Eddiebuckle

Leharris,

AA's first step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

For a very long time, I was able to convince myself that I did not have a problem drinking. I considered the way I drank a lifestyle choice, probably more than I should but otherwise harmless. Drinking was how I dealt with life's hardships and celebrations, it was how I socialized, how I wound down each day. It was a part of my identity.

Giving up alcohol required that I face and challenge all those stories I made up about myself and alcohol. And it required that I pay attention to the anxious feelings when I was faced with a situation that would put me in harms way. I couldn't go down the bread aisle in the grocery store for months... because that's where they stocked the beer. I stopped playing golf with the same group of guys, because inevitably everyone drank. I even took a break from seeing family for the first 9 months or so - everyone in my family drinks, not as much as I did, but every gathering had alcohol, and I couldn't deal with it.

These are all symptoms of powerlessness. I could acknowledge them to myself, but it was hard to change all those things: what would people think? In retrospect, most people didn't notice or didn't make any fuss at all. But if I didn't change those things, I doubt I would have stayed sober. My sobriety wasn't strong enough to withstand certain situations. Now, there are very few places I cannot go if I have good reason to be there.

I think most people in early sobriety know when they are skating on thin ice - our instincts associated with alcohol and drinking are pretty strong. Recognize the feelings when you have them, and pay attention to them: they are your warning signs. Give yourself permission to be "rude" - and leave when you are uncomfortable. Those people worthy of your time will not mind, those who are offended are not worth worrying about.

This is ultimately a life or death situation for you. Yes, it's "only a glass of wine" but if you are anything like me, I never only had one. And one nights drinking ultimately led to the next. This is how addiction works, inexorably leading us to cross every line we ever told ourselves we would never cross.

It took me a very long time to get to the point of accepting this truth about me and my drinking. The lies that kept me trapped in addiction were primarily the ones I told myself. Sobriety is about facing and owning those lies, and having the courage to be "rude" when necessary. After all, it's not just a glass of wine we are talking about... it's our life.