"How can I even love someone who treats me so bad?"
There is an answer to this question, but he is not going to be the one to answer it. For me, answering this question had to be my only focus, which meant letting go of the toxic relationships in my life to focus on me. No more excuses. No more thinking the next person would save me and I could delay facing myself again. For me, answering this question meant going without a romantic relationship and starting one on one therapy. This lasted three years, which might seem like a long time out of context, but a drop in the bucket when I consider that that three year investment gave me the rest of my life in healthier relationships with everyone (especially myself).
Seems like this question is the root of your confusion. I have always thought of confusion as the conflict between what we want to be real, and what actually is. I wanted to live in the fantasy for a long time, but the reality is much less confusing, much more satisfying, and more empowering by a long shot. Sending strength and hugs.