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Tired of blacking out.

Old 01-25-2015, 06:28 PM
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Tired of blacking out.

I am so, so, so incredibly sick of blacking out. I am still recovering from a night of drinking and trying to cope with my terrible mental state. I was drinking with friends last night and we decided to go to the bar around one in the morning where I remember the first few minutes, then the rest of the night is absolutely gone. No fragments of memory whatsoever and we were there for around two hours. I haven't asked anyone what happened because I can't cope with being told how mortifying I was acting, since every time I black out, I say and do godawful things and act like a downright lunatic. And I cannot tell you how many times I've felt like this. When am I going to learn? This humiliating feeling is excruciating!!! Nevermind the fact that I've been puking and feeling physically awful all day, this mental torture is so much worse - and yet, I willingly bring it on myself when it can easily be avoided! The consolation "it's mostly in your head, no one else is still thinking about what you did and judging you" doesn't help at all either. NOTHING helps!

I'm only a twenty-three-year-old female. I have been drinking since I was fifteen and have experienced blackouts since I was probably sixteen. I remember the first time it happened, I thought someone at the party had drugged my drink. I have always been able to hold my liquor and drink A LOT, even when I was younger. Puking is rare for me and therefore I end up overdoing it and black out frequently. Plus, I drink too much, too fast. I always say, "Tonight I'm going to pace myself." Ha. Never happens. Why?! Why can't I socially drink and catch a little buzz and not become completely obliterated, forgetting half the night?

One would think that after all I've been through when drinking, I would just not do it anymore. When I was seventeen, my friend and I started drinking chasing vodka at three in the afternoon. We drank the rest of the day, all night until around ten when I became verbally aggressive and downright awful in a blacked out rage. We were at a party and I forced my friend to take me to my car which was at her house. I drove with the intent of driving around a bit to sober up, then going home. Well I passed out at the wheel, blew through a stop sign - which crossed a highway! - and wrecked my mother's Mustang into a ditch. Another driver found me passed out at the wheel and covered in blood due to a broken nose. The only thing I remember was looking in the visor mirror and seeing my huge nose and laughing, saying, "Oh my god, that's embarrassing!" What the hell? Apparently when the police and EMTs came, I was being extremely verbally abusive to them and refusing to put a neckbrace on in order to be transported to the hospital. I took a breathalyzer on scene and somehow blew a zero. However, the hospital took a blood sample and my BAC was .27! I was a one-hundred pound, seventeen year old girl! I lost my license for three months and was also on probation for a year, which was pretty expensive. My mom's car was totaled and my only injury was the broken nose, which is a downright miracle. I easily could have been killed. What if a semi was passing just at the right time and annihilated me? I also could have killed someone else, which is even more terrifying! Did I learn then? Nope.

Some of my worse black outs have involved fights with my boyfriend, who I cannot believe continues to put up with me. My blacked out self often becomes verbally abusive to him for NO reason. I've said terrible, hurtful things to him so many times. I have hit him, kicked him, attempted to punch him with brass knuckles. None of it is ever instigated by him either. One time, I was blacked out at a club and it was closing down so he was trying to get me to leave. This apparently pissed me off and I got violent and even went up to a cop outside and tried to have my boyfriend arrested. The cop had to walk with us back to our hotel room a couple blocks away to make sure I was okay and was kind enough to not arrest me for public intoxication. I've said mean things to family and friends on occasion as well. Does hurting people I care for prevent me from drinking in excess? Nope! I have also missed out on some amazing times of my life because I was blacked out. This still doesn't stop me either! I've blacked out for large portions of concerts for some of my absolute favorite musicians, some of which I will probably never have the chance to see again.

I guess my reason for posting this was to let out my frustration and to ask - is it ever going to stop? Will I ever be able to be one of those people that can just get a little tipsy instead of entirely trashed, waking up the next day and feeling like crawling into a hole and never coming out? I don't want to stop drinking entirely. I want to be able to enjoy a beer with supper when I go out to eat. I want to have a couple drinks with my family during the holidays. But is that my only option, to give up drinking entirely? I just want to drink in moderation, for crying out loud, how is that so hard to do? I cannot keep blacking out! I can't wake up and wonder what happened anymore. I'm so done wondering if my boyfriend or friends are mad at me because of something I did. I'm done searching my phone to make sure I don't have any texts, calls, or social media posts that I don't remember. I'm done missing out on what are supposed to be fun times. Thank you to anyone that read my ramblings. I appreciate you all!
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:37 PM
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My experience was the problems that developed during my early twenties never went away. They only got worse over the years. Will you ever be able to drink without constant trouble ? Maybe

Only time will tell.
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:40 PM
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Hi Jamie,
My experience, all I can speak of, is that I'm an alcoholic. My drinking progressed over the decades. I blacked out, said vile horrible things to my husband , and then had no clue in the morning. This was at THE END...though it probably dragged on for waaay to long.
IDK why for certain, but I had a moment of 'clarity' , my entire being just shut down ...NO MORE! I went To get help with detoxing and then into a women's rehab.
I totally accept I'm an alcoholic ...no moderation ( tried that for what seems a lifetime) As one, I am not content with even a bottle of wine! My goal each night,at the end,was to drink till I passed out. Period. Fun? Party? LONG GONE. AA is my sober home, as is the family I found here on SR. I come every night . Why don't you stick around too?
Your life can get better.
Bobbi
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:52 PM
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Hi Jamie!

