Butterfly

I never accepted my ex A was an alcoholic, knew he had issues with drink and trouble controlling it but never considered he was an A. I think that is why I was so shocked when he began to admit how much he struggled with it and when he said he left so he could drink when he wanted. I didnt believe him!! I thought he would come home as he always did and we would patch things up as we always did and we would continue to live in a world of deniel and crisis.

I have told myself many times that I wanted to beleive everything he told me and promised me but its not that I wanted to I did! every time he binged or disappeared or put his friends/drink before me and the kids I beleived him when he said I never want to lose you, I love you, please help me, I will do anything, dont leave me, I would end up drinking every night if I didnt have you!! I kept thinking every single time, it will be different this time, he will follow through, he loves me, he doesnt want to lose me and every time he didnt follow through I was left thinking how could he do this after everything he said!!!! the cycle would continue.

I believed him becasue he said he loved me, I needed to hear the words I thought saying it was enough love would conquer all, i was a hopeless romantic. I also beleived that I could help him, if I left he would turn into a complete alcoholic. its only now that I see I couldnt and by trying to control his drinking and him who he went out with, trying to make him feel guilty about what he was putting us through, trying to force him into quitting for me, for the kids was never going to work.

The time I asked him to leave and we eventually got back together I think part of me took him back because I could see how his drinking had escalated and he had started using drugs thanks to meeting old friends. I thought he needed me to help him pick up the pieces and I felt responsible. I think this is when I began to think it was my fault I was unhappy, I was boring, no fun, he went out drinking with his old friends but never with me, it must be me, so I need him back to make me happy. I always wondered why he never went out with me for a drink and I always raised this as an issue even though i hated being around him when he was drunk I believed he didnt want to go out with me. Again my fault even though I hated being around him drunk, he was an angry take on the world type of drunk sometimes depending on who he was with. Other times he could be loving.

He came home and we agreed that he could drink in the house, I could control how much he drank then as he knew I was anxious around him drinking so maybe he wouldnt drink as much. After all he loved me and he wanted to be with me, right??

even when he laft the last time I still believed he loved me and wanted his future to be with me and he was trying to sort out his drinking, even though his actions showed me differently! I believed he was struggling with drink but love would conquer all, He always came home he loved me right??

I never thought he would file for divorce after all he always told me he never wanted his life to be without me how he couldnt imagine being without me! I believed he would come home and we would work everything out, he would reassure me I was loved and wanted and he would apologise and promise never to leave again and to get hielp with his drinking and I would believe him and I would feel safe and secure again!! This is what I do know I never felt safe and secure with him, I was always waiting for the next episode of binging, I enabled him, softening teh consequences of his actions by intially being angry but then looking after him and reassuring him everything would be ok, i tried to control him and his drinking, I screamed, shouted, cried and manipulated all to try and get him to stop drinking, i was obsessive!! When he left I pushed and pushed for answers that I could accept. For me I want to be able to drink when I want wasnt something I understood, becasue he loved me and wanted to be with me how could he want to drink more, he wasnt an alcoholic right?? there had to be more, it had to be becasue of me, my depression, my obsessive thoughts all me right??

WRONG, i was so wrong about everything and heres the thing I still believe he is in love with me and wants to be with me despite the divorce, all I can think about is our conversation the day before he told me he wanted a divorce as it was the best for me the only way I could move on, how he was in love with me wanted his future to be with me how he would always love me, how he had lost everything, the love of his life, his best friend, this is what I hold onto and hope that he meant. Part of not wanting to fight the divorce was because if it turns nasty and he ends up having to give me money from his pension then there will never be any hope of us getting back together if he got sober!!

I know feeeling and thinking all this is wrong but I dont know how to accept and move on.

sorry for the long post and apologies if it doesnt make much sense I just needed to get it all out of my head and feel that I had been heard.

thank you for reading