i know where you are at. i am there. been there. and trying to find a way the hell out of there. lol
for me it works to say one prayer in the beginning of the day for him, then.. visualize and verbalize turning him over to god for the day. i pray a lot to god to also give me direction and clarification as to what i am supposed to be doing today.
its getting easier. i think we struggle so much with the fact we are completely powerless. if my exA wants to die. i have to let him choose to die. and i also have to respect that it is his choice. and his alone.
that whole concept messed me up for a long time. for us sober people, its hard to imagine someone not caring if they live or die. for them, well.. its a pain they carry so badly they have to hide in the bottle and drugs rather than face the pain that brought you to a therapist and these boards.
i think a lot about being thankful for the pain i am going thru right now. i am dealing with things as an adult. i am being kind to him and praying for him. i am respecting his choices and respecting myself and my kids by staying away from him.
its hard to see someone throwing away the most precious gift god ever gave us... life. but truly... we have no control, we cant cure it.. and we cant change it.
quietsins
ps... i walk a lot, helps free my mind for him and its great exercise too