CodeJob Walks the Line
Checking in. I read all of my step posts the other day. I am grateful.
I've realized as I mull over how to make an amends to my H that in our marriage, we have each taken turns stepping up and saving it. Maybe a few times it was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it was more of a function of codependency-habit-fear of abandonment for both of us. I always thought I would know what to do once I made my amends. I do not particularly have any clarity, but I am starting to feel at peace with either outcome.
RAH has a deadline to work on his intimacy issues. This came about from marital counseling last night. We are meeting with counselor again mid-March. He may act or not act. But I gave him the power. I am stepping back. I don't even think I'll mention it.
In the meantime I am mulling over my amends. I've decided to write it out. I don't think I will give it all to him written, but it will help me cover 20 years of my issues in a less disheveled way. I think I am going to arrange it under my failings with 1-2 examples of each. Codependency. Fear of abandonment. Criticism. Defensiveness. Contempt. Those might be some good subject headings.
In regards of my amends to my self, I am meditating, exercising and eating my way initially. My goal is fully well - mentally and physically. I seem to only manage one or the other. Last year was a strong start. I feel fairly hopeful about getting my whole self stitched into one. My DS made a comment the other day that I was really working hard. It surprised me that he noticed. It was sweet of him to speak up.
So I'm walking the line on Nine.