Originally Posted by lawrie

Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me, and my story. I really need help understanding this. I'm overwhelmed with confusion, anxiety, etc...

I've been dating my BF for 1.5 years. When we met, I knew he had a past with drugs. He was open about it. Said he'd been off drugs for 2 years. He worked/works a full time job, same one now for 2 years. So I really thought he was serious and stable about recovery or I wouldn't have gotten involved.

The beginning 6 months (initial stages of lust), were wonderful. He then reconnected with all his old friends from the past via getting a smart phone, facebook, etc.. (bad Idea I thought at the time) Then he spazzed out on me. etc... He said he was broken, and couldn't love me until he fixed himself. That something changed when he got around his "old buddies". I told him no pressure. That if he thought he could never love me just be upfront, that I was still in the process of getting to know him. There was no need for pressure for something more. He returned to being wonderful. Then a few months later, he distanced himself from me. He then reinvented himself. Started hanging out with a different crowd, getting lots of tattoos, drinking a lot, had lots of vacation time off work. Flip flopping from ideas of "white picket fence family" to "being alone in a junkie old home with a motorcycle".

I honestly thought he had NPD. He has about every symptom of the disorder. I was crushed, etc.. and he kept me in high states of anxiety with this disappearing acts, flip flopping, etc... Trying to look for a glimmer of hope that he had empathy. I kept hanging on without pressuring him for anything.

A couple of months ago, he injured himself on the job. He had over a month off. During this time he kept changing his pictures on facebook from houses of white picket fences, to sad and lonely structures. During this time, he came back onto me strong. Then he started missing dates again. I had a bad feeling when he stood me up on Christmas. He was adding very provocative women onto his facebook, etc not from our area. I looked on a dating website and find a profile that he was looking for "nothing serious".

I wrote him a message saying I thought it was best if we didn't see each other when he lots of time off anymore. (I just couldn't take it anymore). He didn't contact me for 3 days. Then he contacted me in this mode "I'm a failure" "I'll never get better" "I self destruct anything good in my life" "I should have died along time ago" "I thought I had control over this" "when do I stop" "anytime I set plans for myself, I lack control or don't follow through". He came to my house and tried to make everything up to me. The next day, after he left, he deleted the online profile (I never acted like I knew, so he did it on his own terms).

He did tell me that he couldn't love me the way he wanted to, because he didn't have any self love. (I understand that) He also told me that he was an addict, and he had been smoking too much, drinking too much, and possibly even doing some drugs. Then he said that when you're an addict that all you do is look for your next high... even when it's not a drug. That he had been using "new people" for a high. He cried and said he wanted to be with me. He cried as he opened up about a lot of things.

Now that days have gone by, there is a new *fake* profile on that site that I believe is him. It says he is just looking to chat only.


I honestly thought he had no interest in me sometimes, but the few times Is he using new people to get high? Do drug addicts have the characteristics of a narcissist? Am I keeping him from progressing in his recovery? He relapsed didn't he?
I've said something about breaking up.. he spazzes completely out.

I really don't know if he has NPD or this is just part of the drug addiction. I know you can't diagnose him etc.. I just wonder if this is typical behaviour. I know he has to help himself. I've told him that I can't fix him, he must do that himself and for himself, not for me or anyone else.