irisgardens

I am involved in several forums...am posting in this one as I am (finally) starting to see my husband for who he is and the fact that, although married 40 years, he has always relied on me to do all the hard stuff--several business failures, 3 kids who have used drugs--2 addicted to extreme drugs (crystal meth and now an active addict on heroin--a child death, etc).

As an extreme codie and aca, I bought into my narcissistic mom's teaching of how we were the perfect family...and have spent the last 12 years since Dad's death (he was a codie and an alcoholic but I only realized after his death as my 2nd daughter got involved in crystal meth and there were several years of hell there).

Now, he has gone down financially another 2-3 times or so since I last pulled us out of a bad business partnership, yadayadayada. My kids are all adult children this time...and I have set and am holding the boundaries on my heroin addict daughter...who cut contact with me...and I let that really trigger me along with the continuing financial failures by husband over past 2-3 years as I was at the end of my rope. I have worked more or less consistently...although have had a lot of job turnover...I think it is the pull from family in crisis...part of it...so in naranon right now and working to do therapy (need to get the money or insurance) to get that done.

Last night was another 'last straw' -- as the tax refund that he had told me I could count on (I was the only one that worked and had extra taken out just in case--as this has become what I expect now...instead of the hope that was there 5 years ago when he lost the business and home to what he claimed was the great recession...and I am sure that was part of it...but he didn't tell me that the people he was building for filed a homeowner's claim and he had to file bankruptcy and our house had to go because of the overspending on his jobs (not sure he has ever made money...just made cash flow look like it)--and I suggested we return to his home country where he proceded to sell the property there at undervalue (& to family no less)--and lose everything there too plus he went into a contract with a guy who had been his friend for 40 years and didn't finish to satisfaction (although that culture prides themselves on being thieves...it is a source of national pride...and are manipulative)...and from the 'friend' I learned he had an affair.

Now, I can't prove the affair or what he did in Chile...as he was there by himself the last 7 months as I was working to make a 'new start' feasible. However, he did return different. He was a drinker from the age of 16 and is 63 now. For the past 4-5 years, it has appeared to me that he has given up on everything...although we used my savings (I always 'shared' but have come to learn that it was a mistake) to dig him out of his issues with business and money...as well as 3 kids who went through drugs and therapy for me (the best use of the money) as I have worked on my ACA and Codie issues.

He blames everyone else for his issues. I know that when I was in Chile with him, he would drink with friends...and have been told that that is what Chilean men do...by many people in the culture, primarily my chilean women friends who had divorced their husbands as they weren't treated well...and started over.

I got laid off in Sept and went into a terrible depression/anxiety episode...the entire family (no longer family of origin--4 adult kids who are presumably sober and the active heroin addict...who got mad as I did the tough love mom thing with the judge and da when she was arrested and although she has always told me she gets angry and holds grudges...I never believed it until then--she is 22--and it was like seeing the monster within when she was arrested for not having gotten herself into a court ordered rehab--6 months...and the public defender got her off--the judge told him he wasn't acting in his client's best interest but he seemed to be a guy who wants to win even when winning is losing.

Have been looking for a job throughout without too much luck...am 60 this year...but still working on the job search...and when I go down...take the rest needed--a few days and get back up and go.

Unemployment is going to run out...and my choices are few...have been researching options as hard and fast as possible...there aren't a lot but I am going to exhaust what I have...and continue to look for work...my insurance is in limbo...had been paying COBRA but can't afford...so working on state insurance.

You may ask what is my question?

My question is why do I stay with this man who has brought me down over and over again, has aliented the kids who are now adult children and I am told by therapist that they are selfish and self absorbed...and I now know that...and I see he is too.

He tried to 'instruct' me to call the IRS today to see if there is any remedy to having the refund taken for the college loan (in his name--as he wrecked my credit long ago). I always thought he was ignorant and could learn...but now I have come to believe that he is lazy and irresponsible (told him in Chile when I couldn't take the conditions any longer)--he plays the victim and the bully but never the one who takes responsibility.

I don't see him drinking anymore...not for the last 10 years since I dealt with it in therapy and set boundaries with him...but he acknowledges nothing as his fault...just seems to lay down and then use the word 'you' 'you' 'you'...so I believe he is an alcoholic even if he is drinking and I am not sure that it matters why his judgment is so poor...as it is almost as if he has impaired thinking or has been using me all this time as I am a very loving person...but codie behavior gets me no where.

Just looking for validation (I tend to want full proof on everything...but this is ridiculous) and counsel if others know this situation...so that I can continue to take my snail slow steps...but take the next right step continuously.

In the meantime, I am going to another interview today...and hoping against hope that it will be the right one and I will be hired despite my age.

Thank you in advance...I tend to not be able to figure these relationship things out...common to ACA's and I tend to give the benefit of the doubt for a very long time...but this is really bad and I am the only one who is dealing...which makes it worse.

Denial? Praying for strength to get out.

lillamy

That's a good question. And unfortunately, probably not one that anyone but you can answer.

But I can take a stab at some reasons why people stay in abusive/dysfunctional relationships. I can tell you why I did. I can tell you why some of my friends did.

One of my friends grew up with two alcoholic parents, left home at 15 and made her own way since. We met in our 20s. She was dating addict guys I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. When I asked her why, she thought about it for a long time, and then came back and said, "I think when you have a childhood like mine, you're convinced life is hell. So you choose a hell you're familiar with because you know you have the skills to cope with that hell." She went on to marry and divorce an alcoholic; and then married a salt-of-the earth guy with whom she lives a fairytale these days -- she might be the happiest person I know.

