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Old 01-24-2015, 11:58 PM
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New here

Seems like there are a lot of good people here. I could really use some advice. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or that my life is horrible, because it's not. I've just ran out of ways to cope and try to understand the situation I've put myself in....I've been married for a little over a year. I love my husband very much. While we were dating, he was an over the road trucker. He was gone a lot, but we would talk all the time. I fell in love. We decided to go on the truck together for 6 months. I figured, if I could live in that close of space with him for that long, he must be "the one". It was amazing, traveling coast to coast, we really got to know each other...or so I thought. On our wedding night, we went to an after party. We both were drunk, but he got abusive. Calling me horrible names and shoving me off of the bed. On our wedding night. I don't think I've ever forgiven him for that. He apologized of course, and things were really great for a few months. Then another episode, we were at a festival and he was drinking all day. He got upset because I called him out being drunk, and he poured his beer all over me in front of a crowd of people, shoving his middle finger in my face, he again called me horrible names. I was so heart broken. The next morning, he of course apologized and swore it would never happen again. He got sober for 2 months. Then it happened again and I had to call the police bc he sexually assaulted me. Again with the apologies. This was about 4 months ago, he's been sober since. But when I came home from work tonight he was drunk. Sloppy, falling over drunk. I tried to ignore him but he took offense to that and started fighting. I locked myself in the spare room. He broke the door down to "apologize". I had to leave, so now I'm at my parents house, upset and embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I want to believe he will get better, that he will never treat me like that again. If he loved me he would stop. The worst pat of it is, I have been so naive, I've been making plans to spend the rest of my life with him, hoping and praying things will get better. Next month we close on our new house. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed and scared to say anything to anyone else so that's why I'm writing here. Sorry it's so long. I needed to rant....
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Old 01-25-2015, 12:10 AM
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Bright Side - First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Thank God you are safe.

Sorry to say it but this one is not even close. You need to cut your losses and get away. I am concerned for your safety. Your husband may be a fine loving person when sober but he is very sick with the disease and violently abusive and you are in great danger if you go back. Are you really willing to live like this forever? And please don't blame yourself - this is not your fault. You deserve better than this and better days will follow if you get out now.
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Old 01-25-2015, 12:17 AM
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Thank you for your concern. I am also scared. But I don't want to leave him, I don't think that I can. I am too ashamed and embarrassed that I jumped into this marriage and its only been a little over a year. I want to give him a chance to get better, I want him to be the loving man I know he can be. I'm so lost and heart broken but I don't want to leave him. I'm afraid that I will be alone forever.
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Old 01-25-2015, 12:43 AM
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Love can't make them stop drinking. If it could, this site wouldn't be here. You are in love with his potential, but you need to see who he is right now. This is who he is likely to always be. You can't save him. You can't fix him. He is abusive, and that's pretty likely to be something far beyond just alcohol. I'm worried for your safety. Please know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This isn't a Hollywood movie where he suddenly realizes how amazing she is and they live happily ever after. This is reality, which is far grittier and where she usually ends up hurt pretty bad.

Please don't go back. Do you have the number to the Domestic Violence hotline?
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Old 01-25-2015, 04:32 AM
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I would not close on the house at this time even if you lose the deposit.

He has already been physically abusive and alcoholism is progressive.

You cannot control his drinking, but you can protect yourself from physical
and verbal abuse.

A little shame is better than ending up dead or in the hospital.
I know that sounds harsh, but it is unfortunately the reality of the situation.
He was able to cover his binge drinking when he was on the road without you,
so you haven't anything to be ashamed about anyway.
He is the one who should be ashamed.
You didn't know about this part of him when you got married.

Please educate yourself on both alcoholism and abuse. There are many stickys
at the top of the page. You can't love him well, as much as you want to.
You've already seen he cannot quit with promises. Moving back with him
right now would be very unsafe for you right now. Further financial entaglement
is really out of the question while he is an active alcoholic. Quitting for a couple
of months is still active binging in my book, and I should know since I used to be
a binge alcoholic. He isn't seeking to address the underlying issues nor is he seeking treatment.

Hugs and I'm sorry for what brings you here but you are very welcome.
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Old 01-25-2015, 05:13 AM
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Good morning,

Welcome to SR. I am glad you posted. This man clearly knows he has an abusive side of him that rises when he drinks;yet, he drank on your wedding night. And then he has shown you that indeed this sort of behavior is repetitive in his personality. It will continue and the abuse cycle will get shorter.

