Hi Rosie,
How are you feeling today? Don't worry about not 'getting it' fast enough of not feeling like you are as strong as other people. Having a child who is an addict is very difficult, and unlike a romantic relationship, you can't divorce or break up with a child--even an adult child.
I know I used to wonder if my stepson was drinking/using or not, tried to look for clues, tried to understand it all--play detective. The only thing that ever did for me was to make me crazy. I think for me it just came down to "what is acceptable behavior around me". Then my husband and I discussed boundaries to protect ourselves. Our boundaries are not so that we can impact his behavior in any way, they are just to protect us. He absolutely pitched a fit at first, but he has grown to accept them, and we consistently enforce them.
We weren't perfect at this right away
It takes time, and it takes practice. We will talk to my stepson, and we always let him know that we love him. We just won't tolerate being swindled, or being threatened, or being guilt-tripped into giving him what he wants (money, phone, apartment, whatever).
Sadly, someday, we won't be around any longer to clean up after his messes or rescue him from his own choices. He will have to learn how to deal with those things on his own--like any other adult in this world.
Sending hugs, Rosie!!! I know it's hard
