Just before I met him I had moved to a new city where my best friend of years had moved a few years before and was so excited to be reunited with her, I was making friends, I was happy and looking forward to a new start and was so happy to meet a person I thought I could also share all that with. Now I just feel as if there is nothing and I'm stuck in a rut. I know I should be and I am grateful for family, the few friends I do have and other small things and there are people far worse off than me but as I sit here quietly crying I just feel hopeless.
If it helps, and I hope it does, what you are feeling while uncomfortable is very normal.
Here's what Alcoholics do - they search for enablers and codependents. They need them. When a Codie retires they will be replaced. I know its painful to think of him with someone else, if he is, but understand its not personal. I'm certain if you called him and told him you will accept him and whatever he wants to do he would burn rubber to get back to you.
Alcoholic relationship are driven this way. The alcohol comes first. Its not about love. Its about addiction and what the addict will do to support it. I'm not saying he didn't love you - but there is no love as great in Alcoholism as the alcohol. This is something you need to understand it does lessen the blow in thinking they they did not love you equally. Its true, he did not love you as much he can't - he serves another mistress. Trust me there are plenty on here who have tried to love their A's sober and failed miserably.
As for you, you hold the power over you, not him. Reflect back on your happy times like your move to a new city. Understand that joy is possible as well as happiness. These times are going to come your way when you move beyond trying to make this all make sense in the way YOU think it should.
We partners of Alcoholics become as sick or sicker than our loved ones. Have you attended Al Anon? If not I think it would be very helpful for you. In the meantime please post often and rely on us to support you through your difficult time. We care about you. Its very helpful to educate yourself about alcoholism through this process. When you really get it its much easier to look with perspective as to what happened in the relationship and why.