W- I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Everyone here comes to these forums, desperate, with low self esteem. But we do educate our self about addictions, and learn how to "survive". You will be ok, you are just over whelmed.
I agree finding a therapist as they are wonderful. I also agree with the suicide hotline. They will be able to make some sense of the stuff you are going through.
I want you to understand that what your A has done to you, is what they do to all of us. They beat you up so bad that you believe no one would want you. That you can't live with out the addict. That they are the "everything" and you are just the biatch. We all have lived this. We all rebuild, get strong, and make good decisions.
Keep reading SR and go to the stickies. Keep reading and see the patterns that they do to us. You are not alone!!! We r your friends and we are here 24 hours a day. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))