Hello to all -
Just subscribed today, out of sadness & desperation... Immediately related to member CAN who wrote in Doug's "Many Ways to Enable an Alcoholic" thread. I have been (and can still be) an enabler at all 3 levels -- rescuer, provoker, martyr. Its overwhelming to say it out loud. CAN: If you are listening, My "state" mirrors yours, but am married for only 14 years ;-)
I am no stranger to the disease -- ACOA -- Mom died as a result of -- Dad is 27 years sober - exact to the day Mom died, if you get my drift. My AH is 5+ years sober, but with 3 slips... I break my marriage into 3 parts:
- Life before sobriety before kids = fun actually, we were mid-20's, having fun, no responsibilities, drank together, active socially, no money problems, travelled, etc.
- Life before sobriety -- pregnancy & after kids = I grew into Momhood, left the "i'm young, partying, and having fun days" -- he didnt. Life got bad then worse, then verbally violent, then money issues, then marriage "bottom"/threat of leaving, then rehab for him for drugs/alcohol & a return to AlAnon/ACOA for me
- Life after sobriety & 2 girls (7,9) = first year? hopeful; year 2-3? struggling - and verbal violence/behavior returns... year 3 to now? Just as CAN describes, "It's like, we've lived so long in specific roles that we no longer know how to communicate with each other. I've found that we have nothing in common (except 2 wonderful girls), we have no sex, - I don't think there is much to stay for. I've become bitter & bitchy."
Wow - did I really just overanalyze my married life like this and categorize it? Wonder if it has anything to do with being a research analyst. Anyway, I can relate to the spouse that regularly experiences "dry drunk" syndromes... Unfortunately in my experience (as a daughter and a wife) the behaviours dont go away with sobriety -- in fact life sometimes its just as hard - but in different ways - *with* sobriety.
Frankly, I'm struggling - dont want to be bitter and bitchy. Dont want to be 41 and ready to give up. Dont want to expose my kids to divorce. Dont want to have fading memories of sex. Dont seem to be able to ignore unacceptable behavior - and you know what? - dont really think its fair that I might have to/should do so -- it seems to be enabling *more* of the same behavior, i.e. there are no consequences. Dont want to.... etc.
That's lots of donts, I know. My do's? Do want to feel different, react different, be a nicer wife, be hopeful on a regular basis... -- but just dont know how to get there from here...Registered last week for a PREP seminar based on the "Fighting for Your Marriage" book. (I am an over-responsible ACOA "action-taker"...) But today? I feel hopeless again...Same ol, same ol.
Thanks to whoever is listening.