Jamie11

I am so, so, so incredibly sick of blacking out. I am still recovering from a night of drinking and trying to cope with my terrible mental state. I was drinking with friends last night and we decided to go to the bar around one in the morning where I remember the first few minutes, then the rest of the night is absolutely gone. No fragments of memory whatsoever and we were there for around two hours. I haven't asked anyone what happened because I can't cope with being told how mortifying I was acting, since every time I black out, I say and do godawful things and act like a downright lunatic. And I cannot tell you how many times I've felt like this. When am I going to learn? This humiliating feeling is excruciating!!! Nevermind the fact that I've been puking and feeling physically awful all day, this mental torture is so much worse - and yet, I willingly bring it on myself when it can easily be avoided! The consolation "it's mostly in your head, no one else is still thinking about what you did and judging you" doesn't help at all either. NOTHING helps!

I'm only a twenty-three-year-old female. I have been drinking since I was fifteen and have experienced blackouts since I was probably sixteen. I remember the first time it happened, I thought someone at the party had drugged my drink. I have always been able to hold my liquor and drink A LOT, even when I was younger. Puking is rare for me and therefore I end up overdoing it and black out frequently. Plus, I drink too much, too fast. I always say, "Tonight I'm going to pace myself." Ha. Never happens. Why?! Why can't I socially drink and catch a little buzz and not become completely obliterated, forgetting half the night?

One would think that after all I've been through when drinking, I would just not do it anymore. When I was seventeen, my friend and I started drinking chasing vodka at three in the afternoon. We drank the rest of the day, all night until around ten when I became verbally aggressive and downright awful in a blacked out rage. We were at a party and I forced my friend to take me to my car which was at her house. I drove with the intent of driving around a bit to sober up, then going home. Well I passed out at the wheel, blew through a stop sign - which crossed a highway! - and wrecked my mother's Mustang into a ditch. Another driver found me passed out at the wheel and covered in blood due to a broken nose. The only thing I remember was looking in the visor mirror and seeing my huge nose and laughing, saying, "Oh my god, that's embarrassing!" What the hell? Apparently when the police and EMTs came, I was being extremely verbally abusive to them and refusing to put a neckbrace on in order to be transported to the hospital. I took a breathalyzer on scene and somehow blew a zero. However, the hospital took a blood sample and my BAC was .27! I was a one-hundred pound, seventeen year old girl! I lost my license for three months and was also on probation for a year, which was pretty expensive. My mom's car was totaled and my only injury was the broken nose, which is a downright miracle. I easily could have been killed. What if a semi was passing just at the right time and annihilated me? I also could have killed someone else, which is even more terrifying! Did I learn then? Nope.

Some of my worse black outs have involved fights with my boyfriend, who I cannot believe continues to put up with me. My blacked out self often becomes verbally abusive to him for NO reason. I've said terrible, hurtful things to him so many times. I have hit him, kicked him, attempted to punch him with brass knuckles. None of it is ever instigated by him either. One time, I was blacked out at a club and it was closing down so he was trying to get me to leave. This apparently pissed me off and I got violent and even went up to a cop outside and tried to have my boyfriend arrested. The cop had to walk with us back to our hotel room a couple blocks away to make sure I was okay and was kind enough to not arrest me for public intoxication. I've said mean things to family and friends on occasion as well. Does hurting people I care for prevent me from drinking in excess? Nope! I have also missed out on some amazing times of my life because I was blacked out. This still doesn't stop me either! I've blacked out for large portions of concerts for some of my absolute favorite musicians, some of which I will probably never have the chance to see again.

I guess my reason for posting this was to let out my frustration and to ask - is it ever going to stop? Will I ever be able to be one of those people that can just get a little tipsy instead of entirely trashed, waking up the next day and feeling like crawling into a hole and never coming out? I don't want to stop drinking entirely. I want to be able to enjoy a beer with supper when I go out to eat. I want to have a couple drinks with my family during the holidays. But is that my only option, to give up drinking entirely? I just want to drink in moderation, for crying out loud, how is that so hard to do? I cannot keep blacking out! I can't wake up and wonder what happened anymore. I'm so done wondering if my boyfriend or friends are mad at me because of something I did. I'm done searching my phone to make sure I don't have any texts, calls, or social media posts that I don't remember. I'm done missing out on what are supposed to be fun times. Thank you to anyone that read my ramblings. I appreciate you all!