New Year, no change

Old 01-03-2015, 04:12 AM
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New Year, no change

So I'm probably just asking massively obvious questions with what does all this mean but many times on here I find by posting or just reading I see new perspectives and for a time I can gain some strength from the words.

New Years Eve and via message I get the whole he's changing he's 30 in 6 months and he needs to sort his life out. The drinking, finances, living situation. He still tells me that he won't see professionals for the drinking and I don't listen but he can mange it alone. Obviously I continue to tell him that I've seen he can't and facts and research tell me that getting help means getting to the bottom of it and sustained recovery- he disagrees.

He's telling me all this stuff he's gonna do and sort out and clearly I am dubious given that I've heard it all before and so I meet it with caution and he then makes me feel really bad by saying I am mocking him- I wasn't I was just kind of been there, done that which I explained. Actions not words. If he wanted to change he's had the past year to do it while we were together, right?

He called me New Year eve (after accusations of what I was doing and with who when I actually just sat in) and I didn't answer. Everything about me wanted to answer but I also thought what would be the point- what would the conversation achieve. I feel as if I do regret not speaking on the phone now but for some reason I just didn't answer.

Obviously as I haven't seen him for Xmas and New Year I get a mix of sob story and anger because I should be willing to put some issues to one side for this time of year and I get told that if I refuse to even acknowledge him by phone for New Year then it will be over- he doesn't follow through with this and tells me he can't.

We haven't spoken on the phone in weeks, maybe over a month because I blocked his number after a massive tirade of abuse and told him I refuse to speak until he starts speaking to me with some respect and things start to change but now I am questioning if this was right? Yes obviously I don't want to talk to him when he's drunk and abusive but should I have been willing to make some better level of communication rather than messages as he has pointed out?

The last few days have been a mixture between him telling me how much he loves me, everything about me and I'm so unique and he doesn't feel he deserves me and that makes him lash out and be angry- this just makes me so sad because I love him and how can he not see that? Why does he choose to live his life this way?

The toss side to that is back to insults, I'm shallow and materialistic, I've changed (not sure how he would know this) and I'm a c*#t he doesn't want to be with me etc. so much of what he says I so clearly see as projection though and also his bitterness about things he clearly wants but isn't in a stable place to have therefore he lashes out and calls them all ****.

I feel as if I have made progress in not engaging as much and simply saying that if he feels that way we should go our separate ways. But I guess I do still engage because I tell him I love him and it doesn't have to be this way etc- I can't help that part it just makes me so sad.

Last night he told me that he wants to move on and find somebody else which hurts like hell. He said it's not real, it's just message communication- I agree but I just don't see why I should make any move towards anything else when he continues to behave how he does- am I right in thinking this?

I think from some of his messages he sounded like he has been drinking which makes it more hurtful when he says nice things over and over because it almost becomes meaningless when it's behind a mask of alcohol.

I guess I am just struggling today. It's again mixed messages, it's a new year but I feel lost and sad, it's dark and dreary outside.

I'm questioning whether my reactions have been right. Yes I shouldn't allow myself to be spoken to and treated like crap and say it's ok but should I have put more effort in, listened more, communicated better?

I'm also back to questioning if this was love for him- on the one side I feel like he was deeply in love with me and didn't feel deserving of me and that made him drink more through anxiety and not wanting to admit his true feelings but on the other side I think if he loves me how can he just talk about moving on, how can he not see that if he got help we could maybe rebuild something?

And then I think is the back and forth I love you I hate you culminating in that's it he's done just quacking.

Ugh, still so many questions and so much confusion months on. How can I even love someone who treats me so bad? Why can't I just block it all and move on?

He's a grown man and he's not my responsibility but how do I just forget thoughts that he could end up dead and so bitterly unhappy with his life as he's told me so many times he hates himself and his life but feels trapped by it all- yes there is help out there and he could get it if he chose to but he doesn't seem to want that. I can't stop thinkng how different it could all be and feeling real sadness for him that his life and himself is something he hates but he seems unwilling to really change it.

Then of course there's the thought of him being with someone else so soon- makes me feel sick and sad. But also I know he has so many issues that surely he will take all these into the next relationship? I have a feeling in my gut that he has started seeing someone else and this is why he's suddenly disengaging with me. I told him I'm not stupid and can put the pieces together and he just responded with what a genius I am. Maybe he's doing it to wind me up, maybe not. Yes I know I should actually be spending my time thinking about myself but I have nothing going on and can't help thinking about him and if he has met someone wtf was the point in our relationship, all his declarations of love, the tattoo he got with my name (!!) and why does he get to just move on!!

Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling sadness, anger and confusion and needed a place to get it out and I always value what other have to say here as I know they understand.

Basically, why why why?!?! Why does he choose this path, why can't it be different!!!!
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Old 01-03-2015, 04:48 AM
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Jane....I think you already know the answers about all the questions that you ask about him. As you pointed out in the beginning of your post...these are just rhetorical questions...LOL!

I believe that your ankst is coming from your personal emotional reactions. It is emotional--not intellectual....that is fueling your pain.

I will suggest that you read "The Saber-toothed Tiger"....it addresses why a person can't give up a relationship that they KNOW is toxic for them. Very enlightening material.

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***You do realize that all break-ups are painful, don't you....?
It is short-term pain for long-term gain
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Old 01-03-2015, 05:14 AM
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Hello Jane,

Did you ever read Codependent No More? This book is a bedrock to putting your focus on you, as you can only change yourself. Honeypig posts The Language of Letting Go here daily. If you like how those are written, they are both by Melody Beattie.

Isn't it sad how nothing changes? You see his potential. He's drinking it into oblivion. But the best thing you can do is let go. You cannot fix him.

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Old 01-03-2015, 06:12 AM
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"How can I even love someone who treats me so bad?"

There is an answer to this question, but he is not going to be the one to answer it. For me, answering this question had to be my only focus, which meant letting go of the toxic relationships in my life to focus on me. No more excuses. No more thinking the next person would save me and I could delay facing myself again. For me, answering this question meant going without a romantic relationship and starting one on one therapy. This lasted three years, which might seem like a long time out of context, but a drop in the bucket when I consider that that three year investment gave me the rest of my life in healthier relationships with everyone (especially myself).

Seems like this question is the root of your confusion. I have always thought of confusion as the conflict between what we want to be real, and what actually is. I wanted to live in the fantasy for a long time, but the reality is much less confusing, much more satisfying, and more empowering by a long shot. Sending strength and hugs.
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Old 01-03-2015, 06:14 AM
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Hey, we've ALL been there--exactly where you are, now. Your alcoholic isn't unique. That's one thing alcoholics love to believe--that they are so DIFFERENT from all those other people out there. You know, the "weak" ones who have to go to AA or something.

When it comes to alcoholism/addiction, the path is pretty predictable, and so is the solution. That's why AA worked for more than the two drunks who came up with the idea back in the 1930s, and why it has spread all over the world.

In any event, if you read over your post, you can see him rapid-cycling through all the manipulations he has to try to convince you (as well as himself) that he is different, he needs you, if YOU would just change he could do it, it's all your fault, nobody understands him, he really MEANS it this time, you're breaking his heart, you're a worthless B, yadayada. Imagine it on a tape loop.

Hugs, trust me, you wouldn't have changed a thing by "communicating" better.
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Old 01-03-2015, 09:20 AM
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Thanks for your responses I really appreciate all your words.

It is my emotions that I am hugely struggling with. I don't even know if I am sad or angry. I am sat crying while I write this so I guess sad. I feel uncomfortable being upset around anyone so feel the need to hide away with my tears. Nobody can seem to just understand I'm sad because I am it's always questions what's happened now, what's been said, what's he done and I just wanna shout IM SAD I CANT JUST NOT BE AND SNAP OUT OF IT AND IM SORRY FOR THAT

No contact from him for hours- I should be grateful but all I can think is he's found someone else, they are together surrounded by all the things that were once mine and his, and in addition some of my personal things or he is off drunk somewhere. Either way is a lose situation to think about.

I messaged his mum over Xmas to say best wishes and never heard a thing back which is out of character as she usually at least responds and we have had conversations about him in the past many times. I guess I'm putting 2 and 2 together and thinking her lack of contact also points to him being with someone else and therefore she's not comfortable talking to me anymore, or maybe she wants me out of the picture and sees me as the problem, or maybe she's just given up on him r given up on me because I've given up on him- I don't know and yet again it's all my thoughts all about him but I'm literally consumed by it and I can't seem to stop.

Because I feel as if I can't just be sad when I want to be it almost feels physically painful as if I holding in all the hurt and pain.

Honestly I know what he has said and done, much of which should be unforgivable, and I know that he obviously doesn't give a **** about me but I just feel so lonely and alone and miss the two of us sitting together cuddled up. Yes note to self remind myself of the things I don't miss and there's a huge list of those too.

I guess it just doesn't seem to get any better and now the 'no contact' which he seems to have indtigated seems almost like the beginning of another stage of grief and loss to me. It's been months and months and I have felt like this and I just want it to get better.

