I need help understanding

Old 01-09-2015, 04:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 18
I need help understanding

Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me, and my story. I really need help understanding this. I'm overwhelmed with confusion, anxiety, etc...

I've been dating my BF for 1.5 years. When we met, I knew he had a past with drugs. He was open about it. Said he'd been off drugs for 2 years. He worked/works a full time job, same one now for 2 years. So I really thought he was serious and stable about recovery or I wouldn't have gotten involved.

The beginning 6 months (initial stages of lust), were wonderful. He then reconnected with all his old friends from the past via getting a smart phone, facebook, etc.. (bad Idea I thought at the time) Then he spazzed out on me. etc... He said he was broken, and couldn't love me until he fixed himself. That something changed when he got around his "old buddies". I told him no pressure. That if he thought he could never love me just be upfront, that I was still in the process of getting to know him. There was no need for pressure for something more. He returned to being wonderful. Then a few months later, he distanced himself from me. He then reinvented himself. Started hanging out with a different crowd, getting lots of tattoos, drinking a lot, had lots of vacation time off work. Flip flopping from ideas of "white picket fence family" to "being alone in a junkie old home with a motorcycle".

I honestly thought he had NPD. He has about every symptom of the disorder. I was crushed, etc.. and he kept me in high states of anxiety with this disappearing acts, flip flopping, etc... Trying to look for a glimmer of hope that he had empathy. I kept hanging on without pressuring him for anything.

A couple of months ago, he injured himself on the job. He had over a month off. During this time he kept changing his pictures on facebook from houses of white picket fences, to sad and lonely structures. During this time, he came back onto me strong. Then he started missing dates again. I had a bad feeling when he stood me up on Christmas. He was adding very provocative women onto his facebook, etc not from our area. I looked on a dating website and find a profile that he was looking for "nothing serious".

I wrote him a message saying I thought it was best if we didn't see each other when he lots of time off anymore. (I just couldn't take it anymore). He didn't contact me for 3 days. Then he contacted me in this mode "I'm a failure" "I'll never get better" "I self destruct anything good in my life" "I should have died along time ago" "I thought I had control over this" "when do I stop" "anytime I set plans for myself, I lack control or don't follow through". He came to my house and tried to make everything up to me. The next day, after he left, he deleted the online profile (I never acted like I knew, so he did it on his own terms).

He did tell me that he couldn't love me the way he wanted to, because he didn't have any self love. (I understand that) He also told me that he was an addict, and he had been smoking too much, drinking too much, and possibly even doing some drugs. Then he said that when you're an addict that all you do is look for your next high... even when it's not a drug. That he had been using "new people" for a high. He cried and said he wanted to be with me. He cried as he opened up about a lot of things.

Now that days have gone by, there is a new *fake* profile on that site that I believe is him. It says he is just looking to chat only.

Is he using new people to get high? Do drug addicts have the characteristics of a narcissist? Am I keeping him from progressing in his recovery? He relapsed didn't he?

I honestly thought he had no interest in me sometimes, but the few times I've said something about breaking up.. he spazzes completely out.

I really don't know if he has NPD or this is just part of the drug addiction. I know you can't diagnose him etc.. I just wonder if this is typical behaviour. I know he has to help himself. I've told him that I can't fix him, he must do that himself and for himself, not for me or anyone else.
lawrie is offline  
Old 01-09-2015, 04:40 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Lawrie, I too have been in relationships where I just couldn't understand what was motivating the other person, what they really wanted, etc. I eventually realized that I was making myself crazy trying to understand the motivations of someone who didn't even know what they wanted for themselves. I discovered that the only thing I could really figure out for myself was what I wanted and what I was willing to put up with. So that's a question you might want to consider here: is this relationship meeting your needs? How do you feel about dating an addict? Is that a thing you're comfortable with?
jjj111 is offline  
Old 01-09-2015, 06:46 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lawrie,

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry about what's brought you here, and I understand why you would be confused. Given this is a Friday night, things are a bit slow here, but others will be by to greet you in due course. In the meantime, I've got a couple things I'd like to share.

I would caution you to not diagnose him with any sort of character disorder like NPD. While I can understand you looking for some explanation as to why he's doing what he's doing, only mental health professionals are qualified to diagnose someone with that sort of illness. Just because we read the DSM, for example, doesn't mean we can make a qualified diagnosis.

