View Poll Results: How often do you see alcoholic behaviours POST sobriety
All the time
40.00%
Frequently - enough to be a problem
53.33%
Sometimes - not enough to be a problem
6.67%
Not at all
0
0%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

AH has stopped drinking - Has the behaviour?

Old 05-05-2005, 10:42 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: MA
Posts: 3
AH has stopped drinking - Has the behaviour?

Hello to all -
Just subscribed today, out of sadness & desperation... Immediately related to member CAN who wrote in Doug's "Many Ways to Enable an Alcoholic" thread. I have been (and can still be) an enabler at all 3 levels -- rescuer, provoker, martyr. Its overwhelming to say it out loud. CAN: If you are listening, My "state" mirrors yours, but am married for only 14 years ;-)

I am no stranger to the disease -- ACOA -- Mom died as a result of -- Dad is 27 years sober - exact to the day Mom died, if you get my drift. My AH is 5+ years sober, but with 3 slips... I break my marriage into 3 parts:
  • Life before sobriety before kids = fun actually, we were mid-20's, having fun, no responsibilities, drank together, active socially, no money problems, travelled, etc.
  • Life before sobriety -- pregnancy & after kids = I grew into Momhood, left the "i'm young, partying, and having fun days" -- he didnt. Life got bad then worse, then verbally violent, then money issues, then marriage "bottom"/threat of leaving, then rehab for him for drugs/alcohol & a return to AlAnon/ACOA for me
  • Life after sobriety & 2 girls (7,9) = first year? hopeful; year 2-3? struggling - and verbal violence/behavior returns... year 3 to now? Just as CAN describes, "It's like, we've lived so long in specific roles that we no longer know how to communicate with each other. I've found that we have nothing in common (except 2 wonderful girls), we have no sex, - I don't think there is much to stay for. I've become bitter & bitchy."
Wow - did I really just overanalyze my married life like this and categorize it? Wonder if it has anything to do with being a research analyst. Anyway, I can relate to the spouse that regularly experiences "dry drunk" syndromes... Unfortunately in my experience (as a daughter and a wife) the behaviours dont go away with sobriety -- in fact life sometimes its just as hard - but in different ways - *with* sobriety.

Frankly, I'm struggling - dont want to be bitter and bitchy. Dont want to be 41 and ready to give up. Dont want to expose my kids to divorce. Dont want to have fading memories of sex. Dont seem to be able to ignore unacceptable behavior - and you know what? - dont really think its fair that I might have to/should do so -- it seems to be enabling *more* of the same behavior, i.e. there are no consequences. Dont want to.... etc.

That's lots of donts, I know. My do's? Do want to feel different, react different, be a nicer wife, be hopeful on a regular basis... -- but just dont know how to get there from here...Registered last week for a PREP seminar based on the "Fighting for Your Marriage" book. (I am an over-responsible ACOA "action-taker"...) But today? I feel hopeless again...Same ol, same ol.

Thanks to whoever is listening.
LeeCheo is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 10:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
OMG... THANK YOU!

Welcome to SR

You have just given me a inside look to what my life could have been. My ex-ABF (living with) has been 6 months sober, but he has not changed at all, in fact since he left me 6 months ago it has gotten much worse for him.... he refuses to grow up and is partying without drinking with his "fellowship"

Im not sure how they cant see that they have not changed when their world is falling down around them, I actually liked him better when he drank as far as our lives together.

Im just coming to the point now where Im really looking at that whole relationship and giving thanks to God for removing me from it. I love him yes, but that life that you described was where I would have been....

*hugs* I do feel for you!
Cynay is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 11:21 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Dancing To My Own Beat
 
Magichappens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
For most of my life, I looked for others to change to make me ok. Be more supportive, more caring, more attention to me. I finally got miserable enough to turn the mirror around and begin looking at myself. I couldn't do it alone. I needed help. I got help in a local Al-Anon group. Reading the literature, going to meetings, taking the suggestions started making a change in me. I was becoming whole, even though the people around me weren't changing. I began to heal, find serenity and confidence, and a new purpose and light in my life. As I changed, others around me adjusted. It wasn't always easy, but I stayed on my recovery track. Eventually, my relationships began to improve, and I felt love come up from the ruins of many years of resentment, fear, and depression.

Whatever recovery path you chose, whether Al-Anon, another group, or therapy, it is up to you to find your peace inside. That begins with taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting on learning what you can do to heal and grow.

