Tiredofdrugs

Hi Rosie!

The will to stop being someone other than who I am drug free! I got tired of always popping pills and fading away! My world around me at home was closing in on me! Nothing was getting done around the house or land either! I couldn't stand it, but by popping another pill? It all went away! It was also taking a simple sore forever to heal! I was starting to look years older than I actually am. I felt like I was becoming a part of the walls around here. Just disappearing!

The problem of never having enough pills to keep me happy up till my next refill of meds was another problem. I was in love with my pain meds! I'd run out of them and would pace the floors looking out the window at the mailbox waiting for the mail to come and praying my pills got delivered.

After the mail ran I'd walk out to the mailbox and open it. I'd look inside and see the bag. My heart would start racing and I'd get back to the house and start kissing the bottle! Yep! I kissed that bottle like it was a lifeline! My heartache was getting ready to end for another round. I couldn't get that bottle opened quick enough to pop a pain pill! After taking the pill I'd think to myself: "I hate these pills with a passion, but oh how I love them!"

After the pain pill took affect in my system I was feeling real good. So good I'd sit in a chair and think: "Damn this is what I've been waiting for!" And there I'd sit for hours with everything needing to be done around me. At some point I'd finally force myself to get up and take care of my pet chickens. I thank God everyday for these precious little ppl in feather suits. They kept me moving. And still do to this day!

I have a passion for life now! I'm happy. I laugh all the time. I see new things everyday that I've missed for years. I can get things done in a more timely manner now. God it used to take me forever just to get ready to leave home to go to town. Now I'm tapping my foot and waiting on Jethro! And out the door I sneak with coat in hand! LOL I have more empathy in myself now. I'm not "Bchy/snappy" anymore! I try to give ppl comfort and advice from my own experiences in life. We are all different in many ways. I try not to judge ppl anymore.

My husband who I call Jethro on here? Is still taking the same pain meds I was! Grrrrrrr Right now there's probably 75 pills in this house. I make him put them away so I don't see them. Preferably out of the house, but they probably aren't. I don't go searching for them either! And this is the reason.

The opiates grab hold of me and keep me locked within their love affair. I have to dig really deep inside to say; I've had enough! No addict wants to go thru the withdrawals. (That's why most stay on them!) When I make the decision to get off of them I know it's going to be a hard couple of weeks ahead of me. Sigh! I know though once those weeks are behind me it's all down hill for me. At least the physical part anyway. I've had RLS my entire life. When I start going thru withdrawals my legs start going crazy! (I've walked miles in the driveway to relieve the RLS). I even get it in my arms the first couple of weeks. My doctor prescribes "Carbidopa" for me to take for the RLS. It's a medication for Parkinson patients, but is known to help stop the RLS also.

I also found this medication will help to calm me down! This is one thing that helps to keep me from running after opiates. The other reason is I don't want to start the craziness all over again. And that's exactly what it turns into! We turn into crazy ppl looking for our DOC and the rest of the world can go to hell!

We(I) have to come to the conclusion that we can no longer survive on opiates or whatever it is that fuels our drive to keep using. It's a personal journey that we have to accept. Sure there's lot's of help to get us thru it. That person just has to want it bad enough to start the journey! And stick with it! I don't do the 12 steps either. It's not for everyone!

I've been on and off these pain meds since 1985! This isn't my first rodeo! I read somewhere on SR a long time ago: "How many withdrawals do we have in us?" I'll be 55 at the end of this month! I have my teeth (shut up Bluechair) sunk into this clean journey as tightly as I can. This is a life and death situation we are all in here! So until I'm in a situation that I'm out cold and an ER team sticks a needle into my arm and pumps pain meds into me? I'm fighting to stay off the pain meds!

TOD

Here's a song that kept me in tears for weeks! But it helped get me thru the days!