With that being said, it's clear to me that he's sick. Someone in the throes of active addiction will behave narcissistically and without conscience. They will also swing the other way ("I'm a failure", "I'll never get better", etc) when they're looking for someone to feel sorry for them.

The good news is that you're aware that the "honeymoon" stage is over, and you've got quite a bit of information on him now. My guess is you're not confused about any of this. You may not know what to call what you're seeing, but you know something's wrong. And you're right. The question is what do you believe is in your best interests going forward. Not what you want, but what's in your best interests.

Want to know what I think?

When he says he can't love you the way he should, I would take him at his word. Because he's right. As long as he's poisoning himself, he's incapable of being a committed, responsible romantic partner. You wish him well, you keep him in your heart, and you detach from him and begin the healing process. Otherwise, he'll take you down with him.

Don't just take my word for it, though. Read as many posts as you can. We've had countless new members like yourself find our little corner of SR in similar situations. And I think what they've all learned, to one degree or another, is loving someone is not a life sentence. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

Anyways, this is probably a lot for you to absorb. Be kind to yourself, and be patient with yourself. You're amongst friends, and if you allow us to, we'll see you through this.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-12-2015, 03:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 18
I appreciate the help and support everyone. I wish this was a boat I was alone in, but as you probably know, it's also comforting to know that other people can relate to how you feel. I know this relationship has become more and more toxic, and it's best that I just call it quits before I completely lose my mind. I just haven't hit the wall yet. :-/

I was in a four year relationship with a drug addict 10 to 15 years ago with my son's father. Even during the lies, stealing, cheating, etc... He never lacked total empathy or remorse for his wrong doing once the high wore off. I told myself I'd never get involved with someone like that again... now here I am, eating my own words.

I feel like I was presented with a book with the most glorious cover, only to find total crap and fluff on the inside... yet always reading more, hoping it will get better.

I would love to believe that he is just a drug addict, but something tells me there is more lurking there. It's very upsetting that someone you care about is an addict, but to think the worse, that he is both is killing me. I guess because I know that it's even more hopeless of a situation.

I guess I'm being emotionally manipulated. Anytime I try to end this or step back, I find myself having to build up someone I'm afraid is going to off themselves. Is it just emotional manipulation, or would he do it? I'd like to say it's just manipulation, but I had a friend who's boyfriend blew his head off in front of her... so I know it happens.

He's extremely depressed right now. Is that something a drug addict would go through after confronted about wrongful doing, then admitting they have a problem? I don't know if he's disappointed in himself or mourning the lost of supply via girls and drugs. I'm a little scare he isn't stable with emotions right now to any degree...
lawrie is offline  
Old 01-12-2015, 04:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I would love to believe that he is just a drug addict, but something tells me there is more lurking there.
Perhaps. But from your perspective, does it matter? The addiction part of it is bad enough.

I guess I'm being emotionally manipulated. Anytime I try to end this or step back, I find myself having to build up someone I'm afraid is going to off themselves.
Yeah, the suicide card. That's his trump card. When all else fails, he'll play that card, knowing that 99 times out of 100, it'll work. But the only reason why that works is because you allow it to work. You're choosing to be held hostage by him.

I'd like to say it's just manipulation, but I had a friend who's boyfriend blew his head off in front of her... so I know it happens.
Sure, it can happen. I could also be hit by a train tomorrow on my way to work, win the lottery, or have a supermodel fall in love with me. All are what I consider low probability events. Mind you, I'm not saying you shouldn't take such a threat seriously. What I am saying is if he plays that card while you're on the phone with him, call 911 and let him explain to the cops/paramedics/whoever that he didn't mean it. That's probably what'd he do.

I like to tell people such as yourself that you have choices every day. And when you're ready to make the right choices for you, you will. Outside looking in, choosing to remove him from your life and then riding out the ensuing emotional storm (which will suck) is likely the best choice for you. How do you feel about that?
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-12-2015, 05:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I have an extremely low tolerance for suicide threats. I grew up with both my parents using that as a means of emotional manipulation. Throughout my life, the people I've known who actually killed themselves just did it. They truly wanted to die. There was no "threat", they just went ahead and ate a bullet (mostly military related, so that was the method of choice. Quick, sure and readily available).
If he threatens suicide, call your local emergency services and let the trained professionals deal with it. If he is actually suicidal, he will get the help he needs. If not, he will likely stop the empty threats (with you at least) because it will no longer be an easy way to get what he wants.
I was with my alcoholic ex (also father of my youngest son) for five years. I understand the ties that bind. What helped me a lot after leaving him was to start attending Alanon meetings and doing individual therapy. Those two things have helped me gain perspective and start healing from all the abusive crap I've been dealing with all my life.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 01-13-2015, 12:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
allforcnm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by lawrie View Post
Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me, and my story. I really need help understanding this. I'm overwhelmed with confusion, anxiety, etc...

