Oh, Standing. Do what you need to do because if you don't your children won't have you anyway really. If you're entertaining any thoughts of "ending it" - even if you'd never do anything, you need to reach out and get some help. Our addictions can feel so powerful that we think we will never get out from under them, but there are a lot folks on SR that show you that it is possible. The fact that you have thoughts of suicide just means you can't think of any options right now.
Go to the nearest mental health center, talk to your doctor, talk to your husband and get the help you deserve. We are here for you.