Need help... Loosing everything...
Hi everyone,
Im not new here. I have been here before many times. Couple of months back after my heavy drinking session had my gallbladder removed due to inflammation. Time passed, my wife was working 100 km away from me so it was back and fourth all the time. Opportunity came to move to the same city with a new job. Something I always wanted. No AA meetings here. Drinking started to become a problem again, I have IBS and god knows what. If I drink a lot and for me even 1 day is enough. I will suffer horrible panic, anxiety or maybe alcohol withdrawals shaking, crushing chest pains, insomnia, shortness of breath.
Couple of months back my wife gave her last attemp I agreed to go and see a doc. He put me on 8mg of lorazepa. (he though I had Dt's but I never did). I only took 5 first day then 1 next day then stop. (I dont like benzos) god almightry 3rd day I was panicking. Waking up screaming at night and feeling like having a seizure (but all goes away after few mins of being awake). 3 times after that I started drinking suffering similar symptoms.
Most important thing before my NY my wife left me with my daughter, It took me biblical effort to get her to comeback. I know I hurt her when Im drunk with arguments and being rude, she tried to help for 2 years. I made aplan of all my mistakes with her in the relationship. After 1 week of putting into action, I made good progress. Then yesterday slipped again a few beers but she noticed me being rude and I got aggressive. I took a shower and came out she and baby had gone again (she stays at mother in law 160km away). I have no transport to follow but also have a job to keep.
I didnt sleep yesterday, I got to work but my head was full of thoughts, because I told my girl (2.5 years old) this would not happen again. I failed. I feel so bad right now worse than anything I ever felt, broken, depression, shakes, stomach ache, anxiety, dizzy.... I lost hope, I went out and drank 4 beers so far my money running really short. I dont know what to do... is there a hope?
She says I blew my last chance, no amount of begging help anymore.