I've been dating my BF for 1.5 years. When we met, I knew he had a past with drugs. He was open about it. Said he'd been off drugs for 2 years. He worked/works a full time job, same one now for 2 years. So I really thought he was serious and stable about recovery or I wouldn't have gotten involved.

The beginning 6 months (initial stages of lust), were wonderful. He then reconnected with all his old friends from the past via getting a smart phone, facebook, etc.. (bad Idea I thought at the time) Then he spazzed out on me. etc... He said he was broken, and couldn't love me until he fixed himself. That something changed when he got around his "old buddies". I told him no pressure. That if he thought he could never love me just be upfront, that I was still in the process of getting to know him. There was no need for pressure for something more. He returned to being wonderful. Then a few months later, he distanced himself from me. He then reinvented himself. Started hanging out with a different crowd, getting lots of tattoos, drinking a lot, had lots of vacation time off work. Flip flopping from ideas of "white picket fence family" to "being alone in a junkie old home with a motorcycle".

I honestly thought he had NPD. He has about every symptom of the disorder. I was crushed, etc.. and he kept me in high states of anxiety with this disappearing acts, flip flopping, etc... Trying to look for a glimmer of hope that he had empathy. I kept hanging on without pressuring him for anything.

A couple of months ago, he injured himself on the job. He had over a month off. During this time he kept changing his pictures on facebook from houses of white picket fences, to sad and lonely structures. During this time, he came back onto me strong. Then he started missing dates again. I had a bad feeling when he stood me up on Christmas. He was adding very provocative women onto his facebook, etc not from our area. I looked on a dating website and find a profile that he was looking for "nothing serious".

I wrote him a message saying I thought it was best if we didn't see each other when he lots of time off anymore. (I just couldn't take it anymore). He didn't contact me for 3 days. Then he contacted me in this mode "I'm a failure" "I'll never get better" "I self destruct anything good in my life" "I should have died along time ago" "I thought I had control over this" "when do I stop" "anytime I set plans for myself, I lack control or don't follow through". He came to my house and tried to make everything up to me. The next day, after he left, he deleted the online profile (I never acted like I knew, so he did it on his own terms).

He did tell me that he couldn't love me the way he wanted to, because he didn't have any self love. (I understand that) He also told me that he was an addict, and he had been smoking too much, drinking too much, and possibly even doing some drugs. Then he said that when you're an addict that all you do is look for your next high... even when it's not a drug. That he had been using "new people" for a high. He cried and said he wanted to be with me. He cried as he opened up about a lot of things.

Now that days have gone by, there is a new *fake* profile on that site that I believe is him. It says he is just looking to chat only.


I honestly thought he had no interest in me sometimes, but the few times Is he using new people to get high? Do drug addicts have the characteristics of a narcissist? Am I keeping him from progressing in his recovery? He relapsed didn't he?
I've said something about breaking up.. he spazzes completely out.

I really don't know if he has NPD or this is just part of the drug addiction. I know you can't diagnose him etc.. I just wonder if this is typical behaviour. I know he has to help himself. I've told him that I can't fix him, he must do that himself and for himself, not for me or anyone else.
Hi Lawrie.

Im sorry for what you've been going through with your boyfriend. My husband is my qualifier here... hes been in recovery almost 3 years now.. I will just share based on my experience and thoughts..

Often there are underlying issues before a drug addiction starts. It could be a serious mental illness, or just stemming from traumatic experiences where there is emotional damage.. using a substance often provides escape or self soothing. Or at least it starts out this way.. but I cant say if your BF has NPD, etc.. When my husband was using drugs he became much more self absorbed and he started spending time with people at his office (other drug users) and was living a whole different life than he had ever lived.. Being in those environments can drive a person deeper into use, IMO.

It sounds like your BF did become addicted to this group of friends, getting tats and all the rest... not sure what it means exactly but to me its an overall sign of instability.

The other things you mentioned.. guilt, shame, feeling sorry for himself, not worthy.. these were things my husband experienced and I think are common. Drug use also changes brain chemicals like dopamine and so there can often be real depression going on, as well as mood swings.

