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On the edge of becoming an alcoholic. On the edge of deciding to throw my life away..



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On the edge of becoming an alcoholic. On the edge of deciding to throw my life away..

Old 01-22-2015, 02:48 PM
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On the edge of becoming an alcoholic. On the edge of deciding to throw my life away..

I've suffered from depression and serious social anxiety most of my life, that is my main diagnosis and the core of my problem. Along with this I've long had an enmeshed and codependent relationship with my parents. I'm 32, have never had any friends, never dated, never had a girl friend, rarely ever socialize. I dropped out of university 5 or 6 times due to being emotionally overwhelmed. Most people who meet me usually comment on how intelligent I am and indeed I've always excelled academically when I could hack it, which was usually only for short periods. I used to dream of becoming a physicist, mathematician, or other research scientist and I had the grades and smarts for it. But that all seems like a distant dream now.

I have worked retail jobs off and on over the past 10 years, often with breakdowns in between. I've had short periods of problems with alcohol over the past 5 or 6 years, usually lasting a few months at most, but I was able to pull myself out of it each time. Usually I would hit the bottle after some kind of breakdown and major negative life event like quitting a job. I've quit a number of jobs and burned a lot of bridges just because I couldn't handle things emotionally, I'm an emotional wreck of a man to be honest, and this is without alcohol. I've been on medication and seen therapists in the past with little success, the meds did little but flatten me out and remove my motivation, the therapy was usually lacklustre or actively made me worse.

As I mentioned I have a codependent relationship with my parents and they enable me like you would not believe. They do so out of love and worry but it has seriously messed me up over the years. I've been allowed to live off them at home with no job or school for years at a time up to just recently, remember I'm 32. In my effort to leave the nest and distance myself from them my mother recently bought me the apartment I'm now living in. So as you can see even in my effort to leave them they enable me. I have a very low rent to pay as a result.

I was working a retail sales job, at a local Video Game store, over the Christmas break that was going well. However I knew that my hours would likely be cut back after the holidays and they were. I was cut back to just 8 hours a week which was barely enough to pay the small rent I have from my parents, I had to then lean on them for food and everything else. Now of course they are MORE than willing to let me lean on them but I didn't want to. I started to desperately look for work handing out my resume willy nilly for all kinds of positions I knew I wasn't suited for. I also started to drink occasionally, a holdover from Christmas, due to the stress and depression. All thought hours alone didn't help. Within 2 weeks I had a job as a gas station attendant at a local chevron station. I knew I would hate the job but took it with a smile anyway. I took a herculean effort to work myself up to going the first day due to my social anxiety in new situations. The first day technically went ok, I knew I could do the technical side of the job. However I was already an emotional mess day to day at this point, and the depressing atmosphere of the station made me much worse and I felt EXTREMELY alienated from the staff and customers. I came home and broke down a bit. I sent and email off to the boss and resigned. Thing is I had already sent in my 2 weeks notice at my OTHER job that I was looking to leave so I may now have lost both jobs, lol, waiting to hear.

I am a complete mess right now and fighting not to drink. I know it can only make things worse. But a large part of me doesn't care, a large part of me is semi suicidal (not in terms of ending things right now but in terms of not giving a **** and actively self harming). A large part of me WANTS to throw my life away. It's just too difficult, too much anxiety, too much depression. I know I'm a man child and this is a childish reaction. I know the solution is tough love. Although honestly thinking about that simply magnifies my disgust for myself and urge to drink.

I'm sorry for the huge rant, I need to vent somewhere. As for recommendations for attending AA meetings or to turn to God etc, I thank those who would like to suggest those but I'm a strong atheist who is not going to change his stripes on that matter. This doesn't mean I'm not open to something like rational recovery or some other form of meeting. However right now I'm just too much of a mess to think of anything. :-(
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Old 01-22-2015, 02:58 PM
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HI Smilax, and welcome to SR. That's quite a painful situation you've described.

I was in a pickle too at one point, similar to yours. I came to realize I needed to have a picture of how I wanted things to be for me, and then I needed to make a plan and work it to make that stuff happen. I listed the roadblocks in front of me, and then found a way to remove those roadblocks. For a few of these things, I needed help, medical help, psychiatric help, but I had had enough of the way things were going. Things needed to change, and I was going to make that happen.

What is your vision? Maybe that is a place to start. You are intelligent, no doubt of that, so you already have part of what you need to achieve that vision. What else?
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:01 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Smilax!!

SR is a great resource for support and advice from many people that alcohol has affected.

The good news is there are also many people that have come through it and wrote a new happier chapter to their lives, you can to, it's great to have you onboard!!
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:03 PM
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Welcome Smilax nice to meet you sorry your going through this

Have you spoke to a Dr about help

Try this for cravings & urges http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:10 PM
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Hey Smilax,

Everyone respects each other's personal beliefs here, and support is unconditional. So say what you need to say man.

If you want to become a researcher, mathmetician, or physicist, it's never too late to pursue your dreams. 32 is just a number that places you in a demographic. It does not define what you are allowed to do with your life.

Just start setting small incremental goals and decide what action to take. We're behind you all the way.

Keep your head up brother
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:00 PM
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Please pardon my short message for now Smilex. I Just want to let you know that I hope you find that you discover some really cool info, advice & support from here.

I have only been here a few days & It has already made such a positively amazing impact on my life.

Hopefully speak very soon maybe.