I got tired of blacking out, too. I got so tired of it that I decided to stop risking any more blackout-damage and quit drinking. That was 51 days ago and my only regret is that I didn't quit sooner! I love waking up in the morning with no regrets, no anxiety over what I did the night before, no panic over how to go about doing damage control.

You deserve a life free of those regrets too, Jamie.
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:59 PM
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Hi Jamie - welcome

My experience is something you probably don't want to hear but I believe once you start blacking out when drinking, there's no way back from that.

God knows I tried.

The good news is your life doesn't end if you were to quit drinking. There's lots of us here, all kinds of people, all ages.

There will be changes, and it will be a little difficult initially but really no harder than trying to avoid the consequences of drinking and blackouts.

I love my life now and I love who I am I could never say that when I was drinking.

D
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:26 PM
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H Jamie, and welcome! I hate to point out the obvious, but you do know you will stop blacking out when you stop doing things that make you black out, right? You can't give one good reason to black out, can you? Sure it is what we all have done before, but damn if that makes it ok to continue.

If you stop, you WILL figure out a new life and ways to spend your time. If you don't stop, it only gets worse from here.

This is a great place to figure things out, we have all been either where you are at, or a damn sight close to it.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:57 PM
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Wow, thank you for all of the quick responses, everyone. It's always nice to know that I'm not alone. Reading others' posts has already helped me feel better and a little more accepting of the idea of abstaining from alcohol completely. I really question whether any of this is worth it. Is it worth feeling the anxiety, crippling embarrassment, and extreme regret? Is it worth being hung over, vomiting stomach bile and not moving off the couch for the entirety of a day? That has been my situation today when I should have been doing productive, enjoyable things with my time, not wasting it by feeling ill and sorry for myself. I think I am stepping closer to changing my ways.
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Old 01-25-2015, 08:06 PM
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I can answer your questions Jamie... NO! It is not worth it. Give me one good reason how it is worth it!

"I got drunk as hell last night, was having fun, wish I remembered it lol, it was fun" ----- what?!? this is where I came from, not knowing what fun is. I have fun now that I stopped getting drunk, I was in the moment, and I remember it. Best of all I didn't have to nurse myself afterword.

Fun is fun, but if it takes a couple of days to recover from it, laying on the couch not doing anything, well that isn't fun at all. A couple of days lost for one night of "fun". It gets worse from there. Much worse.

Wait until you take a day or two off from work to recover from the "fun"
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Old 01-25-2015, 08:10 PM
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well long and interesting story. yea driving you moms car, lucky you did not kill any one, you would be doing prison time for something you have no memory of.
i would say you can never touch alcohol again. i learned that i went sober for almost 2 years and tried to have a drink or two, yea it started as that then went back to the way i was. so forget it. your an alcoholic just admit it and say it.
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Old 01-25-2015, 08:43 PM
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is it ever going to stop? Will I ever be able to be one of those people that can just get a little tipsy instead of entirely trashed,
Probably not. If you're at all like me, you can't have just one or two. We aren't wired the same as most people. We can't drink just a little, it's all or nothing.

There is a way it can stop. If you put the bottle down for good and never touch it again. I can guarantee you it won't happen again if you don't drink again. And living sober isn't boring as many believe.

Welcome to the family!
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Old 01-25-2015, 08:55 PM
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Glad your here Jamie....after much experimentation, a good go at moderation, I've come to understand the only way for me to avoid black outs & all the embarassment, shame, self loathing that comes with it, is to not drink. I know its tough, but so very, very worth it.

This is a wonderful place for support, inspiration & encouragement....you are not alone & among friends
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Old 01-25-2015, 08:58 PM
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Hi Jamie, welcome to SR.

I attempted everything so I could drink normally over the years but it didn't work.

Eventually after many many blackouts, regrets and cringing embarrassments, loss of days hungover, I stopped.
So I decided, I don't want to be that person anymore, that isn't the true me, I'm ok when I don't drink too much.

I stopped. It was a struggle to begin with, heck, I'd pumped enough booze in me to sink a ship over the years, it would take time for my body and mind to adjust.
I found this forum on my journey and held on to it for all the help it gave me.

Be well .
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Old 01-25-2015, 09:21 PM
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Hi Jamie,

I agree with everything said above. Please don't waste decades of your life or risk total disaster before getting around to to quitting. Even in the unlikely event you mellow with age and stop getting wasted every time you drink, you will still be dominated by this evil addiction which will weaken you physically and mentally and cause you to greatly underachieve in life. I had a near death OD experience at 23 and I still didn't quit until 20 years later. Don't waste a big chunk of your life like I did. And from what you are saying, it sounds like things could get worse over time.