I want to work on myself, read the books you kindly suggest, figure out me, but honestly I just feel lonely and I hate it. I don't have many friends, none at all that live close by. I don't currently work so no chance of making any. I live with a relative in a situation that although I appreciate her kindness I just done feel at home in.

Just before I met him I had moved to a new city where my best friend of years had moved a few years before and was so excited to be reunited with her, I was making friends, I was happy and looking forward to a new start and was so happy to meet a person I thought I could also share all that with. Now I just feel as if there is nothing and I'm stuck in a rut. I know I should be and I am grateful for family, the few friends I do have and other small things and there are people far worse off than me but as I sit here quietly crying I just feel hopeless.
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Old 01-03-2015, 09:22 AM
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Double post
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Old 01-03-2015, 10:50 AM
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Just before I met him I had moved to a new city where my best friend of years had moved a few years before and was so excited to be reunited with her, I was making friends, I was happy and looking forward to a new start and was so happy to meet a person I thought I could also share all that with. Now I just feel as if there is nothing and I'm stuck in a rut. I know I should be and I am grateful for family, the few friends I do have and other small things and there are people far worse off than me but as I sit here quietly crying I just feel hopeless.

If it helps, and I hope it does, what you are feeling while uncomfortable is very normal.

Here's what Alcoholics do - they search for enablers and codependents. They need them. When a Codie retires they will be replaced. I know its painful to think of him with someone else, if he is, but understand its not personal. I'm certain if you called him and told him you will accept him and whatever he wants to do he would burn rubber to get back to you.

Alcoholic relationship are driven this way. The alcohol comes first. Its not about love. Its about addiction and what the addict will do to support it. I'm not saying he didn't love you - but there is no love as great in Alcoholism as the alcohol. This is something you need to understand it does lessen the blow in thinking they they did not love you equally. Its true, he did not love you as much he can't - he serves another mistress. Trust me there are plenty on here who have tried to love their A's sober and failed miserably.

As for you, you hold the power over you, not him. Reflect back on your happy times like your move to a new city. Understand that joy is possible as well as happiness. These times are going to come your way when you move beyond trying to make this all make sense in the way YOU think it should.

We partners of Alcoholics become as sick or sicker than our loved ones. Have you attended Al Anon? If not I think it would be very helpful for you. In the meantime please post often and rely on us to support you through your difficult time. We care about you. Its very helpful to educate yourself about alcoholism through this process. When you really get it its much easier to look with perspective as to what happened in the relationship and why.
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Old 01-03-2015, 11:23 AM
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Hi

my ex was married before and through their court dealings (they had a child together) she made the same claims that I made, his threats/addiction/abuse etc. This was carried on into my relationship with him, because I enabled it. His ex-wife now lives happily in a new relationship, and I`m dealing with the pain of an alcoholic ex...

He will continue his behaviour with enablers, but this isn`t really a way to live for anyone :-)

You cannot change other people`s actions, but you can change yours to make yourself a happier person. Look to the future :-D
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Old 01-04-2015, 12:36 PM
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Hi redatlanta and zee and thanks for your responses.

Today has been a tough day as I have basically had no contact with him since very early this morning and sporadic contact yesterday. He told me that he has blocked me from messaging as I blocked him from calling me and to F off basically.

There have been no tears today but I feel they will come tomorrow as I tried to hold myself together today because I was with family. Thoughts keep coming into my mind of is he out drinking, is he ok, or has he actually just found someone else, so worried about him but I somehow have to try and get over it. I want to contact his family but what's the point in that?

I won't lie I keep checking my phone to see if he read my last message or if he will message me but maybe that's it, maybe he's just done and I won't hear from him again.

I tried to be amicable and ask about arranging for us to exchange some personal belongings but he wasn't interested obviously.

I'm feeling sad right now, thinking of his face, how much I miss it and him. Thinking of the fact I have to sort through photographs of us and delete them, get rid of his belongings- should I post them back as good will or not even be that kind as I know he wouldn't have enough respect to do that with my belongings after the things he has said and done.

I'm also reflecting on the last year which I just feel like I have lost. I'm doing something positive and starting to learn to drive (again) tomorrow but I'm so dubious about how I feel even doing that. I know I need to start to focus and do some things for myself but he's just in my head constantly, it's so difficult having him just consume my thoughts.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:17 AM
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As far as personal items I would box them up and put them somewhere in a closet or garage whatever. I don't think you are at the point you would throw them away but best to get them out of plain site.

Nah, I wouldn't bother texting him about them. He knows they are there if he MUST have them he will contact you.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:36 AM
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Honey, you are still on the Merry Go Round of crazy. He is so nice one second, and vile and awful the next. It's not changed, and it's not going to. Stop talking to him. Stop talking to his family. Move on with your own life.
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