This is a large project I initiated quite shortly I moved to NY. They hired me because they thought I would bring something different and creative.... I stood up to that even as a drinker, for a couple years, but of course not with my standards. Then they promoted me last year because it was going well, slowly but very well... in spite of the master's (=me) awful drinking habit, which was getting worse and worse. I took advantage of the people working with/for me, for years. I think my employer did not get rid of me because I brought this project, and a professional experience that is rare in this field... I could also secure funding for my project (still going, for another couple years). Also, no need for visibility, the department and everyone could have it all. I just wanted my drinking. Still can't imagine how I did it, knowing how bad and dysfunctional I was during at least the last 2 years before I quit). I also had another job before the current one where I was hired for the same reason: she will bring this xxx amazing thing to us. I think I did. But severely under the potential.
So I guess my task about my past misfortune is to try to forgive myself. I think everyone has, except myself. Guilt, for me, is probably even worse than anxiety.