I hope that this post finds you well Kidda!
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:14 PM
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Welcome Smilax. I'm glad you wanted to tell your story here. I hope it helps with your anxiety to talk things over with people who care.
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:19 PM
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Some great ideas here already so I'll just say welcome Smilax

I really believe it's never too late for a fresh start or to be the person you want to be.
The road may not be wasy but it's far from impassible too.

I think a fundamental component of moving forward will be to focus on not self medicating with alcohol any more. It causes many more problems than it solves.

D
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:46 PM
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I see a phsychiatrist & a phsycologist who help me with my anxiety & depression.You are so young I hope you can get rid of the thought of harming yourself.
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Old 01-22-2015, 10:29 PM
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Thanks for the support guys.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:27 AM
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I bought a bottle of wine today fully intending to drink it when I got home. The last few days have been the worst depression and stress I've had in a long time and I've kind of given up on life in some fundamental ways. I opened it but paused fighting with myself for many minutes. Eventually I quickly grabbed it and poured it down the drain. This certainly doesn't mean I won't cave tomorrow, especially if I get bad news again. But I suppose it's one small victory for now. Because of my depression and anxiety I don't exactly feel much better about it though :-(

Thanks again for the kind words everyone.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:48 AM
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I'm glad you poured it away Smilax, and that you found your way here. Today will be a better day for you because of both of those decisions
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:55 AM
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Smilax, welcome! I'm sorry that things have been so tough lately. I hope you realize that pouring that wine out was indeed a huge victory! Give yourself a pat on the back. Don't think about whether you might drink tomorrow... Focus on today. And everyday, remember, is one day at a time. Trying to think of "not drinking forever" or "never drinking again" creates anxiety for me but when I consider that it really is one day at a time, things seem more manageable.
So glad you're here, keep posting!
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Old 01-23-2015, 04:24 AM
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Sobriety is progressive too. You exercised a muscle pouring it out. Next time maybe you will not buy it and save some cash and anguish. Sooner than later you will have the ability to laugh at the AV.
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Old 01-23-2015, 04:24 AM
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Welcome, Smilax! You've found a great place to get support and just hang out.

What are you doing to fill your days now? Most of us do better with some structure and activity. Alcohol fuels depression and anxiety, and at least for me, so does a long day with nothing to do. There's lots to read here. How about trying another therapist and developing a plan? Giving up the drink is the first step. Next is taking some action.

So glad you're here!
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Old 01-23-2015, 06:50 AM
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What about starting with a two-year research technician program at a community college? Many programs have online courses, so you don't have the social anxiety. You need to get out of retail.
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Old 01-23-2015, 07:51 AM
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You need a plan, man. Maybe view it like these get-out-of-debt snowball plans. Pay off the small debt first, then take that extra money and apply it to larger debt. Rinse and repeat. Start with small life victories and gather momentum. Find a field that fits your personality, and implement the small steps, day by day to achieve that. Community college might be a logical place to start.
Three suggestions. 1. Stop drinking. If there's one universal truth, it's that drinking makes problems worse. 2. Stop kicking your ass about being too old to move ahead. Ridiculously untrue. I didn't visit SR and stop drinking till I was 38 years old, and that was 6 years ago. Plenty of other people address problems with alcohol at a much older age. Be thankful you recognize that alcohol is a problem at age 32. You've got a very full life ahead of you. 3. Be willing to accept your parents' help without this self-induced guilt trip while you launch your plan. Put your career plan together and share with them. Explain that being self-sufficient is important to you, and though you might need their assistance in the short term (and you thoroughly appreciate it), in 6, 12, or 18 months you fully intend to be on your own.
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:05 AM
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Welcome! I agree you need a plan. I am of the same feeling about religion as you so I didn't do AA I got counciling and it's helping however if I had to go to AA just to start gaining traction I would have vs. giving up take care
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Old 01-24-2015, 02:11 AM
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Welcome Smilax.

I had social anxiety for a long time but it presented as defensiveness rather than internal angst, enabling me to at least function. Still walked out of many jobs though.

Wish I'd given up at your age, but I'm now 52.

I think posting on here is huge step for you, and I'm glad that you reached out.

If you stop drinking, things will become clearer after a while.

Drink only magnifies anxiety, and makes everything worse.

Good to have you with us.
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Old 01-24-2015, 04:42 AM
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I'd like to echo Dee's comments. It is never too late to follow your dreams.

You are only 32. For many of us, life is only just beginning at that point. Though the societal norm would hint otherwise.... what we must do is lay aside our comparisons to others or to the benchmarks of expectation we've come to believe exist and ask simply; what is MY dream? What is MY vision?

Then hold that vision firmly and follow it.

I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're putting your effort into resisting alcohol as the solution; for it is not. To me it sounds as if you could really use the support of a qualified counselor to begin helping you deal with your anxiety and self-esteem. I also think that AA might be a wonderful place for you. It might take some open-mindedness and it might take you being willing to give it a good, honest shot. Your description of yourself suggests you may see AA as being "not for you" because you may not see alcohol as being the central issue for you. But - from personal and direct experience with many of the same sort of feelings you are sharing, I can tell you that the program of AA is a tremendous tool in addressing those and shifting our perspective.

In any case, I hope that you are able to build yourself a plan and a system of support sufficient to give you strength to move forward. Life is abundant and wonderful - with opportunity for ALL of us. YOU CAN MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

You are clearly intelligent, capable, and caring about your self at least enough to recognize these issues and reach out for answers and help. That is enough to begin with.... if you can just nurture that with a little faith and action, every day, you will be astounded at what you will turn your life into.

Welcome.
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