Lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: fl
Posts: 63
Lost
Ive yelled at him so much he's done. I suck for letting myself get that way. Ive turned into a monster. And it's as if, to him, I never stuck by him this last year. Ive lost myself. I wish a plane would drop on me. I feel totally worthless. Im sorry this is a stupid post. But I cant stop crying and I have problems with feeling suicidal. How can someone who made me feel so amazingly special also make me feel like this? Im an idiot and im damaged. I hate myself. I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Dealing with depression myself I know how you're feeling. Have you ever called the suicide hotline? They are great people to talk to.
I'm dealing with a break up with an alcoholic myself and his controlling ways def. diminished my self esteem. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I'm dealing with a break up with an alcoholic myself and his controlling ways def. diminished my self esteem. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi Waggin I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way.
I too like many others have felt in the pits of desperation and despair because of the alcoholic in my life and wondering how the hell they can make us feel this way and also wondering what I have turned into and how I behave like a literal crazy person- but that person is not you, or me- for a moment it may be but deep down we are not crazy and we are not worthless we have just been made to feel this way by someone and a situation that is far beyond our control, and completely out of control.
Someone else who feels worthless themselves (and in some cases may be borderline crazy) has made us question our own sanity, and that is truly sad but please know you are not worthless and this is not a stupid post, and these feelings although so immense and consuming will pass. I'm sure many here have experienced them, I know some days it feels like you can't go on but you can, and you will, and it will get better. I know these are just words but please please believe them.
I'm sorry I am relatively new here so I do not know your back story but do you have any support network? A therapist? Have you read any literature that might be useful? Could you call a hotline as Holly suggested and just have an outlet and someone to tell how you feel and in sharing it may help you to calm somewhat?
Posting here is a great thing, I am sure you will get much greater advice and words than I can offer by many people who have been on this board for much longer but please know that as Holly said- you are not alone.
Please keep posting
I too like many others have felt in the pits of desperation and despair because of the alcoholic in my life and wondering how the hell they can make us feel this way and also wondering what I have turned into and how I behave like a literal crazy person- but that person is not you, or me- for a moment it may be but deep down we are not crazy and we are not worthless we have just been made to feel this way by someone and a situation that is far beyond our control, and completely out of control.
Someone else who feels worthless themselves (and in some cases may be borderline crazy) has made us question our own sanity, and that is truly sad but please know you are not worthless and this is not a stupid post, and these feelings although so immense and consuming will pass. I'm sure many here have experienced them, I know some days it feels like you can't go on but you can, and you will, and it will get better. I know these are just words but please please believe them.
I'm sorry I am relatively new here so I do not know your back story but do you have any support network? A therapist? Have you read any literature that might be useful? Could you call a hotline as Holly suggested and just have an outlet and someone to tell how you feel and in sharing it may help you to calm somewhat?
Posting here is a great thing, I am sure you will get much greater advice and words than I can offer by many people who have been on this board for much longer but please know that as Holly said- you are not alone.
Please keep posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: fl
Posts: 63
Thank you, Holly and Jane. Your words mean so much right now. I cant express it.
I do not currently have a therapist. I saw one until about a year and a half ago. Was in their care for about 12 years. My health insurance was just activated today and ive been waiting til now to call and schedule. He and I were going to each see our therapist and try couples counselling after a bit. But that's obviously not in the cards now. I have one friend who knows my situation. He is a RA himself (9 months) and I feel bad stressing him out with my problems. Esp bc they couldve just been solved by walking away.
Also a year ago I moved from the Midwest to fly and my abf was also my only local friend. He moved here from the NE and I was his only friend as well. How dysfunctional are we? Ugh
I wad working on getting my life together by keeping some space between us. About a month ago I walked away from him, then again two weeks later. But I came back when he apologized and cried. I thought I could do this. But I cant. The space between us disappeared and here I am again.
I do not currently have a therapist. I saw one until about a year and a half ago. Was in their care for about 12 years. My health insurance was just activated today and ive been waiting til now to call and schedule. He and I were going to each see our therapist and try couples counselling after a bit. But that's obviously not in the cards now. I have one friend who knows my situation. He is a RA himself (9 months) and I feel bad stressing him out with my problems. Esp bc they couldve just been solved by walking away.
Also a year ago I moved from the Midwest to fly and my abf was also my only local friend. He moved here from the NE and I was his only friend as well. How dysfunctional are we? Ugh
I wad working on getting my life together by keeping some space between us. About a month ago I walked away from him, then again two weeks later. But I came back when he apologized and cried. I thought I could do this. But I cant. The space between us disappeared and here I am again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W- I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Everyone here comes to these forums, desperate, with low self esteem. But we do educate our self about addictions, and learn how to "survive". You will be ok, you are just over whelmed.
I agree finding a therapist as they are wonderful. I also agree with the suicide hotline. They will be able to make some sense of the stuff you are going through.
I want you to understand that what your A has done to you, is what they do to all of us. They beat you up so bad that you believe no one would want you. That you can't live with out the addict. That they are the "everything" and you are just the biatch. We all have lived this. We all rebuild, get strong, and make good decisions.