I saw you wrote Co Springs for your area. Here is a link to several DV numbers in that area. Please reach out. Just to say hi and talk to someone who will understand and help you work through this.

Emergency and Counseling Hotline Telephone Numbers

Also read read read and learn more about abuse. This image really helped me see how I was being ,manipulated. I'm concerned he will isolate you in that house and then control money to make you feel stuck...

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercon...lnoshading.pdf

let us know how you are doing Bright!
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Old 01-25-2015, 05:25 AM
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I was a volunteer at the safe house when Colorado Springs opened its very first shelter (that was almost 40 years ago!). The Springs has GREAT resources for DV. Please know that you can also report the sexual violence you experienced.

I've worked in the DV field for many years (retired DV prosecutor), and you are in a very dangerous situation. I know you feel embarrassed and ashamed--most people do, when they first disclose what's happening in their relationship. But it is in no way your fault.

If you close on that house with him, you are adding one more financial complication that ties you to him. You don't have to get a divorce unless/until you're ready, but don't make your situation worse than it already is by making it more difficult for you to leave him if you have to (and that time might be sooner than you think). And please don't even CONSIDER starting a family unless he becomes sober and addresses his abusive behavior. The alcoholism and abuse are separate issues. He may only "act out" when he's drinking, but most alcoholics are NOT physically abusive. The fact that he behaves this way when he's drinking means that on some level he feels "entitled" to act that way toward you. And simply getting sober will not change that. The only abusers who tend to change are those who are HIGHLY MOTIVATED to change, and who undergo treatment to address those underlying issues.

Please take action to protect your safety. And as far as being "alone for the rest of your life," that is unlikely to be the case, but even if it were, it would be better than living in terror of the next incident where he gets drunk and beats you up, rapes you, or worse.
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Old 01-25-2015, 05:31 AM
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First of all, put the shame and embarrassment away for multiple reasons - 1) They are not useful emotions, they accomplish nothing for you and 2) you have nothing to be ashamed of. By keeping it a secret, you are giving it power over you.

Please do not close on a house next month. It will greatly complicate things and cloud your decision-making.

If you go back right now, understand that there will be a honeymoon period. He will be sweet, attentive, etc. But the cycle is already there and it will continue. These outbursts are not going to end.

You mention that you went to your parents house after he broke down the door. Have you talked to your parents about what's going on? You might be surprised how much weight it takes off your shoulders if you can share what you are going through.
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:22 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this but please don't feel ashamed/embarrassed. NONE of this is your fault. Not one single iota of it.
The ladies are right though, getting this house is only going to make it much much more difficult for you to leave. This guy is clearly showing you a pattern, the physical, verbal and sexual abuse...he isn't going to to just stop. It doesn't work like that. This is going to get much worse before it has the chance to ever get better.
You need to start taking steps to ensure your safety. I'd consider asking your parents if you could stay awhile? Do they know? do you have a support system in place?
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by BrightSide4Life View Post
I don't know what to do. I want to believe he will get better, that he will never treat me like that again. If he loved me he would stop. ....
This isn't about you. It's about his alcoholism and abusive traits. Loving you isn't going to stop him, unfortunately.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:22 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support. It means the world to me. I know I am in a very difficult situation. I know what I should do, but it's hard. Really hard. I want to talk with him today before I make any rash decisions...any advice on what I should say to him?
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:28 AM
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Brightside....I don't think that talking to him is a good idea. I fear that it is going to make your situation even worse.
I would just act somewhat "lowkey" while you are making plans to exit this situation with safety.

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Old 01-25-2015, 07:30 AM
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Ok- wow- this hit home for me and brought back some memories that I would rather not revisit.

Here's the deal. I came to SR because I didn't know where else to go. I was doing therapy but that was about it at the time.

Honey, you have come to RIGHT place! I'm ALWAYS on this site. I draw SOOO much strength from the people here. If ANYONE asked me if the advice I received here was worth taking into consideration- the answer would be ABSOLULTELY!

They told me over and over that I was being abused, both physically and emotionally. It took quite a while for me to really admit that they were right.

Abuse will take your breath away. I was ashamed of who I was and what I was allowing to be done to me. Guess what? NOT YOUR FAULT! NOT MY FAULT!! I know you don't believe me when I say that right now, because I didn't believe it either. I was in denial and turning all the anger and hurt on MYSELF.

