Ok- wow- this hit home for me and brought back some memories that I would rather not revisit.
Here's the deal. I came to SR because I didn't know where else to go. I was doing therapy but that was about it at the time.
Honey, you have come to RIGHT place! I'm ALWAYS on this site. I draw SOOO much strength from the people here. If ANYONE asked me if the advice I received here was worth taking into consideration- the answer would be ABSOLULTELY!
They told me over and over that I was being abused, both physically and emotionally. It took quite a while for me to really admit that they were right.
Abuse will take your breath away. I was ashamed of who I was and what I was allowing to be done to me. Guess what? NOT YOUR FAULT! NOT MY FAULT!! I know you don't believe me when I say that right now, because I didn't believe it either. I was in denial and turning all the anger and hurt on MYSELF.
If you look, I haven't even been on SR for a year yet, but I've been going to alanon, going to therapy, and I have SR. I feel SOOOOO much better.
Honey, you don't deserve this treatment and you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY. He would abuse ANY woman he was with. That is one of the statements that REALLY helped me detach. It's not about you. It's about THEM. THEY can't STAND themselves. But THAT, my dear, is NOT your problem. You can't make him love himself OR you. Sad, very sad, but very true.
Best thing for you to do, is keep coming here!! Best thing for you to do after that is join a support group and start focusing on YOU. YOUR reactions to his behavior, YOUR feelings and thoughts, YOUR OWN behavior, you get the picture.
It sounds like you need a safety plan too. It was the FIRST thing that LexiCat recommended to me when I first started coming here. It kind of pissed me off at first, but I realized later on that she was right.
That's one of the beautiful things about SR. 98% of the advice I got was dead on...and the other 2% was me talking. And when I DIDN'T listen..and things went exactly the way they told me it would, I never got an " I told you so". I just was welcomed with love and support.
Hugs to you. You deserve better. I know that doesn't mean much right now, but I WAS YOU. I know the shame and embarrassment you are feeling.
Tight tight hugs