I'm glad you joined us, and I hope you find this forum a useful tool in your own recovery. Hugs, Magic
Magichappens is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 01:22 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Somewhere between here & there
Posts: 9
Unhappy

I only knew my ex-ABF for a short while before he stopped drinking and started going to AA. We didn't begin dating until he had been sober for 10 months. But. I have watched his personality change over the past 5 years until I was one of those whispering in meetings "sometimes I wish he would just drink". My reasons for going to Al-Anon were to try and figure out what in the world "they" had done to my guy!! After 16 months in Al-Anon, I realize "they" didn't do anything.
He left me 3 months ago and I am just now getting to the point where I can even consider that it was for the best. I visit this site often, although I don't post often. I am so interested in reading about people who have stopped drinking/using but haven't changed their behavior. There isn't much info out there about what happens AFTER sobriety. And even in Al-Anon, it doesn't seem that very many people experience what I went thru with him. I am so grateful for this site and the sharing.
CAdrmn is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 02:52 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
1000 Post Club
 
FriendofBill's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Welcome! Thanks for posting. Do you still work an Al Anon program?

Keep coming back?
FriendofBill is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 03:58 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: MA
Posts: 3
Thanks for the discussion so far...

Originally Posted by FriendofBill
Welcome! Thanks for posting. Do you still work an Al Anon program?

Keep coming back?
Thanks to all that welcomed me -- yes, I still work an AlAnon program, truely. Some days I work it better than others...

I think my frustration occurs -- and I've been experiencing it for some time, when I feel like I am in recovery alone. Well do I know that this is a family disease - I had a rather traumatic childhood and was in ACOA long before my AH went to rehab 5 years ago. The trauma didnt end with my father's sobriety, but I thankfully gained a lot of tools to protect and take care of myself. I certainly need to be reminded to use them. The alcoholism in my marriage was kind of like the Claudia Black book "It will never happen to me" ;-) although I did not end up being the alcoholic -- just the co-dependent ;-)

I am a fixer, a do-gooder, a people pleaser, for sure... But I'm also loyal to a fault -- and am contemplating whether that's working against me now.
Al-Anon & ACOA help me. But working my program doesnt fill the void of a lost husband, a lost friend, a lost partner...

Human"ness" is to react -- I try not to -- but its awfully hard to get kids ready for school, deal with a full day of work, do afterschool and dinner and homework -- alone. Because Daddy just doesnt feel like dealing with life today... or yesterday.. or the day before. I have respect for the work done to get sober -- but I have been losing respect for the lack of effort in day-to-day recovery. Life is hard -- I dont know anyone who has it easy -- and many are not alcoholics, but dealing with cancer, grief, whatever... Hell, I feel like I aint had it easy -- but life goes on, I try to think of a bad day as just that - a bad day -- and get up and try all over again.... When I lose the ability to do that - I scare myself ;-) - and thus, I contemplate -- and try not to isolate -- hence - I'm here....

thanks again
LeeCheo is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 04:51 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Caring for the 3 little bears
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Sounds like he is depressed. I know we are not supposed to "take care" of them and their stuff, but if your child, or good friend was depressed, would it not be appropriate to say, "hey, I care about you and seems like you have been depressed lately. What are you going to do about it?"

My AH is extremely depressed, and maybe even bipolar. Has a couple really bad bad episodes a year, but won't seek help for it. Then he turns to the bottle, then the vicous cycle starts all over again. Depression, bottle, honeymoon, depression, bottle, honeymoon, depression, bottle, honeymoon. Yes, it is sad and all I can say is you need to do what is best for you and the children. Can you live with it the way it is right now, with no expectations of him getting better? I too am in the research business and want to weigh all the pros and cons, and not let emotions take over. But, sometimes our emotions are what motivate us to make changes in our lives.

I too have struggled with ending a 16 year marriage, with a 6 and 8 year old. But, it isn't a true marriage. He has accused me of not honoring our marriage vows, for better or worse. But he didn't honor our marriage vows, as he abandoned me and the children for the bottle. I like to think of it as adultry. He has a love affair with a bottle.

Peace! Take care. And don't forget, you can take baby steps. You don't have to make a bunch of changes all at once. Start with things, like getting finances in order, getting house in order, making lists, etc. Once you start making some small changes, the BIG changes may not seem as big.
wraybear is offline  
Old 05-05-2005, 07:46 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I see what I chose to see...
 
Justika's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
I just want to say thanks for posting and sharing...I'm starting to get things. I am with him for better or for worse...but it's so damn hard 'cause I keep feeling like...what about me. I know now...only me cares what about me, and only I can make a difference.
Justika is offline  
Old 05-06-2005, 09:21 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I was where you are just about a year ago. I just stopped "being" to him and started "being" to myself. I am a great mom, a great business owner, and a great person. I owe it to my children to not teach them this ugly cycle -- divorce or not. I would rather teach them self respect and their importance as a human being moreso than how to "handle" my AH. That only teaches them, well, to continue the cycle I so hate. My AH has to choose-- manage his disease with family intact or not manage his disease alone. There are no other options.

You cannot will your marriage to stay together. Marriage, as all relationships, require the participation of two people. Addictive personality requires the actions of another to perpetuate the cycle. When you step away as an active participant there are only two actions that the addict can choose -- same or different.

I hurt for you as I remember what those feelings felt like. I also know that you deserve your own happiness in this life as you only have one swing around the horn as well. PM me if you want to talk. Good luck!
Beautiful is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:15 AM.