Hi guys! Goodness it's been a while. My internet at home stopped working in November, and I've only just got it back online tonight.
How has everyone been?
My time since my last post has had positives and negatives. I'll touch on the positives quickly - we went to Japan, which was wonderful, I became engaged (also wonderful), and even bought a new car (after my last one kept trying to kill me).
Sadly the negatives have included relapsing, often, and heavily. It all started at the office Christmas party, back in December, and I knew straight away that time had changed nothing, and my drinking was just as bad as before, though the hangovers were astounding without that built up tolerance!
Anyway, I had a pattern of a few days without, then several day-long binges, then enough days without to forget how awful it all was and start again, etc. I'm currently on day 4 (of sobriety, not a binge!) :/ I got up to just shy of 2 years, but the last 3 months have been a lot of back and forth.
The good part, I guess, is that I've been able to identify that it's an issue, and I feel ready/strong enough to stop. Again *sigh*. The bad part is, that while it wasn't as much or as consistent drinking as pre-December 2012 (there have been regular 3-4 day 'breaks' this time), it was enough for me to develop the cravings again, and to get some of the anxiety-related withdrawal issues (feeling scared for no reason, for example). Coming home from work tonight I was disappointed that I wouldn't be drinking. But that's what cravings are for me, and I know that.
So, I guess my plans to avoid a reoccurrence is to start logging on here a lot more often and to take it one day at a time. If I find I'm struggling too much, and getting too close to giving up again, I will arrange to start seeing my psychologist again. Which would be awful to go back, tail between the legs, but I won't let my pride potentially rob me of any more of my life.
I don't know if it's connected, but my next cancer check-up will be next month, which should be the 'final' one. An all clear will mean "cured".
Sorry I have been gone so long
I thought of you all often but the combo of no internet, paranoia (I don't log in on my phone in case someone accidentally sees it), and shame from the relapses has kept me away.
PS - My foot problems (the planter fasciitis, spur, and torn Achilles) are going to be treated with an injection Friday, and so I'll have someone in the house from tomorrow and over the weekend to look after me/do my walking for me, so I may not be able to be back here until Monday.