Keep reading SR and go to the stickies. Keep reading and see the patterns that they do to us. You are not alone!!! We r your friends and we are here 24 hours a day. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I agree finding a therapist as they are wonderful. I also agree with the suicide hotline. They will be able to make some sense of the stuff you are going through.
I want you to understand that what your A has done to you, is what they do to all of us. They beat you up so bad that you believe no one would want you. That you can't live with out the addict. That they are the "everything" and you are just the biatch. We all have lived this. We all rebuild, get strong, and make good decisions.
Keep reading SR and go to the stickies. Keep reading and see the patterns that they do to us. You are not alone!!! We r your friends and we are here 24 hours a day. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, waggin,
You're getting some very good advice, here. I think your instincts to separate from him, at least for now, were good ones. You're not stupid, not worthless, and you haven't done anything most of us haven't done (multiple times).
Stay focused on YOU. Get your relationship right with YOU before you try to work things out with anyone else. Partners/husbands/boyfriends can come and go, but you will be with YOU for the rest of your life. It's worth getting comfortable with you.
You're getting some very good advice, here. I think your instincts to separate from him, at least for now, were good ones. You're not stupid, not worthless, and you haven't done anything most of us haven't done (multiple times).
Stay focused on YOU. Get your relationship right with YOU before you try to work things out with anyone else. Partners/husbands/boyfriends can come and go, but you will be with YOU for the rest of your life. It's worth getting comfortable with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W- I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Everyone here comes to these forums, desperate, with low self esteem. But we do educate our self about addictions, and learn how to "survive". You will be ok, you are just over whelmed.
I agree finding a therapist as they are wonderful. I also agree with the suicide hotline. They will be able to make some sense of the stuff you are going through.
I want you to understand that what your A has done to you, is what they do to all of us. They beat you up so bad that you believe no one would want you. That you can't live with out the addict. That they are the "everything" and you are just the biatch. We all have lived this. We all rebuild, get strong, and make good decisions.
Keep reading SR and go to the stickies. Keep reading and see the patterns that they do to us. You are not alone!!! We r your friends and we are here 24 hours a day. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I agree finding a therapist as they are wonderful. I also agree with the suicide hotline. They will be able to make some sense of the stuff you are going through.
I want you to understand that what your A has done to you, is what they do to all of us. They beat you up so bad that you believe no one would want you. That you can't live with out the addict. That they are the "everything" and you are just the biatch. We all have lived this. We all rebuild, get strong, and make good decisions.
Keep reading SR and go to the stickies. Keep reading and see the patterns that they do to us. You are not alone!!! We r your friends and we are here 24 hours a day. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Waggin,
I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. It is so confusing how someone who is supposed to love us can treat us with such cruelty.
I hope that if you are feeling as though you want to harm yourself, you will consider calling one of these numbers:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
You are not the lowest of the low, and you truly do deserve a bright and happy future...even though you may not feel that way right now.
Sending hugs and prayers, Seren
I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. It is so confusing how someone who is supposed to love us can treat us with such cruelty.
I hope that if you are feeling as though you want to harm yourself, you will consider calling one of these numbers:
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Or, call 911 and ask for help. Tell them you are in suicidal danger.
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Or, call 911 and ask for help. Tell them you are in suicidal danger.
You are not the lowest of the low, and you truly do deserve a bright and happy future...even though you may not feel that way right now.
Sending hugs and prayers, Seren
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by waggin 
Ive yelled at him so much he's done. I suck for letting myself get that way. Ive turned into a monster. And it's as if, to him, I never stuck by him this last year. Ive lost myself. I wish a plane would drop on me. I feel totally worthless. Im sorry this is a stupid post. But I cant stop crying and I have problems with feeling suicidal. How can someone who made me feel so amazingly special also make me feel like this? Im an idiot and im damaged. I hate myself. I'm sorry.
I feel the same way -- I stuck by my ex through thick and thin. I was there when nobody else was. There was nothing I wouldn't, and didn't, do for him. I was always so good to him, and to give him credit, he was normally very good to me as well while we were together, but now he blames everything on me. Even while we were together though, I couldn't voice any issues/concerns or feel any emotions because whether they had to do with him or not, he'd automatically take it as an attack and either get angry or sulk. The point is, there is no winning with an A. There just isn't. The only way to "win" is to get out of the situation and work on moving forward. It hurts, God do I know how much it hurts, but the pain will lessen and you will feel stronger.
I woke this morning with such a sad and sinking feeling. I think the holidays are extremely hard for those of us just getting out of a relationship. For some reason, New Years bothered me even more than Christmas. Tonight I'm feeling a bit more optimistic, which I think is more because the darn holidays are over more than it being a new year.
You can get through this Waggin. Please look into Alanon. It's such a tremendous help to me. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thinking of you...you have some wonderful loving advice above so take advantage and make a call to the hotline or someone else. You're a survivor just like all the others here who have lived with an addict and you will survive this taking it one day at a time. You're stronger than you give yourself credit. Big hugs, hon..you're going to be ok.
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