (met him three fridays ago and spoke to him on the phone a few days after that). while it is slowly getting easier, i keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and drag me back into that horrible awful life of anxiousness, paranoia, suspicion and being lied to. and watching those mood swings and witnessing the depression and inner darkness and self-hatred that comes with withdrawals and early sobriety (i've seen that so many times). i wake up anxious, i go to sleep anxious. have this intense feeling of discomfort in my stomach. feel trembly inside and once heard voices in my head.
5) i think about how bad he will feel once he is sober again. he has screwed up badly this time. all his friends are angry with him, my family will never accept him again, and his work is in jeopardy. when sober he has this intense need to be accepted and liked. it feels difficult for me to dismiss it as "he brought it upon himself". i feel like he has been enabled his entire life by his parents who still let him live with them (he has been a heroin addict for two decades) and does not have the facilities to deal with it alone without someone kind to "guide" him. is this too naive?
i'd like someone to tell me what i am doing wrong or right. i feel confused. i talk to friends and family but it is very black and white with them. they don't understand my sympathy for AH, and why i feel sad or sympathetic. if i do leave him, i'd like to know it is a decision i make for myself based on some kind of rational thought, rather than doing something someone tells me to do.
i'm sorry this is so long. i felt the urge to outline each and every detail, and this is my attempt at keeping things brief.
lots of love to you all. it helps to know there are so many who have gone through what i am going through now, and it makes me feel less alone.
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Old 02-20-2015, 12:33 PM
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Ann
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There is an old saying around these parts that we call the 3 C's...Didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

Nothing we do or don't do, say or don't say, no matter how much we beg, cry, plead, manipulate, threaten or bargain...we cannot save anyone who doesn't want to be saved. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

They can and do live without us, when they lose us what they lose is someone to blame, to steal from or manipulate for money to buy drugs, they lose the one place they can find a soft fall and a sofa when everything else fails.

At some point, we have to step back and decide what is and is not acceptable in our lives. For me, addiction no longer enters my home. I no longer do for anyone what they can and should do for themselves. I pray for them, and leave the rest in God's hands. It's how I get through my days knowing my son is lost in addiction somewhere.

You sound like a wise and smart lady. Please don't lost sight of yourself and your dreams while trying to save a sinking anchor. You'll only go down with him.

Hugs
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Old 02-20-2015, 01:02 PM
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tartel...

Welcome to our little corner of SR. Ann beat me to the punch in terms of greeting you. As you can no doubt tell, she is both caring and wise, and has given you some valuable feedback. So now it's my turn.

he is trying to find me, visiting my family, calling my friends, all the while high and slurring and making threats, to kill himself, to hurt himself, if i don't call him.
What you have described is something we see all too often here. It's really the cruelest, most sadistic form of manipulation there is. But for the sake of discussion, let's say it works. You cave, you go back to him, and once again, you take up the responsibility of getting him sober...

...and he (again) relapses, you leave (again), and then he plays that card (again)...

...and on, and on, and on it goes, with no end in sight...

From my vantage point, he has no interest in recovery, and that's because he's paid no price for using. But you've paid a hell of price, haven't you? Being anyone's enabler is going to break us in two eventually. And here you are.

So, a couple of things.

What you have learned throughout this cycle is there is no "fixing" him. We can't fix anyone. It's not our responsibility to fix people. It is our responsibility to manage ourselves, and part of that responsibility is learning how to not allow ourselves to be put into situations like you're currently in.

The best way to deal with suicidal ideation is to simply call 911. Personally, I don't believe he has any intention of harming himself. That said, you still need to take the threat seriously. Allow the police to deal with him, and let him try to explain his way out of that particular box.

We can help you get back on our feet and onto a healthier, saner course. It's good that you've read a bunch of posts already prior to taking the plunge and posting yourself. You now know you're not alone.

Absorb what you've read. Figure out how it helps you. And keep pushing forward as best you can.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 02-20-2015, 03:09 PM
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Welcome tartel,

Keep reading and posting. This is a wonderful place.

If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
After the three C's, this is the next best phrase.
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Old 02-21-2015, 04:02 AM
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thank you guys, your words really do ring true, especially ann

"They can and do live without us, when they lose us what they lose is someone to blame, to steal from or manipulate for money to buy drugs, they lose the one place they can find a soft fall and a sofa when everything else fails."
and zoso
From my vantage point, he has no interest in recovery, and that's because he's paid no price for using. But you've paid a hell of price, haven't you? Being anyone's enabler is going to break us in two eventually. And here you are.
i will keep this in mind, especially during those moments when i question myself.
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