Originally Posted by
Fate2012 
Yes, I am going to file for divorce after I get my tax return. So much damage has happened and there is no way I could ever trust that man again. I thought he was a good person but he is a very sick individual. My family members never saw what I saw in him.
Besides, he does not want to work things out...he still blames me for most everything. He has alot of anger inside. I don't think he can love anyone right now until he can begin to love himself.
It's hard not to think about him and the good times but there were more bad times b/c of his poor decision making/choices.
I feel bad for our young kids b/c they deserve so much more. My AH's father was a deadbeat dad and I just hope that for the children's sake he can clean up and be in their lives in a positive way one day. B/c now I believe I am going to file for sole custody until I see some improvement in him.
**Prayers Please**
I wish there was a way for you to avoid the pain that you've been experiencing, and I wish there was a way to avoid the pain that you're about to experience. But the cold truth is there isn't. Even if drugs weren't in the picture, going through a divorce is a traumatic event. Add kids to the mix, and it's even worse.
What I would encourage you to do going forward is no longer personalize his past behavior, current behavior, or future behavior. Addicts do what they do because they're addicts. As you noted, he's a "sick individual"; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually sick. By no longer personalizing it, you simplify things for yourself. He is what he is, and he'd do what he's doing to anyone. When you find yourself going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure why he's done what he's done, the answer is he's an addict.
Done.
And then from there, your recovery will be the sum of all the things you do, big and small, to take care of yourself and your children. You're about to go through hell. So be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Do things that nurture what Neil Peart of Rush has referred to as "your little baby soul". Make sure you eat well, hydrate, and exercise. Make sure you set small, manageable goals for yourself every day. Treat yourself every so often to things you may not ordinarily treat yourself to. If going to Al Anon/Nar Anon helps you in any way, do that, too. You're likely to meet people who've been where you are. Listen very carefully to what they have to say.
Before you know it, the sum of all the big and small things you do start to add up. And you'll notice that while you're not what you'd call happy, you're holding your own and doing OK.
Hope this helps.