Thanks for your responses I really appreciate all your words.
It is my emotions that I am hugely struggling with. I don't even know if I am sad or angry. I am sat crying while I write this so I guess sad. I feel uncomfortable being upset around anyone so feel the need to hide away with my tears. Nobody can seem to just understand I'm sad because I am it's always questions what's happened now, what's been said, what's he done and I just wanna shout IM SAD I CANT JUST NOT BE AND SNAP OUT OF IT AND IM SORRY FOR THAT
No contact from him for hours- I should be grateful but all I can think is he's found someone else, they are together surrounded by all the things that were once mine and his, and in addition some of my personal things or he is off drunk somewhere. Either way is a lose situation to think about.
I messaged his mum over Xmas to say best wishes and never heard a thing back which is out of character as she usually at least responds and we have had conversations about him in the past many times. I guess I'm putting 2 and 2 together and thinking her lack of contact also points to him being with someone else and therefore she's not comfortable talking to me anymore, or maybe she wants me out of the picture and sees me as the problem, or maybe she's just given up on him r given up on me because I've given up on him- I don't know and yet again it's all my thoughts all about him but I'm literally consumed by it and I can't seem to stop.
Because I feel as if I can't just be sad when I want to be it almost feels physically painful as if I holding in all the hurt and pain.
Honestly I know what he has said and done, much of which should be unforgivable, and I know that he obviously doesn't give a **** about me but I just feel so lonely and alone and miss the two of us sitting together cuddled up. Yes note to self remind myself of the things I don't miss and there's a huge list of those too.
I guess it just doesn't seem to get any better and now the 'no contact' which he seems to have indtigated seems almost like the beginning of another stage of grief and loss to me. It's been months and months and I have felt like this and I just want it to get better.
I want to work on myself, read the books you kindly suggest, figure out me, but honestly I just feel lonely and I hate it. I don't have many friends, none at all that live close by. I don't currently work so no chance of making any. I live with a relative in a situation that although I appreciate her kindness I just done feel at home in.
Just before I met him I had moved to a new city where my best friend of years had moved a few years before and was so excited to be reunited with her, I was making friends, I was happy and looking forward to a new start and was so happy to meet a person I thought I could also share all that with. Now I just feel as if there is nothing and I'm stuck in a rut. I know I should be and I am grateful for family, the few friends I do have and other small things and there are people far worse off than me but as I sit here quietly crying I just feel hopeless.