But the good news is that by simply retraining your thinking and giving up one class of beverage you could eliminate most of the problems in your life and return to total health. Go for it now! Please don't wait until your body is broken and your mind is scarred.
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Old 01-25-2015, 10:01 PM
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Hi Jamie,

Your post was so familiar to me, I used to be a version of that. The blacking out and the hangovers were so familiar but dreadful to me. Many, many major and minor events in my life were endured, rather than savored because of drinking and hangovers. I couldn't even imagine quitting though and you are lucky to at least be considering the option.

I did finally quit when I was 46, 11-1-11 (I swear that date was weird chance, not numerology), and I haven't looked back. Even after over three years I still take a deep breath and give thanks that I don't have a hangover every morning. I still get tickled when I can remember every second of the night before. I used to be a very good drunk driver but it still scared me and I'm glad to be sober all the time now. I don't even smoke any pot now. I'm straight like a ruler and I don't get bored at all.

I started being wasted all the time when I was eighteen and that's when my development got arrested, better than being "stuck" at fifteen I suppose but still it's been interesting to start growing again and becoming comfortable in my adult life. I'm lucky to be a self employed artist so being kooky is more or less expected. I'm still the life of any party.

You certainly have a lot to think about, Jamie, but try not to approach this with dread. It's truly a good thing and there are agonizing moments but nothing compared to the horrible dread and hangover feelings that you are experiencing. Life is a beautiful and fleeting thing!

You'll feel better tomorrow. Why not stay that way?

Gaffo
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Old 01-25-2015, 10:50 PM
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Welcome nice to meet you Jamie
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Old 01-25-2015, 11:30 PM
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Hi,

I feel your pain, I'm a blackout drinker, it started sometimes, then more, now every time. My behaviour got worse too.
I wanted to moderate but I know I cant.
Best wishes xoxo
Take care out there.
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Old 01-26-2015, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Jamie11 View Post
But is that my only option, to give up drinking entirely? I just want to drink in moderation, for crying out loud, how is that so hard to do?
Here is my experience with moderation, Jamie:

Only drinking at weekends
Not drinking at weekends
Only drinking every other day
Only drinking 4 days a week
Only drinking 3 days a week
Not drinking before 6pm
Not drinking before 3pm
Not drinking before noon
Not drinking before 10am
Not drinking at home
Only drinking at home
Not drinking on my own
Not drinking and driving (usually not driving therefore!)
Not drinking during January
Not drinking for a week
Not drinking for a month
Not drinking for 3 months (twice!)
Only drinking in restaurants
Not drinking beer
Not drinking wine
Not drinking spirits
Not mixing my drinks

and the list goes on...the only one that has worked is...

Not drinking any
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:11 AM
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OK so your tired of blacking out.
If you dont drink to excess, you wont black out.
Perhaps try to not drink. Yeah you know that.
But how do you do it?

That is why the majority of you guys and gals are here.
I am sober, been sober for a very long time. I have recovered.
I rarely obsess over alcohol. Its been removed for me.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:49 AM
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Thank you for sharing, I've been trying to drink in moderation but it never works. If felt wonderful to wake up today and not wonder what happened or feel sick not being able to function. I want to hope that I can control the drinking but taking a chance isn't it worth it anymore. I read someone's post about you could of ended up in prison. It's true and I know one day I could blackout again and attempt to drive. I rather stop then chance it trying to drink just a little to hangout with my friends. Trust me I know exactly how you feel my story literally sounds just like yours. Started drinking at 15 the blackouts followed. Could drink and drink but never threw up but acted like a complete idiot. Would wake up and quickly try to figure out exactly what happened and the shame was horrible. I'm 35 now and I haven't learned how to socially drink. I had an incident just last weekend but I will really try not to drink anymore. I'm a binge drinker on the weekend but at this point I could drink everyday the emotional pain would just as bad whether it was one day or five. That's how I use to try and convince myself I wasn't an alcoholic.
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Old 01-26-2015, 06:59 AM
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Hi Jamie,

I see a lot of myself in you. I, too, started drinking (heavily) at a young age. For me, it resulted in my equating fun and happiness with alcohol. I had the same visceral reaction to the thought of complete abstinence. Like you, I knew in my early twenties that there was a problem. I trudged through life in a drug and alcohol induced haze for nearly a decade before I did something about it.

I'm now 31 and sober for about 7 months. It was difficult to make the decision to quit altogether. I desperately wanted to hold onto that beer at dinner and those few drinks with family at the holidays. It took me a while to realize that that was just not possible.

When I read your story, it fills me with hope that perhaps you could change things now, for the better. At 23, you have so much ahead of you. Life is so much brighter without the clouds of anxiety, regret, and physical illness that come with alcohol abuse.

These could be your best years, Jaime. Live them with your eyes wide open.

- LITT

Last edited by lostinthetrees; 01-26-2015 at 07:00 AM. Reason: Oops, misspelled name...
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