newlife15

Well today is day 3. I feel awesome and totally motivated to keep trucking as far as alcohol goes, but emotions are a roller coaster. My problem is these thoughts and reflections of myself. I'm so ashamed of some of the things I have done ) ; I am embarrassed. I recall parts of recent nights and missing chunks that friends had to fill me in on. Being rude to people who I dislike, flirting because the attention gave me some sort of ridiculous sense of "I still got it", stumbling and making really dumb decisions. I've drove buzzed lately and have 2 DWI's in my last 15 years of drinking. UGH. If my friends weren't there to make me leave with them or whatever what would I have done? Who have I become, who is this awful inconsiderate person? I don't have any excuses for my behaviors. I am also thinking about the things I can not heal. Like when I was pregnant with my 3rd child I had this time where I was so certain my husband cheated on me ( not his character at all but different things added up and I still can't let it go). He swears he didn't to this day and has been mad enough at times where he has said if he could tell me he cheated he would just to end my accusations or questions. It's gotten better this last year but I think it's because I drink to not feel it. Maybe that's why I flirt when I drink. To get back at him for what I "think" he did. Either way. I'm just so ashamed feeling today. I feel hermit like and I don't want to end up running into anyone when I go to the grocery store. I feel like hiding from the world. ) = I hate what alcohol has done to myself and most of my family! What a sneaky lying jerk! I might ask my Dr for some anxiety meds to lighten up my feelings until I get through dealing with stuff soberly. Normally I start to remember my crappy drunk nights or to convince myself my hubby never cheated, or my childhood, etc, and I pick up a drink and it's better for a little bit anyhow. Not today though! I'm going to get busy and suck it up!