HI Smilax, and welcome to SR. That's quite a painful situation you've described.
I was in a pickle too at one point, similar to yours. I came to realize I needed to have a picture of how I wanted things to be for me, and then I needed to make a plan and work it to make that stuff happen. I listed the roadblocks in front of me, and then found a way to remove those roadblocks. For a few of these things, I needed help, medical help, psychiatric help, but I had had enough of the way things were going. Things needed to change, and I was going to make that happen.
What is your vision? Maybe that is a place to start. You are intelligent, no doubt of that, so you already have part of what you need to achieve that vision. What else?