If you look, I haven't even been on SR for a year yet, but I've been going to alanon, going to therapy, and I have SR. I feel SOOOOO much better.

Honey, you don't deserve this treatment and you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY. He would abuse ANY woman he was with. That is one of the statements that REALLY helped me detach. It's not about you. It's about THEM. THEY can't STAND themselves. But THAT, my dear, is NOT your problem. You can't make him love himself OR you. Sad, very sad, but very true.


Best thing for you to do, is keep coming here!! Best thing for you to do after that is join a support group and start focusing on YOU. YOUR reactions to his behavior, YOUR feelings and thoughts, YOUR OWN behavior, you get the picture.

It sounds like you need a safety plan too. It was the FIRST thing that LexiCat recommended to me when I first started coming here. It kind of pissed me off at first, but I realized later on that she was right.

That's one of the beautiful things about SR. 98% of the advice I got was dead on...and the other 2% was me talking. And when I DIDN'T listen..and things went exactly the way they told me it would, I never got an " I told you so". I just was welcomed with love and support.

Hugs to you. You deserve better. I know that doesn't mean much right now, but I WAS YOU. I know the shame and embarrassment you are feeling.

Tight tight hugs
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:31 AM
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I can't just leave. I can't. I love him too much. I know that sounds horrible, but I really do. I need to talk to him but I don't know what to say.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:36 AM
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I don't think talking to him is going to help.

I tried to talk to my abuser and it got me NOWHERE. It only left me more empty and broken. I would just silently start taking care of you. No announcement, no explanation.

And he does sound dangerous. Please get things together so that you can leave QUICKLY if you must. I know that sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie, but lets face it, we LIVE a lifetime movie EVERYDAY with these people. We walk on eggshells, we have to account for EVERYTHING we do, we are isolated, we are sad and hurt, we are rejected by people that hurt us anyway...it's a very demeaning cycle that they have put us on.

And if you think that they don't know what they are doing, you are dead wrong. Mine actually admitted that he WAS abusive and knew exactly what he was doing. They know...believe me they know. And they will do anything to keep you low and feeling bad about yourself. They make you question yourself constantly, doubt your instincts, hate what you've become, blame yourself for THEIR behavior...ugh....makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:38 AM
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You don't have to leave him, but you need to plan for it in an emergency.

And you should start focusing on YOU. I'm telling you girlie...this is the only way to freedom.

Remember, I WAS YOU. I AM YOU. I'm you still. I'm struggling. I'm not ready to leave my situation either...but even if you stay, you can still find peace. But safety first. Just have a plan, please.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:40 AM
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I'm thinking "talking" to him may just open a can of worms that has the potential to explode in a bad way, given his temper.
This guy poured beer on you, in front of other people! with no remorse. While that may not seem like the most horrible thing, it's a massive sign of disrespect. I remember my ex once spit in my face, at a huge event here in my city. I remember being so shocked. I almost wished he had slapped me. It was so demeaning.
I feel awful that you are dealing with this and hope you decide to stay at your parents and not go through with this house purchase.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:41 AM
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BrightSide....it doesn't matter if you think that you "love" him. that doesn't stop him from sexually and physically assaulting you.

Yes you CAN leave him. You just don't want to because you are afraid of the future.
But, you will be o.k....and, there are lots of people to help you. You just have to put out your hand.

You should know that if he thinks you are leaving...the assaults will begin to escalate.

YOU HAVE OPTIONS. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

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Old 01-25-2015, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by freetosmile View Post
And if you think that they don't know what they are doing, you are dead wrong. Mine actually admitted that he WAS abusive and knew exactly what he was doing. They know...believe me they know. And they will do anything to keep you low and feeling bad about yourself. They make you question yourself constantly, doubt your instincts, hate what you've become, blame yourself for THEIR behavior...ugh....makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
Bang.ON.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:44 AM
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I know you're right. But I'm not in the right mindset to just leave. I know I should, but to be honest, I probably won't. I know it's his fault, I also know he has tried to change. He went to therapy for a while for his anger issues, but the therapist told him he didn't have a problem, so he stopped going. He was good for a long time, it seems like. I feel if I just leave, I will be giving up. And I don't want to give up. If I were to talk to him, what should I say?
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