Why is it so hard to move on

Old 01-15-2015, 11:33 AM
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Why is it so hard to move on

My AH and I are separated. I believe he is dating someone in NA (a big loser who lost custody of her children).
Until he finds a job and can pay for daycare, he comes over every morning to take care of our young children and leaves after I return from work. We seldom talk and if we do it's only about the boys. Except for yesterday he called me a liar and self-centered which I thought describes him perfectly and not myself. I hate seeing him every weekday but I don't have the funds to pay for daycare by myself.
I have noticed that the few times he is nice towards me is b/c he is going and doing something and lying about it.
I'm not sure if he is using however he is looking at a lot of porn sites and real low class dating/hooking up sites so that could be one of his new things.
Even after ALL of this, I am so hurt and it just consumes me. Deep down, I know I deserve better but I just can't seem to get over my AH.
Since we have young kids I don't have time to do a lot of things for myself but I do journal and that helps.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Just want to be happy again.
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Old 01-15-2015, 11:38 AM
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That would be a very hard situation, to be exposed to him each day like that.

I would keep contact as quick and non engaged as possible. And while it is hard to do, stop digging into what he is doing. It will only hurt one person, you.

Tight hugs. I hope the situation changes soon. Keep journaling. And keep coming back to SR, we understand!
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Old 01-15-2015, 11:45 AM
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Even after ALL of this, I am so hurt and it just consumes me. Deep down, I know I deserve better but I just can't seem to get over my AH. Since we have young kids I don't have time to do a lot of things for myself but I do journal and that helps.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Just want to be happy again.
Well, I think what's important at this moment is to not fight what you're feeling and accept it as what you're feeling in the moment. Going through a separation is difficult even without drugs in the picture. But drugs are in the picture, and because they are, you can't really personalize what he's doing.

If you hang around here long enough, you'll read plenty of horror stories from women whose husbands have gone off the rails with drugs and then shacked up with another woman who is also an addict. The details may vary from person to person, but two common traits all of these men share are chemically induced narcissism and a complete, utter lack of self awareness. Hence, the words of your AH when he attacked you (calling you a liar and self centered).

Do you plan on dissolving the marriage?
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Old 01-15-2015, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Fate2012 View Post
I'm not sure if he is using however he is looking at a lot of porn sites and real low class dating/hooking up sites so that could be one of his new things.
I have to ask, how do you know this?

If you are looking at history, then try to stop doing this.

It makes his problem, your problem.

I used to look at his call logs. It felt like if I knew who he was calling it would give me more information and I would feel better, I would have some sense of control. I didn't and I did not feel better.

It was my new years resolution, the only one I made, to stop looking. Two weeks now and I have not looked and I feel better. It was not my business.
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Old 01-15-2015, 01:39 PM
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Yes, I am going to file for divorce after I get my tax return. So much damage has happened and there is no way I could ever trust that man again. I thought he was a good person but he is a very sick individual. My family members never saw what I saw in him.
Besides, he does not want to work things out...he still blames me for most everything. He has alot of anger inside. I don't think he can love anyone right now until he can begin to love himself.
It's hard not to think about him and the good times but there were more bad times b/c of his poor decision making/choices.
I feel bad for our young kids b/c they deserve so much more. My AH's father was a deadbeat dad and I just hope that for the children's sake he can clean up and be in their lives in a positive way one day. B/c now I believe I am going to file for sole custody until I see some improvement in him.
**Prayers Please**
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Old 01-15-2015, 01:58 PM
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Will respond when I get home. Hang tight.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Fate2012 View Post
Yes, I am going to file for divorce after I get my tax return. So much damage has happened and there is no way I could ever trust that man again. I thought he was a good person but he is a very sick individual. My family members never saw what I saw in him.
Besides, he does not want to work things out...he still blames me for most everything. He has alot of anger inside. I don't think he can love anyone right now until he can begin to love himself.
It's hard not to think about him and the good times but there were more bad times b/c of his poor decision making/choices.
I feel bad for our young kids b/c they deserve so much more. My AH's father was a deadbeat dad and I just hope that for the children's sake he can clean up and be in their lives in a positive way one day. B/c now I believe I am going to file for sole custody until I see some improvement in him.
**Prayers Please**
I wish there was a way for you to avoid the pain that you've been experiencing, and I wish there was a way to avoid the pain that you're about to experience. But the cold truth is there isn't. Even if drugs weren't in the picture, going through a divorce is a traumatic event. Add kids to the mix, and it's even worse.

What I would encourage you to do going forward is no longer personalize his past behavior, current behavior, or future behavior. Addicts do what they do because they're addicts. As you noted, he's a "sick individual"; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually sick. By no longer personalizing it, you simplify things for yourself. He is what he is, and he'd do what he's doing to anyone. When you find yourself going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure why he's done what he's done, the answer is he's an addict. Done.

And then from there, your recovery will be the sum of all the things you do, big and small, to take care of yourself and your children. You're about to go through hell. So be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Do things that nurture what Neil Peart of Rush has referred to as "your little baby soul". Make sure you eat well, hydrate, and exercise. Make sure you set small, manageable goals for yourself every day. Treat yourself every so often to things you may not ordinarily treat yourself to. If going to Al Anon/Nar Anon helps you in any way, do that, too. You're likely to meet people who've been where you are. Listen very carefully to what they have to say.

Before you know it, the sum of all the big and small things you do start to add up. And you'll notice that while you're not what you'd call happy, you're holding your own and doing OK.

Hope this helps.
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Old 01-17-2015, 06:18 PM
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Fate2012 I know exactly what you are going through. My situation is very similar with the exception that I don't physically see him everyday as I'm abroad right now (he moved his girlfriend into our apartment so I'm living at my parents till I can afford to move out). I do have to deal with him via video calls when he calls our daughter weekly. I can imagine how unbearingly difficult it must be for you. I have gone no contact for the past month and although it doesn't take away the frustration it has been a game changer for me. I'm just cordial when he calls our daughter, answer any questions regarding her well being and that's it. I don't give way for any other subject or type of conversation. It was very hard at the beginning but once you start seeing the good effects it does get easier. Divorce is a nightmare, and with an addict... Well just add to that. I'm going through the same decisions right now and it feels like it never ends. Just make sure that if you are going to go through with it to do it as soon as you are able to. Dragging it on as I did just made things worse for my case.

Just make your conversations as minimal as possible and if he tries to engage in anything else just say you do not wish to speak about it now, and leave it there. If you must text for arrangements just keep it simple and business like.

My two cents.

Keep coming back, I haven't been here too long but people in this forum have already helped me tremendously!
Hugs!
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