why do I stay with this man
That's a good question. And unfortunately, probably not one that anyone but you can answer.
But I can take a stab at some reasons why people stay in abusive/dysfunctional relationships. I can tell you why I did. I can tell you why some of my friends did.
One of my friends grew up with two alcoholic parents, left home at 15 and made her own way since. We met in our 20s. She was dating addict guys I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. When I asked her why, she thought about it for a long time, and then came back and said, "I think when you have a childhood like mine, you're convinced life is hell. So you choose a hell you're familiar with because you know you have the skills to cope with that hell." She went on to marry and divorce an alcoholic; and then married a salt-of-the earth guy with whom she lives a fairytale these days -- she might be the happiest person I know.
Why did I stay?
1) I was in denial -- about how bad his drinking was, about how his drinking was affecting me, about how isolated and miserable I had become.
2) I was proud -- I didn't want to admit to my family that I had made a mistake in marrying him.
3) I was proud (again) -- I seriously thought that I could love him into becoming the man I wanted him to be.
4) I was optimistic -- I believed in people's ability to change, and in his ability to change.
5) I was scared -- that he would use his money and contacts to take the children away from me.
6) I was scared (again) -- that his abuse would reach DEFCON1 and he would kill me.
7) I was exhausted -- I didn't think I had what it took to leave him.
8) I had lost my self-confidence -- I started believing that I was a useless so-and-so and all those other things he would yell at me.
9) I thought God would fix him.
10) I wasn't sure I had the right to take the kids away from him, and I was afraid of what he would do to the kids if he got custody of them.
11) I had hope. After all of that, I still had hope things would turn around.
So, then, what made me leave?
That is easier to answer: I had had enough. I got to a point where I felt my survival and the survival of our children -- first emotional, then physical -- was at risk. That's when I made my decision.
I don't know if any of that helps you -- but that's sort of my story.