This doesn't mean you should feel like a prisoner to it.. i.e. stay in a relationship you want to leave... if you think he is unstable maybe there is a way your could contact other family members who could check on him.. help evaluate the depression/self harm risk, and of course I agree call 911 if there is an immediate threat.

I hope things get better for you.
allforcnm is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 12:17 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 18
Thanks for the replies. I'm going through a lot of emotions and thinking.

He hasn't had a day off work this year until now, and I can already see that tonight he reactivated his online dating profile... He did confess before, while crying that he was using new people as a method to get high. While if he was only talking to these woman, it wouldn't be too big of a deal but I suspect that he's being unfaithful. He can't spend 1 minute alone. I know he deleted all the numbers out if his phone, he's been depressed since.

I can deal with a lot but the cheating gets me the most. I need more self esteem because although I realize it'd be a blessing for him to find someone else, it'd crush me. I often wonder if he's looking for someone to replace me or just a thrill.
lawrie is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 04:48 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is a saying that when someone tells you about themselves, believe them. He has "shown" you who he is, an active addict who misrepresents himself in order to attract people.

He brings nothing honest and trusting to this relationship, to remain with him is to invite more hurt and deception.

I am sorry for you pain and glad you found us. I hope you take a good read around here and see what your life will become if you remain with an active addict.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 08:53 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by lawrie View Post
.....I can deal with a lot but the cheating gets me the most. I need more self esteem because although I realize it'd be a blessing for him to find someone else, it'd crush me. I often wonder if he's looking for someone to replace me or just a thrill.
Do you see the issue here? You say if he ..."find(s) someone else, it'd crush me." You have put your entire happiness and being on someone who is an addict and perhaps suffers a personality disorder. You have attached your wagon to Crazy. And if Crazy does what Crazy usually does, you will allow yourself to be crushed.

It is never good to attach your wagon to Crazy. It is never good to be in a state where your happiness relies on the stability of someone else. Especially when that person has shown over and over again that he is unstable.

This isn't about him though. He's just doing what he wants to do. This is about you -- and why you choose to attach yourself to and rely on someone who brings you such unhappiness.
Needabreak is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 10:28 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 18
I know... This relationship was slow moving in the beginning because I really didn't want to be consumed by a relationship. I had spent the last 5 years prior working on myself. He's lowered my sense of self worth, but I understand it's because I've allowed him to.

I care deeply about him. I would be crushed but maybe I'd be relieved the crazy was over. He brings out the bad in me. I have no sercurity, while he has a great deal of it. I've gotta get to that point... My breaking point, and that's really a shame. The mind games, whether intiniual or not, have gradually altered me. My anxiety is so high, even on antidepressants... It's a constant state of worry for his well being, and my security in this messed up thing. Maybe I'd benefit from meetings. This is my 3rd relationship with an addict.. All supposedly clean when it began... I should have ran in the beginning... There were red flags I ignored.
lawrie is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 10:38 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Well, I think you've come to the right place...most of us here have gone through what you're going through, at least enough to understand where you are coming from.

The answer is simple; just let go, let him be. Building up the self-discipline to put this answer into action, to act in our own interest, is not that simple, especially when we have to relearn unhealthy thought patterns and attachments. It can be done though, and it sounds like you're making the first steps.
Needabreak is offline  
Old 01-18-2015, 01:40 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 18
After thinking awhile today, he never did really get clean. He just started using band aids and trading one vice, for another. He works generally 70 hrs a week. He uses his job to keep straight. When he has time off, all self sabotage.

I think he got high off me for awhile. Then he was off to this, that, and then something else. That's the way my sons father did for years, also ended up going back to drugs. My current bf also always refers to me as a decent woman.... Like I'm an object to his white picket fence fantasy. I guess the trashy woman cater to his tattoo/ motorcycle fantasy (please know I don't think badly of people with tattoos or bikes, it's his distorted imagine of that lifestyle I'm referring to). His profile even mentions that's his lifestyle- bikes & tattoos. I'd hate for my lifestyle to be described by objects like that.

I like to think that my lifestyle is based on something more than an image/objects.


Oh how I wished I never met him... The frosted mini wheat with his two sides... Which will he be tomorrow?

Last edited by lawrie; 01-18-2015 at 01:43 PM. Reason: Typo
lawrie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:45 PM.