Looking For Advise

Old 05-04-2005, 10:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Looking For Advise

I need some advise because I am beginning to feel like I am going crazy. My ABF and I broke up on New Years Day so it has been just over 4 months since we split - had some weird stuff the first month but by the second month it was all over no chance of getting back together - long story I won't bore you with the details. So I have had some really good periods and some really bad periods without him. I am at the point where I have accepted that we will never get back together - I don't want that lifestyle - I don't need to have all the problems that go along with our relationship. I cannot and will not raise my child in that environment. I feel that I am over him in the relationship sense - I think if I wanted to get back together with him there is a very good chance that we would but I would have to give in and accept what is no longer acceptable to me. All that being said for some reason I cannot stop thinking about him. I am almost consumed with thoughts of him. What he's doing, is he drunk, etc. I know he is going out drinking a lot more than he did when we were together and I'm pretty sure he is using drugs a lot more now. He's been missing work, behind on his bills just basically making a mess of his life. Why do I keep thinking about him?? I doubt that he thinks about me at all. I'm pretty sure he has moved on and is on party overdrive. I know he's going out with a group of friends on Friday to our favorite restaurant and his friend has lined up a date for him. Even that doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would (what bothers me is he is going to our favorite place with his friends - that was always a safe haven from his friends). I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am really getting back into doing things by and for myself again. I'm having fun hanging out with my friends on the weekends I don't have my son. My son and I are having so much fun together and he is happier now because he has mommy all to himself again - there is less stress because the ABF was always telling me my son is bad, disrespectful, I spoil him, etc. etc. so I am not on eggshells all the time like I was. I really am happier without him. I have thought about what I would do if he ever asked me to get back together and I know I could never never never do that again so why do I keep thinking about him. I think what makes me the most sad is knowing that I could never go back to him. Even though I love him he treated me really bad and lied so much so I don't think I could ever trust him again - that is sad.
I need help - how do I stop thinking about him. And yes I have tried counseling (I love it actually) I keep very busy constantatly on the go, surround myself with friends and family, but I still think about him and I am sad because of what could have been. Am I crazy??? Help!!!!!
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Old 05-04-2005, 02:36 PM
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quietsins's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
i know where you are at. i am there. been there. and trying to find a way the hell out of there. lol

for me it works to say one prayer in the beginning of the day for him, then.. visualize and verbalize turning him over to god for the day. i pray a lot to god to also give me direction and clarification as to what i am supposed to be doing today.

its getting easier. i think we struggle so much with the fact we are completely powerless. if my exA wants to die. i have to let him choose to die. and i also have to respect that it is his choice. and his alone.

that whole concept messed me up for a long time. for us sober people, its hard to imagine someone not caring if they live or die. for them, well.. its a pain they carry so badly they have to hide in the bottle and drugs rather than face the pain that brought you to a therapist and these boards.

i think a lot about being thankful for the pain i am going thru right now. i am dealing with things as an adult. i am being kind to him and praying for him. i am respecting his choices and respecting myself and my kids by staying away from him.

its hard to see someone throwing away the most precious gift god ever gave us... life. but truly... we have no control, we cant cure it.. and we cant change it.


ps... i walk a lot, helps free my mind for him and its great exercise too
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Old 05-04-2005, 04:55 PM
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Minx1969's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I think it is just a process of grieving..I went through that's been 8 months for me and though he occasionally crosses my mind (and he called last week..I didn't return his call..he already has a new girlfriend..why is he calling)..I have stopped obsessing and thinking about him. I'm not dating anyone new but finally getting to the point where I can imagine a life with someone else.

Like Quietsins, I pray for his recovery and then I just let it go..Journalling and exercise also helped me..AlAnon..keeping busy.

Occasionally I think about what it would be like to get back with him but it would be too painful..It would be one thing if he was sober and working a program..I might consider it..

It was not too long ago I felt like I would never be over him..He is always going to have a place in my heart and has the potential to still hurt me (that's why I didn't return his call..)

It does get better..take it from me..4 months from now you'll feel so much better..just respect the grieving's where you need to be right now.


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Old 05-04-2005, 05:47 PM
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sunshinebluesky's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i feel the same way basically about mine....and i do the same thing. maybe not as frequently as you anymore, but i still do. and i think i have done it after almost every break up in my life for quite awhile.
ive been wondering what i would do if he ever miraculously (not sure how thats spelled!) got into a program or even tried to quit. because i wonder if he was sober if he would stil be the same person with some of the same traits i find i cant handle. like would he still be an aggressive driver, complainer,etc.........well, im pretty sure i would be ecstatic that he was finally realizing what he is doing to himself, but i think i wouldnt even attempt a reconciliation until he was sober for at least six months, possibly longer......well anyway, dont want to go too far off subject. i think it is normal to have these good and bad times dealing with it. and it is really hard to stay strong and not want to go back when you are feeling lonely. some days i am sooooooooo happy i am single again, and think i want to stay single, and then others well........forget it!!! keep doing what you are doing, spending time with your child, friends, family etc....doing things for yourself and coming to the boards. hopefully all of us going thru the transition will stay strong about it, and not go back for the wrong reasons.
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Old 05-04-2005, 05:59 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I just realized I spelled "Advice" wrong!!!

I am staying strong I don't even get the urge to call him anymore - I did for awhile but recently I have had 3 legitimate reasons to call him (work related - his business is a client of my company) but I didn't. First I had no desire to talk to him, second I was half afraid of how he would be to me. I really just do not want hear about what a terrible person I am or any of the other BS he has to say about me. He is a pathological liar and I believe he has convinced himself that I really am a terrible person - plus it makes the drinking easier for him to make me the bad guy. It does still irritate me that for over 2 years I was so good to him and did so much for him but he can just forget all of that like it never happened and he can concentrate on the awful thing I did after we broke up - which really wasn't awful - his neighbor asked me if we were fighting when she noticed he moved back into his house and I told her we broke up and told her why (because of the drugs among other things) and his aunt called me and she was asking me a bunch of questions and while I didn't come right out and confirm the drug use I didn't deny ot either - so because of that it negates all the good things I did for 2 years - whatever - I'm getting off the subject here. Anyway I could have called him and I didn't - I called one of his partners and gave him the info. to relay. I feel that this is a huge step for me - a couple of months ago I would have jumped at any legitmate excuse to call him.
So yes I am staying strong in that category - I just wish I could put him out of my mind!!!!!
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Old 05-04-2005, 09:22 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im the same here... though it has been 6 months since the break up, it has only been a month since the last time we were together (starting seeing him again for a month) and the last time even though he is in AA and has been sober 6 months, he has not changed. Still is a pathological lier, still irresponsible, and still cant commit. I think what hurt me the most besides his affair is when after a month he tossed me aside because I could not understand like his "fellowship" did... and they replaced me. He would come home from work at 1:00 and instead of going to an early meeting, he would take a nap and leave when I got home, then stay at AA meetings from 6:00 to 9:00 or sometimes longer if he was hanging with his new friends. That last month he used his recover as the excuse... saying he was not ready for a relationship, break up but when he wanted sex he would come back around.... when I noticed the pattern (broke up with me 3 times in 4 weeks) I told him I was not comfortable having sex in an uncommited relationship... next thing you know he has not called me since.

OK Im rambling, but still I have good and bad days... I still greive and its hard for me to pray for him... but I dont want to talk to or see him again either.... tooooo painful, but it gets better and these boards keep me focused on why I will not call him or see him.
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