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Rejection

Old 01-28-2015, 01:08 PM
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Rejection

Has anyone started experiencing rejection in personally meaningful areas as an adult?

I was an overweight child and bullied about it until ~9 years of age, when I started an extreme diet, and that initiated a series of eating disorders that I could not put an end to until ~25. So I think there was lots of issues with social rejection before 10.

But my temperament (inherited, or biologically determined part of personality) is very independent, and non-negative.

I grew up in a loving home, only child, but with wonderful parents. I also discovered friendship very early in life, and have always had at least one good friend since kindergarten. And they never betrayed me or abandoned me unless a very strong rational reason that I accepted.

So this thing at 40... feels crazy. But I think I'm also good at detaching, effortlessly. Yet, this is about a study we performed when I was very depressed, drinking heavily, and unable to act... and yeah, the result is just that, rejected.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 01-28-2015, 01:19 PM
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Yeah, I just keep getting rejected every where I go now. I get along with everyone as I always have, was popular in school, popular in work, popular on the party scene, popular as a dj. So it deosnt really make sense.

I don't even care anymore. I dont understand, what is that you feel rejected about?
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Old 01-28-2015, 01:30 PM
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Hi Haennie,

Along the way I've felt rejected in certain areas. How I dealt with it has been based on the situation. What's bringing this on for you?
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Old 01-28-2015, 01:30 PM
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I would not say the popular thing... although I mostly did not care when I was younger. People liked me and tried to make connections with me, but it only worked when I wanted it, when I let them in.

I don't think I've alienated anyone seriously.

Rejection today: just a research paper that was done when I was severely depresessed. Just not used to it, why these feelings, I guess. I'll get over it.
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Old 01-28-2015, 01:49 PM
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I haven't done anything ambitious enough lately to possibly face rejection.

I too was always the guarded one in the past who never gave people the chance to reject me, I was always choosing to reject or not. I guess I was just too afraid to face rejection so I rarely ever put myself out there to be rejected.

It makes sense how your paper may not have been up to your potential considering the state you were in when you made it. I look back at some of the work I've done while on the merry go round of addiction and some of it has me saying "I can't believe I thought this was great stuff!"...
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Old 01-28-2015, 02:00 PM
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Haennie, I've suffered my share of rejected papers -- one I'm working on today was previously rejected. I know why, now, because yes, I was drinking so much then I hadn't bothered to look closely at what my co-author did LOL -- or what I did, for that matter.

Hang in there -- I have a colleague who says that all research can eventually find a home. And some things you eventually have to chalk up to learning the hard way.

Reviewers' comments can sting wicked bad. The sober approach is to read them and pay attention to them. It's quite painful, though, isn't it? PM me if you want to talk more about the publication process. We're not in the same field, but I think from reading your posts something related.
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Old 01-28-2015, 02:30 PM
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Ok you are right, popular is not the right word here either. I'm the same as you in that, and Justin. Totally guarded almost always. Particularly the past many years.

And yeah, since I got sober some of the things I look back at that I was doing or sharing or interested in makes no sense whatsoever, I had no clue what I was at.

I kinda felt the same about a mix I did when I was drinking a lot. I was chuffed as it was the first I had done in years, actually it wasn't great now looking back and it was a bit demented as well.

That was probably what I liked about it then. Yeah i'm not surprised not many people liked it, I probably wasn't happy at the time though.

That might be more similar to your experience recently. But not to worry
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Old 01-28-2015, 02:33 PM
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Hi Courage... yeah. I'm very experienced in the academic process, and I am sure that I am sometimes the hated reviewer. Just an emotional thing today, but it's also good. I know that that study could have been done much better, and it was because of my drinking and lack of discipline/responsibility. I think I'm particularly sad/pissed at this because I know the potential in this work... anyhow, won't make me cry right here.

