I've ruined my life in one meeting. .. advice please

Old 02-17-2015, 02:22 AM
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I've ruined my life in one meeting. .. advice please

Oh my lord why have I got back in touch with him. My AH got out of jail last week. He didn't contact me. I got a letter valentine's morning calling me this that and the other because I told him about me seeing someone else when we were separated. His letter felt threatening and I was scared so I called him. ... He hung up after I said he can't see my daughter. So I think that's it and dump the rest of his stuff with an old friend and text him saying don't contact me again. Then I call him. ... then I met him yesterday he's saying he's trying to get into rehab that he loves me that he isn't using and on 18ml of meth and still reducing..... and I'm thinking this is it he could be changing. We had a walk and an adult conversation and that I said okay we will give it a year and see where we are at after that.
I wake up this morning my mate is angry with me so is my other friend cause they can see me going back in.
I don't want to I feel like an addict... I'm sneaking about. . Lying to my friend... I'm angry at myself and I want to text him and say look I can't do this waiting anymore we are too damaged but I'm gonna hurt him.
In less than 24hrs I'm crying got no motivation feel I don't want to work. .. I thought I could meet up and be in control of it .. just let it be and if he gets better he gets better but that means waiting. ...waiting. .. always waiting. I risk losing my friends my family and career cause of this man.
Why am I so quick to forget what's happened? Why can't I just leave him alone? I feel weak confused and I was feeling better.
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Old 02-17-2015, 05:43 AM
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Karrets...

One of the running themes here at FFSA is that decisions have consequences, both for the addict and for those who love them.

Your AH's decisions bounced him in jail. That the price he pays.

Your decisions regarding your AH have landed you where you currently are. And that's the price you pay.

I say this not to be cruel, or unsupportive. You know me well enough at this point to know that I do support you and care about what happens to you. But at some point, Karrets, you have to pay attention to what you know to be true about your AH. Because you're not paying attention.

It's like someone that picks up a downed power line who thinks they won't get electrocuted. But they pick it up, and get zapped. Over, and over, and over. That's you, Karrets. Your AH is the downed power line. You continue to pick it up. You continue to get zapped.

It is entirely in your power, and I mean 100% in your power, to not pick up that power line. So the question you need to ask yourself is what do you have to do to not pick it up?

No one can answer that for you, Karrets. Only you can answer that.

Keep us posted.
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Old 02-17-2015, 05:50 AM
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Cheers zozo. .. I'm stupid I'm thinking well this could be it he looks well his eyes are normal. .. he's saying all the right things. And at the same time I'm thinking. . I don't trust him ... he's gonna use straight away. ... he's gonna fail...why won't he take his coat off... he's saying he needs me and wants me but I have to do what's best for me. ......
I know I need to forget him and get on with my life. I was doing good a couple of weeks ago.
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:01 AM
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he's saying all the right things.
What he says means jack squat.

What he's done and will do does.
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:02 AM
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When breaking up with my AXBF, I had to develop some new behaviors to put distance between us. I've never been very assertive in romantic relationships. I had a very bad breakup in my teens where the guy flipped out on me and have always been a little terrified since then of breaking up with people. I had to learn to say no, and mean it, and stick with it.
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:09 AM
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Jjj I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a wimp with boundaries I've got a lot better. I'm gonna try and get away this weekend and keep my distance. I feel like I should be explaining to him. .. then I end up buckling
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:10 AM
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Hi Karrets, I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

I do urge you to please let him go. I only say this from my own experience, because...

I let my x come back into my life after a stint in jail, he seemed to have made progress and I finally thought he got it.

About two weeks in he stole my debit card and took the max amount the atm would allow. I know for certain he would have wiped me out given the chance.

I could not kick myself hard enough for seeing him again and jumping back on the merry-go-round.

He is now in jail again, on retail theft charges, this is a new one. He has not changed, every BS letter and email he sent was complete and utter hogwash.

I honestly don't believe he ever will change.


I know some do and I don't want to discount that
but I think deep in our heart and soul we can tell the ones that just don't want to come clean.
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:14 AM
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Karrets, you knew when he got out there would be challenges, that was a given.

Chalk it up to a rough day and move on. He is not good for you at all, nor your child. You have made serious progress.

Be honest with those you do care about, the truth will set you free.

XXX
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:18 AM
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Sun..... its sock what we do to our selves isn't it. I said you can't come back home and he was saying I can't sweetheart or would be too painful to leave. . And that he needs to do it on his own. .... In my head that means he wants to go and score. .
I'm not taking to him again. I can't do it. I've gone from doing my accreditation to crying on a morning in less that 10Hrs
thanks hopeful your encouragement always helps x
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:18 AM
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Good for you Karrets--you figured out your action and what it did...and you sound as if you are back on the train to forward and better.

I have come to believe that it is mostly if not all me doing it to myself...my progress seems as slow as a snail...but it is progress...and the honesty here on SR--helps tremendously.
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Old 02-17-2015, 12:29 PM
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I listen to Loveline, the radio show that Dr. Drew hosts. Don't quote me, I'd rather anyone listen for himself, but Dr. Drew often speaks about how traumatizing experiences often lead to reenactment, of which people try to control the situation, when reality is they are reopening the wound.

A young girl who was sexually abused who goes into porn is a good example. By "taking control" of her sexuality and being "in charge" of what she does with her body, often can set her up to be revictimized (by men, women, film staff, the industry, etc.) and recreate the same sense of being being that young girl who was abused. (Note: I don't mean to say that all porn stars or sex industry workers are victims of sexual abuse, nor would this scenario apply to them. Just my literary license to use as an example.)


Even people who survive near-death experiences can show the same pattern. Think of someone who survives a horrific car accident, and all of a sudden realizes how short life is, and how little he lived before the accident, and becomes an "adrenaline-junkie"--sky diving, bungee jumping, or other such activities. He would be recreating the same rush and feelings as being out of control in that moment, not realizing that he is putting his own life at risk, instead of something happening to him at random. (Note: I do not mean to say that this is healthy or not, good or bad, or anything like that. Just an example.)

I hope those examples made sense.

I've noticed I show this pattern myself.

Today, I got an email that my X was released to a HWH. Part of me wants so badly for him to reach out to me, and I half suspect he will. I think my hope is founded on me trying to recreate the situation (my contact with him) and trying to "master" it (by not falling to pieces, hearing him profess his undying love and apologies) but I know I can't right now.

I know that if I hear from him, I will cry, be hurt, and feel like I've been punched in the gut, just like I did when I got that email. I can't master the situation because I can't master him. I have no say over him.

(Here's where I take two steps back in my progress and hope and wish and fantasize that someday it'll work out with him. But I think self awareness is one step forward. But maybe someday that won't be my truth.)
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Old 02-21-2015, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
I listen to Loveline, the radio show that Dr. Drew hosts. Don't quote me, I'd rather anyone listen for himself, but Dr. Drew often speaks about how traumatizing experiences often lead to reenactment, of which people try to control the situation, when reality is they are reopening the wound.
thank you, this is a great truth
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