Why did I stay?
1) I was in denial -- about how bad his drinking was, about how his drinking was affecting me, about how isolated and miserable I had become.
2) I was proud -- I didn't want to admit to my family that I had made a mistake in marrying him.
3) I was proud (again) -- I seriously thought that I could love him into becoming the man I wanted him to be.
4) I was optimistic -- I believed in people's ability to change, and in his ability to change.
5) I was scared -- that he would use his money and contacts to take the children away from me.
6) I was scared (again) -- that his abuse would reach DEFCON1 and he would kill me.
7) I was exhausted -- I didn't think I had what it took to leave him.
8) I had lost my self-confidence -- I started believing that I was a useless so-and-so and all those other things he would yell at me.
9) I thought God would fix him.
10) I wasn't sure I had the right to take the kids away from him, and I was afraid of what he would do to the kids if he got custody of them.
11) I had hope. After all of that, I still had hope things would turn around.

So, then, what made me leave?

That is easier to answer: I had had enough. I got to a point where I felt my survival and the survival of our children -- first emotional, then physical -- was at risk. That's when I made my decision.

I don't know if any of that helps you -- but that's sort of my story.

Timeiskey

Iris,

You asked the question "Why do I stay with this man...?" You make reference/mention throughout this post about all these stresses and incidents that seem to be unacceptable to you. So, why do you stay? I had all kinds of reasons/excuses for accepting what was unacceptable to me. I remember when my ex and I first broke up. This was after he binged for seven days and I was trapped overseas and had to witness it. That caused a huge fight and we agreed to break up. However, I was absolutely devastated. A few friends kept pointing out that I had given him an ultimatum- either moderate and be responsible or it is over!!! I didn't see it as an ultimatum at the time. A few good friends also commented that if his behavior was unacceptable to me, then it was unacceptable to me...what I wanted to hear was shock and awe at his condition and actions. I wanted them to tell me that I was right and that he should change. But the truth is that we all have to make our own decisions and my friends were right. It isn't that my ex needed to change, but that I accept who he is and if that person is not acceptable, then I must leave. And it has been the hardest thing that I have had to do- to actually begin to learn to let go.
Only you know what to do. It may be that you are too close to the situation right now to get proper perspective. I hope you can find time to take a breath, get a little distance and consider your options. Big hugs and good luck with the interview!

irisgardens

lillamy and timeiskey--thank you so much.

just got home (had to borrow vehicle from youngest son who lives with me) from dropping 20 year old son off at community college...and asked him to contribute to household expenses as I only have enough unemployment to make 1-2 more months of rent...he told me no and that I told him he didn't have to pay rent...which isn't true...but I was trying to get the job when he moved in end of November...and thought it would be easier than this.

At home, found out that my interview is cancelled which means that I am back at square 1--although I think I can go to a few help wanted places and apply and will do that now in order to keep my hope for me alive...different than my professional standing but as it doesn't seem to be going fast, I will apply at the post office as well as a retirement home for cleaning and see if any of that pans out.

Now, the other question...I am pretty much done...I think...and your answers helped take some of my guilt and shame away (enough to go apply for those jobs)--am I too old at 60 to start over without him? I just don't think I can afford him anymore...and the past 3 months on top of the past 2 years have shown me that he isn't going to change...and that God isn't going to change him?

Any ES&H on the age thing--I know that I am hitting ageism...but I am still job searching...and I won't back down. However, it just seems as if I need to move on.

My kids are adults and non-supportive--the 20 year old told me he doesn't want to know any of it...and if what I learned in my lengthy ACA work is true...that makes him a passive participant in the abuse...all the other kids have chosen the same route...and I am out of steam and they 'appear' to be doing well...needless to say...I have nothing left to give...material, emotional. I have spent the past 2 years adjusting to their adult behavior and figuring out that I will not be heard nor supported (don't mean materially--but in emotional terms) and although this is probably 'normal' for someone like me whose (thank you lilamy) both parents were alcoholics (high functioning)--and have a narcissistic mom.

So...anyone hit it out on their own at 60? I feel like I am such a slow student...but I am beyond the end of my rope--read today on a post...I have been given the gift of desperation...and I am working to try to reach out and figure out if I can take the steps to leave...and whether it is worth it...the loss of the tax refund due to non-payment of college loan (in his name and his responsibility--yes, I have spent years working on not getting onto his side of the street as I have heard it referred to in my alanon and naranon meetings)...but this...well...just makes bad worse.

I do believe that underneath all the piles...I deserve something better than this...at least people who are supportive (my naranon meetings and SR right now).

Thank you again...I have been working for months to be able to get to this question...is it too late for me?

I totally appreciate your answers...softened the blow on the interview.

lillamy

Post office is NOT a bad job if you can get it -- federal benefits are to die for these days; I'd trade my professional job for a job at the post office in a New York minute!!!

You keep up the moving ahead, Iris, and keep coming back -- both here and to naranon!

hopeful4

IG...I surely don't know the answers but want you to know I am here, supporting you no matter what path you take!

XXX

Gonnachange

No, I don't think you are too old to forge ahead without him. Clearly the non supportive situation you are in is not working for you and as there is no willingness to change on his part you really have to seriously consider what is best for you going forward.

I'm short on advice, but wish you well.

NWGRITS

Sign up for and take the postal exam. Can't apply for jobs without your scores. I took and passed the test last year, but still haven't landed a job. The test requires attention to detail and being quick, so try the practice material you can find in various places online. USPS.com® - Careers