It's one of those things I feel incredibly guilty about the past... and one of those things all you AA'ers will tell me to correct. I did. I never worked the steps formally, but I feel this is something like step 10?

Thanks, again.
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Old 01-28-2015, 03:13 PM
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I'm sure it happens to most of us at various times all our lives for various reasons, fair, unfair or otherwise. I really do try to do the glass half full thing rather than wallow in my own pity. For the better part of three years now I have been running operations when the other two are away. Twice now, the boss has moved to new locations but I have not been given the position. Even though I am qualified and have been doing the job I did not take the "internship tour" around the country for a few years. Sure, they say they promote from within but only if you are willing to pack yourself in a suitcase and go wherever they want you to. I will be coerced by the Regional Manager most likely next week about joining the internship but really what should have happened is they just promote me to boss of my current facility.

In spite of that, I am happy with my current position and enjoy my house overlooking the valley so yeah, glass half full. Things could really be a lot worse and I could be thinking about this while I stare at the bottom of a pint, instead I'm still sober and trucking along.
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Old 01-28-2015, 03:28 PM
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This is a large project I initiated quite shortly I moved to NY. They hired me because they thought I would bring something different and creative.... I stood up to that even as a drinker, for a couple years, but of course not with my standards. Then they promoted me last year because it was going well, slowly but very well... in spite of the master's (=me) awful drinking habit, which was getting worse and worse. I took advantage of the people working with/for me, for years. I think my employer did not get rid of me because I brought this project, and a professional experience that is rare in this field... I could also secure funding for my project (still going, for another couple years). Also, no need for visibility, the department and everyone could have it all. I just wanted my drinking. Still can't imagine how I did it, knowing how bad and dysfunctional I was during at least the last 2 years before I quit). I also had another job before the current one where I was hired for the same reason: she will bring this xxx amazing thing to us. I think I did. But severely under the potential.

So I guess my task about my past misfortune is to try to forgive myself. I think everyone has, except myself. Guilt, for me, is probably even worse than anxiety.
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Old 01-28-2015, 03:43 PM
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We just all need to remind ourselves of the strengths we bring into the fold and the value of our talents that most come to recognize. Soldier on, soldier on.
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Old 01-28-2015, 04:45 PM
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I've been thinking about your thread all evening Haennie, before I came to post on it!!

I wanted to think of one clear example or theme that has been present for a period of time in my own life, and that has been coming to terms with my physical appearance, that has been the biggest learning curve in my life.

I've always been on the short side with regards height, and as a guy I never really thought about how something like that can cause so much rejection until I became an adult and looked back on it.

When I was younger I was always passed up on when it came to being picked for sports, this I overcame with surrounding myself with others who were more interested in music, that became my clique in high school, we knew every new band/song, even played guitar and could pull off a few songs on acoustic at parties!!

Next it was relationships and realising women tend to choose guys taller than them, this again I needed to overcome and work to my strengths, which was conversation and being interesting to others, work wise again height can make me look younger than I am, so promotions when generally the most experienced climb the ladder, looking younger can be a disadvantage, the typical 6ft leader is not something I can pull off, but again focusing on the selling myself part in interviews has got me over the hurdle.

Rejection can be tough, because it makes you feel like you aren't good enough, people make judgements and that's the world we live in, but the problem is I can also delude myself into pre judging people and create stereotypes in my own head about what types of people get the promotion, get the girl, get the break in life, and easily beat myself up unnecessarily and have a pity party.

My past is full of years simply drinking my resentments and those feelings of rejection away, but that didn't seem to get me anywhere!!

My new approach is to accept the cards I've been dealt with, it didn't happen overnight but I'm getting there, we can't change rejection, that's out of our hands, we can only keep pushing forward, in the same way Sobriety happens 24hrs at a time, so does life itself, the decisions we make, the people we interact with, the judgements people may make about us, so be it, we can only do our best and what will be will be!!

