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Today I have a heavy heart because I wish I would have been nicer to his ex girlfriend. My eyes are welling up with tears and I will probably start to cry as I type this out. I've known the RA in my life well...for my whole life pretty much and I've watched him go through a few relationships and one by one and the girls were labeled as crazy, unstable, train wrecks, bitches, ect.

Now the last girl he dated, I was actually friends with her at first. She was labeled a w...e. She did some terrible things. Really, awful, and so when he broke up with her I took his side. In my mind I labeled her as a crazy w...e and that was that! Those dirty looks she gave me in public? Yep, cause she was a crazy w...e.

A few months into his recovery I started "dating" him: this complicated are we / aren't we thing. At first I thought it was really charming so it wasn't long before I fell for him. He told me how good I was to him and I felt like I was different. Yes, I was better than all those crazy ex-girlfriends of his. All he needed was the right girl. Well now, I am also a crazy ex-girlfriend (if you can even say I was his girlfriend).

Now I know what's like to love and want someone SO MUCH, even if they treat you with disrespect. I know what it's like to get jealous of other women just because he is being nice to them. Why is he nice to other people but not to me...am I really just that crazy and awful? I know what's like to see him with another girl and wish more than anything you were her because maybe that's who he needs. I know what it's like to be ignored and given the cold shoulder even though he's sitting right next to me. I know what it's like to have text messages unanswered or if they are answered, you spend the night trying to figure out the meaning. Is he being nice? Sarcastic? Mean?
I know what's like to feel like you never want to talk to him ever again but yet being afraid of the fact - what if I never talk to him again? I know what it's like to be afraid to see his family because what if they hate me too? I know what it's like to cling to the good moments like your life depends on it.

I wish I could hug that girl so, so tight. I wish I could tell her I AM SORRY! I'm sorry for judging you, for talking about you, for the dirty looks! I'm so sorry and I would give anything to tell this girl that.

And to his new girl who hates me? Well, a couple weeks before he got back together with you he called you a crazy psycho. And don't worry in a few months, maybe a year, you will be putty in his hands too and wondering what the hell happened.

I pray for all those ex girlfriends, I really do.