time to start being honest with myself

Old 01-19-2015, 03:41 AM
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time to start being honest with myself

I never accepted my ex A was an alcoholic, knew he had issues with drink and trouble controlling it but never considered he was an A. I think that is why I was so shocked when he began to admit how much he struggled with it and when he said he left so he could drink when he wanted. I didnt believe him!! I thought he would come home as he always did and we would patch things up as we always did and we would continue to live in a world of deniel and crisis.

I have told myself many times that I wanted to beleive everything he told me and promised me but its not that I wanted to I did! every time he binged or disappeared or put his friends/drink before me and the kids I beleived him when he said I never want to lose you, I love you, please help me, I will do anything, dont leave me, I would end up drinking every night if I didnt have you!! I kept thinking every single time, it will be different this time, he will follow through, he loves me, he doesnt want to lose me and every time he didnt follow through I was left thinking how could he do this after everything he said!!!! the cycle would continue.

I believed him becasue he said he loved me, I needed to hear the words I thought saying it was enough love would conquer all, i was a hopeless romantic. I also beleived that I could help him, if I left he would turn into a complete alcoholic. its only now that I see I couldnt and by trying to control his drinking and him who he went out with, trying to make him feel guilty about what he was putting us through, trying to force him into quitting for me, for the kids was never going to work.

The time I asked him to leave and we eventually got back together I think part of me took him back because I could see how his drinking had escalated and he had started using drugs thanks to meeting old friends. I thought he needed me to help him pick up the pieces and I felt responsible. I think this is when I began to think it was my fault I was unhappy, I was boring, no fun, he went out drinking with his old friends but never with me, it must be me, so I need him back to make me happy. I always wondered why he never went out with me for a drink and I always raised this as an issue even though i hated being around him when he was drunk I believed he didnt want to go out with me. Again my fault even though I hated being around him drunk, he was an angry take on the world type of drunk sometimes depending on who he was with. Other times he could be loving.

He came home and we agreed that he could drink in the house, I could control how much he drank then as he knew I was anxious around him drinking so maybe he wouldnt drink as much. After all he loved me and he wanted to be with me, right??

even when he laft the last time I still believed he loved me and wanted his future to be with me and he was trying to sort out his drinking, even though his actions showed me differently! I believed he was struggling with drink but love would conquer all, He always came home he loved me right??

I never thought he would file for divorce after all he always told me he never wanted his life to be without me how he couldnt imagine being without me! I believed he would come home and we would work everything out, he would reassure me I was loved and wanted and he would apologise and promise never to leave again and to get hielp with his drinking and I would believe him and I would feel safe and secure again!! This is what I do know I never felt safe and secure with him, I was always waiting for the next episode of binging, I enabled him, softening teh consequences of his actions by intially being angry but then looking after him and reassuring him everything would be ok, i tried to control him and his drinking, I screamed, shouted, cried and manipulated all to try and get him to stop drinking, i was obsessive!! When he left I pushed and pushed for answers that I could accept. For me I want to be able to drink when I want wasnt something I understood, becasue he loved me and wanted to be with me how could he want to drink more, he wasnt an alcoholic right?? there had to be more, it had to be becasue of me, my depression, my obsessive thoughts all me right??

WRONG, i was so wrong about everything and heres the thing I still believe he is in love with me and wants to be with me despite the divorce, all I can think about is our conversation the day before he told me he wanted a divorce as it was the best for me the only way I could move on, how he was in love with me wanted his future to be with me how he would always love me, how he had lost everything, the love of his life, his best friend, this is what I hold onto and hope that he meant. Part of not wanting to fight the divorce was because if it turns nasty and he ends up having to give me money from his pension then there will never be any hope of us getting back together if he got sober!!

I know feeeling and thinking all this is wrong but I dont know how to accept and move on.

sorry for the long post and apologies if it doesnt make much sense I just needed to get it all out of my head and feel that I had been heard.

thank you for reading
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Old 01-19-2015, 04:03 AM
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Butterfly, your signature line is a better reply than anything I could say.

Basing your life on unfounded hope (that he will get sober) and fear (that it won't be with you) is only going to keep you on the crazy train.

Wishing you the strength and clarity to make the decision to get off.
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Old 01-19-2015, 04:33 AM
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That was a good vent.

Just keep moving forward.

Don't sit in the crap, stinking it up like a baby in a full diaper.

Co-dependency is coming along behind you, so just stay out in front.

Find some new friends, hobbies etc.

Just get started on a new life and find your way along the way.

