Karrets

Oh my lord why have I got back in touch with him. My AH got out of jail last week. He didn't contact me. I got a letter valentine's morning calling me this that and the other because I told him about me seeing someone else when we were separated. His letter felt threatening and I was scared so I called him. ... He hung up after I said he can't see my daughter. So I think that's it and dump the rest of his stuff with an old friend and text him saying don't contact me again. Then I call him. ... then I met him yesterday he's saying he's trying to get into rehab that he loves me that he isn't using and on 18ml of meth and still reducing..... and I'm thinking this is it he could be changing. We had a walk and an adult conversation and that I said okay we will give it a year and see where we are at after that.
I wake up this morning my mate is angry with me so is my other friend cause they can see me going back in.
I don't want to I feel like an addict... I'm sneaking about. . Lying to my friend... I'm angry at myself and I want to text him and say look I can't do this waiting anymore we are too damaged but I'm gonna hurt him.
In less than 24hrs I'm crying got no motivation feel I don't want to work. .. I thought I could meet up and be in control of it .. just let it be and if he gets better he gets better but that means waiting. ...waiting. .. always waiting. I risk losing my friends my family and career cause of this man.
Why am I so quick to forget what's happened? Why can't I just leave him alone? I feel weak confused and I was feeling better.