I just want the bad treatment of the kids and I to end. Yet, when he sees nothing wrong with the way we're treated it doesn't really change. *sigh* I just want a healthy relationship.
Wife, do you see the disconnect here? You want "a healthy relationship." You want "the bad treatment of you and the kids" to end. But the A
sees nothing wrong w/the way you are treated. What would give you any idea that things would be changing? I don't mean to come across as brutal, but he sounds as if he has zero interest in changing, so I'm not sure what your expectations of change are based on.
My counselor told me a couple of weeks ago that acceptance of who he is, as he is will help him more. Basically, don't say anything about him needing help. I didn't realize before that my hope of helping created more problems.
Your "hope of helping him" is only creating problems for one person--YOU (and the kids). If your counselor has given you any idea that anything you've done or not done--ANYTHING--is the cause of your A's behavior, you need to find another counselor who has some knowledge of alcoholism and addictions. You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you sure as hell can't cure it. It is NOT up to YOU to "help him more" by accepting him. It is up to you to take care of yourself and your kids, NOT a grown man who is able to take care of himself!
I just don't know how to hold on through waiting for him to even see that change is needed. I keep having pieces of me crumble off while trying to endure less-than-best treatment at times and it is wearing me down.
Wife, you do not have to "endure" treatment and behavior that you find unacceptable. A marriage is not a mutual suicide pact. You are NOT obliged to go down w/the ship. You have every right to seek happiness and peace for yourself and your kids. Let go of your A. Turn him over to the Universe. You have not lost the battle, it was never yours to win in the first place. I see it's been well over 3 years since you joined SR--surely by now you've read many posts that say "nothing changes if nothing changes", right?
Please consider Alanon, and please consider a different counselor, one with YOUR interests at heart.