Great topic Haennie!!
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Old 01-28-2015, 05:36 PM
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Great thoughts PK, really enjoyed reading your thoughtful response!

Haennie, you mentioned professional guilt and how hard it can be for you. In my case, the guilt and depression surrounding my career hit me so hard that it paved the route to full-blown alcoholism. The way I dealt with my feelings was to start pissing my life away on purpose. In the end, it was my inability to process/bypass guilt that almost killed me during my darkest days. Yeeps.

Your projects are probably being scrutinized because you are a huge piece of the puzzle. Your thoughts, ideas, and actions mean something to those folks. It's a rare thing, most people never get to feel that sense of being so essential. Sometimes that's hard - because everyone in your shoes is going to also get some constructive criticism along the way. Comes with the territory. And it sounds like you're processing it pretty well. Getting your feelings out there and talking about it is really helpful, even if it's just online or on paper.

It's easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself. Starting by forgiving yourself is a great idea, because in the end it doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong about how much effort you put into the project. I always felt that there were two people inside me, debating which type of terrible person I was. Was I a slacker? A dummy? Or a coward? As you can imagine, settling on one of these options wasn't particularly helpful. One cool thing about getting sober has been the ability to manage my depression with a rational mind, and I think your post shows that you're also able to process this type of stuff in a healthy way. Lots of positives!
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Old 01-29-2015, 06:53 AM
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Thanks everyone, for the great responses.

PK: what was a powerful share. I'm sorry that you had to go though all that but am glad that you found peace and your place after all.

BigS: yes it's good to be careful with the guilt, it's an emotion that can lead us to self-destructive thinking and behaviors for sure. By default, I'm a very self critical and guilt-prone person, and while this sometimes has positive consequences and leads to constructive change, it also has the potential to drive us to destructive coping mechanisms. The famous self-acceptance we talk about so often is definitely a challenge for me.

Yeah I am trying to react to all this as healthy as I can. A few years ago I would have never admitted and discussed things like this so openly and publicly. I definitely used to have a problem with overly guarding myself and showing vulnerability. Like Justin said above, hard to be rejected if we do not allow ourselves to be sensitive to it... In fact, depression was the experience in my life ~2 years ago that finally brought those walls down, simply because I had no choice.

I know that there will be a couple more aspects of my work that will suffer similarly longer than I would want it... but oh well, we need to deal with the consequences of our behavior. I'm fine with that, what bothers me more now is that other people, who got into my projects "innocently", are also affected by it. Again, I try to take this as an incentive to become a better person rather than let the guilt affect my enthusiasm and willingness to do things differently.

Thanks again for the encouragement. I think I overreacted a bit yesterday, simply because this is s soft spot for me due to the past, but I'm glad I posted about it here.
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Old 01-29-2015, 07:14 AM
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Many times in my life I have indeed felt like the guy wearing the black tuxedo but with brown shoes......

Our reasons for feeling rejected numerous, but the common thread among our "people" is we had these feelings.

Feeling comfortable in our own skin is foundational in our recovery. What a gift!
Nice Thread!!!
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Old 01-29-2015, 10:46 AM
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So long as you don't reject yourself. Your opinion of yourself should be the only opinion that matters. Hold yourself in the highest respect. I think you do, you've come pretty far in Sobriety. Rejection can't hurt you if you respect yourself.

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Old 01-29-2015, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by bunnezjp View Post
So long as you don't reject yourself. Your opinion of yourself should be the only opinion that matters. Hold yourself in the highest respect. I think you do, you've come pretty far in Sobriety. Rejection can't hurt you if you respect yourself.

Bunnez
This reminds me of interesting discussions we had here on the forums previously about guilt vs shame, and how they can differently relate to our addictions and recovery. I think what I'm so prone to feeling is guilt, which relates to our actions being wrong and not our whole self as a being wrong. Shame less so, which means that I do have a good base of self-esteem and -respect I guess, just somewhat damaged but my past behaviors.
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