It's done, move on.
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Old 01-19-2015, 05:29 AM
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I know you feel stuck, Butterfly, but honest to goodness this post itself is proof that you are doing it. Right now. Getting all this out in the open IS part of the process of acceptance. I know it feels awful, but when you are going through something (as opposed to around/avoiding), pain is gonna come out. Better out than in, I always say.

This is what recovery looks like. And what it feels like, unfortunately. It really does get better. I am very proud of you.
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Old 01-19-2015, 05:33 AM
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It is great you are finally facing and letting out the pain and hopes you have been carrying for so long.
Healing will come when the truth is finally there and accepted, hard as it is.

The therapy you are getting really seems to be helping.
That and you are facing things, and "doing the work" as someone said in an earlier post.

I'm also glad the real reason you have been not asking for a fair settlement is finally on the the table Butterfly--I hope you do let the lawyers handle this and get that fair settlement.

In your last post you said you had no money for a holiday as all would be spent on your car, yet your AH had money, has money and took a holiday.
These are things you worked for too in your marriage and you are entitled to them. Please let the system do its work.

Also, my mother "trusted" my father to do what's right and help me with my college. (she had to kick him out for his alcoholism as well)
Guess what--he remarried and didn't contribute a dollar. I had to take loans and work full time throughout college to be able to go.
Now I'm a slave to paying back those loans my father could have helped me with so easily but didn't choose to.
He only paid what the court said (child support) for as long as they said to--until I was 18 and that was it.

Protect your son's future and get college support legally obligated if you can.
Sorry to be so practical when you are in pain, but believe me, suffering is much better
in the end if we have some breathing room financially and are treated fairly by the alcoholic even if it is by legal order.

Hugs and keep letting it out.
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Old 01-19-2015, 05:45 AM
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(((butterfly)))

I totally ditto about your signature line! I'm so happy to read you putting your thoughts together like this, I hope you feel a bit purged? Maybe next you can work on your own Declaration of Independence? ( I always think of ShootingStar1's journey when I hear that phrase! Were you around when she first split with her AH? EPIC journey, one to read. Her growth is astounding!)

I brought this up in your last thread but didn't get back to it to respond (sorry!) -*I* think you gotta get outside of this situation, break this routine. I think you said that right now you aren't doing much for yourself in the way of new things or old, loved hobbies, right?

Why not try? Your kids are independent, your AH is moving on - why not take this time when you are miserable & open up for something new? Community classes, volunteering, resurrecting an old hobby that you've let fall to the wayside? I think once you get on a different path in your daily/weekly life you'll rediscover yourself & all the great things about you that you've been neglecting. You'll find parts of you that you never knew existed & realize you are worth so much more than all of this grief. Start today, with small stupid stuff. Take a different route to work. Stop at a different coffee shop for your morning cup. Pick up a local publication that lists events & classes going on in your area & see what's out there.

You didn't choose your screen name & avatar by accident, spread your wings Butterfly!
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Old 01-19-2015, 05:53 AM
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Butterfly, this post from ShootingStar contains at least some of the info that FireSprite is referring to. It's an inspiring, awesome read, and I hope you find help in it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html

This is another thread I really love:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
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Old 01-19-2015, 06:01 AM
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Thank you Honey!

This part:
Now I am alone. And I must face who I am, what I choose, what I do, and who I want to become without the buffer of someone else deflecting my true reflection away from me. It is an honest although lonely and difficult place to be. I am coming to believe it is the place of salvation.
gives me chills every single time I've read it. It was EXACTLY like that for me, like I not only HAD awareness all of a sudden, but finally understood the true definition of awareness as well, in order to see how dim my perspective had been before. (if that makes sense?)
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Old 01-19-2015, 06:55 AM
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I know you think this is another one of those times in the back of your mind, but it is not. So you don't have a choice. You will move forward. Sure it's hard. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS.

I agree, your own signature says it all.

Tight hugs, we love you!
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Old 01-19-2015, 07:20 AM
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I too wish that my AXH would wake up and realize what he lost with the divorce. But he hasn't. That's what this f'n disease does to them. I am so sorry!!

An a posted this to me and it helps....

Until you can move forward, you will be imprisoned by your past.

(((((((((hugs Butterfly))))))))))))))))))
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Old 01-19-2015, 12:47 PM
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Thank you everyone for your replies, I didn't think my post made any sense to me never mind any one else. I have had these thoughts running round my head for a while but I can't make sense of them or what I do now to move towards acceptance and stop believing what I so want to believe.

Hawkeye, I will fight for financial support for DS should he decide to go to university.
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