Jane11

So I'm probably just asking massively obvious questions with what does all this mean but many times on here I find by posting or just reading I see new perspectives and for a time I can gain some strength from the words.

New Years Eve and via message I get the whole he's changing he's 30 in 6 months and he needs to sort his life out. The drinking, finances, living situation. He still tells me that he won't see professionals for the drinking and I don't listen but he can mange it alone. Obviously I continue to tell him that I've seen he can't and facts and research tell me that getting help means getting to the bottom of it and sustained recovery- he disagrees.

He's telling me all this stuff he's gonna do and sort out and clearly I am dubious given that I've heard it all before and so I meet it with caution and he then makes me feel really bad by saying I am mocking him- I wasn't I was just kind of been there, done that which I explained. Actions not words. If he wanted to change he's had the past year to do it while we were together, right?

He called me New Year eve (after accusations of what I was doing and with who when I actually just sat in) and I didn't answer. Everything about me wanted to answer but I also thought what would be the point- what would the conversation achieve. I feel as if I do regret not speaking on the phone now but for some reason I just didn't answer.

Obviously as I haven't seen him for Xmas and New Year I get a mix of sob story and anger because I should be willing to put some issues to one side for this time of year and I get told that if I refuse to even acknowledge him by phone for New Year then it will be over- he doesn't follow through with this and tells me he can't.

We haven't spoken on the phone in weeks, maybe over a month because I blocked his number after a massive tirade of abuse and told him I refuse to speak until he starts speaking to me with some respect and things start to change but now I am questioning if this was right? Yes obviously I don't want to talk to him when he's drunk and abusive but should I have been willing to make some better level of communication rather than messages as he has pointed out?

The last few days have been a mixture between him telling me how much he loves me, everything about me and I'm so unique and he doesn't feel he deserves me and that makes him lash out and be angry- this just makes me so sad because I love him and how can he not see that? Why does he choose to live his life this way?

The toss side to that is back to insults, I'm shallow and materialistic, I've changed (not sure how he would know this) and I'm a c*#t he doesn't want to be with me etc. so much of what he says I so clearly see as projection though and also his bitterness about things he clearly wants but isn't in a stable place to have therefore he lashes out and calls them all ****.

I feel as if I have made progress in not engaging as much and simply saying that if he feels that way we should go our separate ways. But I guess I do still engage because I tell him I love him and it doesn't have to be this way etc- I can't help that part it just makes me so sad.

Last night he told me that he wants to move on and find somebody else which hurts like hell. He said it's not real, it's just message communication- I agree but I just don't see why I should make any move towards anything else when he continues to behave how he does- am I right in thinking this?

I think from some of his messages he sounded like he has been drinking which makes it more hurtful when he says nice things over and over because it almost becomes meaningless when it's behind a mask of alcohol.

I guess I am just struggling today. It's again mixed messages, it's a new year but I feel lost and sad, it's dark and dreary outside.

I'm questioning whether my reactions have been right. Yes I shouldn't allow myself to be spoken to and treated like crap and say it's ok but should I have put more effort in, listened more, communicated better?

I'm also back to questioning if this was love for him- on the one side I feel like he was deeply in love with me and didn't feel deserving of me and that made him drink more through anxiety and not wanting to admit his true feelings but on the other side I think if he loves me how can he just talk about moving on, how can he not see that if he got help we could maybe rebuild something?

And then I think is the back and forth I love you I hate you culminating in that's it he's done just quacking.

Ugh, still so many questions and so much confusion months on. How can I even love someone who treats me so bad? Why can't I just block it all and move on?

He's a grown man and he's not my responsibility but how do I just forget thoughts that he could end up dead and so bitterly unhappy with his life as he's told me so many times he hates himself and his life but feels trapped by it all- yes there is help out there and he could get it if he chose to but he doesn't seem to want that. I can't stop thinkng how different it could all be and feeling real sadness for him that his life and himself is something he hates but he seems unwilling to really change it.

Then of course there's the thought of him being with someone else so soon- makes me feel sick and sad. But also I know he has so many issues that surely he will take all these into the next relationship? I have a feeling in my gut that he has started seeing someone else and this is why he's suddenly disengaging with me. I told him I'm not stupid and can put the pieces together and he just responded with what a genius I am. Maybe he's doing it to wind me up, maybe not. Yes I know I should actually be spending my time thinking about myself but I have nothing going on and can't help thinking about him and if he has met someone wtf was the point in our relationship, all his declarations of love, the tattoo he got with my name (!!) and why does he get to just move on!!

Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling sadness, anger and confusion and needed a place to get it out and I always value what other have to say here as I know they understand.

Basically, why why why?!?! Why does he choose this path, why can't it be different!!!!